Guest Patrokles Posted April 10, 2007 Share Posted April 10, 2007 A man is walking along a beach, when he walks past a young woman lying on a blanket, crying. The girl's face and figure are quite attractive, but she has no arms or legs. The man walks over and asks, "Excuse me, miss, why are you crying? Can I help you with something?" The girl looks up at him and says, "I'm twenty-five years old, and I've never been kissed! Would you please kiss me, like a man kisses a woman?" The man leans over her, and they kiss for several minutes, which she seems to appreciate. She thanks him, and he gets up and starts walking away. But then he hears her behind him, crying even louder than before. Being a nice guy, he goes back and asks, "What's wrong now? You've been kissed. Aren't you happy?" "Yes, I'm happy that you kissed me," she says, "but I'm twenty-five years old, and no one's ever played with my breasts or my pussy." So, once again, he obliges, and helps her out of her bathing suit, and lies down beside her. He plays with her for a while, which both of them enjoy. Then he helps her back into her bathing suit, and heads off again. Only to be brought back by her sobs, which are now louder than ever. "What now?" he asks. "I've kissed you, I've played with you, I've told you how beautiful you are. Aren't you happy?" "Yes," she says, "I'm happy for all that, but I'm twenty-five years old, and I've never been fucked." So he leans over, lifts her in his arms, walks down to the water's edge, throws her out as far as he can into the waves, and yells "YOU'RE FUCKED NOW!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tom_NUFC 0 Posted April 10, 2007 Share Posted April 10, 2007 ooooooh ancient, but I like it. The Lone Ranger and Tonto are out riding in the planes when they hear a distant rumble. Hoping to use some of his native american ingenuity, Tonto gets off his horse and puts his ear to the ground. "Buffalo come" he says "How can you tell?" asks the Lone Ranger "Ear stuck to ground" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Patrokles Posted April 10, 2007 Share Posted April 10, 2007 Keep them coming, I have a friend who wants a new joke every time I talk to them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Magma 0 Posted April 10, 2007 Share Posted April 10, 2007 What is the difference between a durg dealer and a prostitute? A prostitute can wash her crack and sell it again Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Magma 0 Posted April 10, 2007 Share Posted April 10, 2007 What is the difference between a durg dealer and a prostitute? A prostitute can wash her crack and sell it again Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
khay 8 Posted April 10, 2007 Share Posted April 10, 2007 What is the difference between a durg dealer and a prostitute? A prostitute can wash her crack and sell it again I've herd that one before. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
smoggeordie 0 Posted April 10, 2007 Share Posted April 10, 2007 What is the difference between a durg dealer and a prostitute? A prostitute can wash her crack and sell it again I've herd that one before. The post above it by any chance? Marge, Tina, and Cindy had made plans to attend the premiere of Madonna's film Evita. All three looked forward to the event, but at the last minute an unforeseen emergency at work prevented Cindy from going with them. Feeling bad for Cindy's sake, the other two sniffled and wept. But Cindy consoled them: "Don't cry for me, Marge and Tina." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ewerk 26809 Posted April 10, 2007 Share Posted April 10, 2007 Marge, Tina, and Cindy had made plans to attend the premiere of Madonna's film Evita. All three looked forward to the event, but at the last minute an unforeseen emergency at work prevented Cindy from going with them. Feeling bad for Cindy's sake, the other two sniffled and wept. But Cindy consoled them: "Don't cry for me, Marge and Tina." That's so fucking terrible its good. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
smoggeordie 0 Posted April 10, 2007 Share Posted April 10, 2007 (edited) An infant rabbit was orphaned. Fortunately though, a family of squirrels took it in and raised it as one of their own. This adoption led to some peculiar behaviors on the part of the rabbit. It had a tendency to scurry up trees like its step-siblings instead of hopping along the ground. And it ate acorns and nuts instead of carrots. By the time it was half grown, the rabbit realized that it was different, so it went to its step-parents to discuss the problem. He said he was unsure of his place in the universe and was generally forlorn. His step-parents advised, "Don't scurry. Be hoppy." -------------------------- Most people know the legend of William Tell and his unique method of making applesauce, but not many know that he and his family were championship bowlers. Highly skilled, their team was sponsored eagerly by local merchants. To have "Tell's Terrors" represent your firm was a great honor. Even now, to be able to claim that the Tells once represented your family business would be of great advertising value. Unfortunately, the old records have been lost, and today we can't be sure for whom the Tells bowl. Edited April 10, 2007 by smoggeordie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tom_NUFC 0 Posted April 10, 2007 Share Posted April 10, 2007 What's the difference between a woman in church and a woman in the bath? The woman in church has hope in her soul Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
