Garth Crooks

[Happy Face 29]

Garth Crooks : Hello Is that Johnny?, It's Garth here, Calling from London, I'll get straight to the point, I have been sacked as a Pundit by the BBC, let's face it the Match of the Day Boys all hate me, I think I have a good case for Wrongful Dismissal it could be racially motivated, but we don't have any "Showbiz" Black Lawyers in England, are you interested?".

 

Johnny Cochrane : "Let me get this straight!", "You want me to put my impeccable reputation on on the line, and argue in a Court of Law, that you aren't the worst fucking pundit in the history of punditry? Are you out of your tiny fucking mind?"

 

Muffled Voice : "I'll do it, what is it?".

 

Garth Crooks : "The money's good?"

 

Johnny Cochrane : How much?"

 

Garth Crooks : "Minimum Five Hundred Thousand"

 

Johnny Cochrane : "Five Hundred Thousand eh? Dollars or Sterling?"

 

Muffled Voice : "Five Hundred Thousand?, Dollars, Sterling, Euros, Roubles 'Don't give a fuck I'll do it, what is it?".

 

Johnny Cochrane : "Sammy, can you please be quiet, I am on the phone to a good friend of mine from the British Broadcasting Corporation, sorry about that Garth, I'm really busy right now sorting out a deal fo OJ Simpsons' Autobiography, Thank God those accusations keep on coming, I'm afraid I'll have to pass"

 

Garth Crooks : "Who is that in the background?"

 

Johnny Cochrane : "Oh that's just Samuel L Jackson"

 

Garth Crooks : "Will he do it?"

 

Johnny Cocherane : "For $500,000 he'd fuck his own Grandma, ever since those Motherfucking Snakes On A Plane he hasn't worked much, he just hangs around here all the fucking time".

 

THE NEXT DAY

 

Gary Lineker: "Look I'm sorry but we're really busy choosing Shirts to wear for Saturday's show".

 

Alan Shearer : "Haddaway Mon!"

 

Samuel L Jackson : "What country you from!"

 

Alan Shearer : "¿I Am A Geordie? "

 

Samuel L Jackson : "¿Yammajordi? " ain't no country I know! Do they speak English in "¿Yammajordi? "

 

Alan Shearer : "¿I Am A Geordie? "

 

Samuel L Jackson : "English-motherfucker-can-you-speak-it?"

 

Alan Shearer : "¿I Am A Geordie? "

 

Samuel L Jackson : "Say "¿Yammajordi? " again! C'mon, say "¿Yammajordi? "

again! I dare ya, I double dare ya Motherfucker, say "¿Yammajordi? " one more goddamn time!"

 

Mark Lawrenson : "I am the real Star, allow me! How can I help you"

 