khay 8 Posted April 10, 2007 Share Posted April 10, 2007 What is the difference between a durg dealer and a prostitute? A prostitute can wash her crack and sell it again I've herd that one before. The post above it by any chance? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tom_NUFC 0 Posted April 10, 2007 Share Posted April 10, 2007 A one I heard years ago. It's fairly long A bloke holds a themed fancy dress birthday party and tells all of his friends to come dressed up depicting various emotions. The night of the party comes and he answers the door to his first guest, who is dressed completely in red. "What does the red represent?" he asks. "rage" comes the reply. A few minutes later there's another knock at the door, again the man answers it to another of his friends, this time dressed all in green. Again he asks what it means. "I'm green with envy" his friend answers. One by one his guests arrive, and a little while into the party there's another knock. He opens the door and sees two of his West Indian friends standing there stark naked. One of them has a pear shoved on his knob and the other is wanking into a tin of custard. "What the f*ck have you come as? I told you to come dressed as emotions!" "We have" the guy with the pear says "I'm deep in dis pear and he's f*cking dis custard" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Magma 0 Posted April 10, 2007 Share Posted April 10, 2007 A one I heard years ago. It's fairly long A bloke holds a themed fancy dress birthday party and tells all of his friends to come dressed up depicting various emotions. The night of the party comes and he answers the door to his first guest, who is dressed completely in red. "What does the red represent?" he asks. "rage" comes the reply. A few minutes later there's another knock at the door, again the man answers it to another of his friends, this time dressed all in green. Again he asks what it means. "I'm green with envy" his friend answers. One by one his guests arrive, and a little while into the party there's another knock. He opens the door and sees two of his West Indian friends standing there stark naked. One of them has a pear shoved on his knob and the other is wanking into a tin of custard. "What the f*ck have you come as? I told you to come dressed as emotions!" "We have" the guy with the pear says "I'm deep in dis pear and he's f*cking dis custard" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mowen 0 Posted April 10, 2007 Share Posted April 10, 2007 What's the difference between a crane and a giraffe? One has hydraulics and one has high bolloks. What's worse than a maggot in your apple? Aids. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nufc4ever 0 Posted April 10, 2007 Share Posted April 10, 2007 Two balloons are floating across the desert. One says "Look out for that cactusssssssssss" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Meenzer 14136 Posted April 10, 2007 Share Posted April 10, 2007 Keep them coming, I have a friend who wants a new joke every time I talk to them. Ooo, the pronoun game. This is just like off Chasing Amy and everything. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trophyshy 6443 Posted April 10, 2007 Share Posted April 10, 2007 A man finds himself marooned on a desert island, he believes he is alone but one day discovers a dog and the next day a pig. Relieved to have some company he busies himself for the following months fashioning a life for himself. The time passes and boredom and loneliness for female company has his mind and his eyes turning to the pigs pink rounded behind. He is mortified by this and fights the desire for weeks until one day he can't contain himself any further and mounts the poor beast which starts squealing and whining in a terrible manner. The dog goes absolutely berzerk and starts biting him viscously around his lonely member so he hastily withdraws his porcine interest. Dejected he returns to the daily business of feeding himself and the animals and watching the horizon for ships. However as the weeks pass by he again finds himself obsessing over the pigs rear end and so when the dog wanders off up the beach one days he clambers aboard once more. The reluctant pig's squeals of derision are deafening and sure enough the dog comes hurtling along the beach snapping and snarling so the man stops and is again left frustrated. The months tick by and although the man continues to covet that porky rump he resists all temptation in fear of his man servant becoming a salty shmacko. Then one day, incredibly, he wakes in the morning to hear a distant moaning in the sea, he swims out towards the sound and finds a beautiful shapely woman barely alive clinging to the wreckage of her ship. He brings her ashore and nurtures her while she sleeps for two days. Eventually when she awakes she realises what has happened and is overcome with gratitude for this lonely hero who saved her. Gazing upon him with her beautiful blue eyes, and curling her long blonde hair she pouts and asks him if, in all his loneliness, there is anything, anything she can do to repay his kindness. He thinks for a minute and replies................... Yes actually, could you take the dog for a walk? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trophyshy 6443 Posted April 11, 2007 Share Posted April 11, 2007 (edited) A cruise ship sinks near a desert island in the pacific, washed ashore are only two survivors; the ships kitchen hand, Bob, and Paris Hilton. Bob tries to talk to Paris but she is devastated to be stuck there with such a lowly pleb and won't have anything to do with him. He just accepts this and cracks on building a shelter. He then finds some food and invites Paris in, not being totally stupid she moves into the shelter but kicks him out as she simply can't live with such lowlife. Bob is hurt by this but just gets on, he goes around to the other side of the island and builds another shelter. He continues to find food and water and visits Paris every day to deliver this and make sure she is okay. After weeks of this routine Paris begins to lose her old values and warms to this kind hearted man who looks after her despite her terrible behaviour. One day she invites Bob in and both having missed company they have a wonderful time together. The weeks pass and they become passionate lovers, Paris is both amazed and disgusted by the way she used to treat Bob and so one day explains her guilt. She declares herself a changed woman and admits that she has fallen in love for the first time, realised how shallow she has been and wants to make it up to him. 'Bob, I know we are already lovers and I know my money cannot help us now, but I love you and I feel so bad that I was such a bitch to you, please tell me is there any way I can make it up to you, any way at all?' Bob thinks this over and tells her that although he loves her company he really misses his old mate Mike, and asks if she would, just for a night, pretend to be Mike so he could reminisce a little. Paris finds this a little strange but is of course desperate to make amends and so agrees to meet Bob, as Mike, at his place in an hour. She fashions herself some men's clothes, draws a moustache on her face with charcoal from the fire and practises speaking in a low voice. When the time comes she walks around to Bobs hut and knocks on the door gruffly saying 'Alright mate, you fancy a beer?' Bob throws open the door and with a huge grin on his face says 'Mike! Mate!................................... You'll never guess who I've been shagging!' Edited April 11, 2007 by trophyshy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ewerk 26809 Posted April 11, 2007 Share Posted April 11, 2007 "Can I sleep in your bed tonight, with you and Mummy?" Baby Balloon asks Father balloon. Father explains to baby that he is getting too old and too big to be sleeping in the same room as mummy and daddy and tucks him in and kisses him goodnight in his own bed. During the night, when mummy and daddy balloons are asleep baby balloon tries to squeeze himself into bed with mummy and daddy balloon, but there is no room. He then releases some air from Daddy balloon but there is still no room. So he releases some air from mummy balloon, but there is still no room. So finally he releases some air from himself, which allows enough room for him to snuggle in bed between mummy and daddy. In the morning, daddy balloon isnt impressed. "What did I tell you? You have to sleep in your own bed! You have been very naughty! You have let your mum down, you have let me down and most of all you have let yourself down!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tom 13915 Posted April 12, 2007 Share Posted April 12, 2007 15 british troops captured after straying into iranian waters 14 men, 1 woman who do u think was reading the map? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bobbyshinton 59 Posted April 12, 2007 Share Posted April 12, 2007 (edited) 15 british troops captured after straying into iranian waters 14 men, 1 woman who do u think was reading the map? It's like reading my back catalogue Edited April 12, 2007 by bobbyshinton Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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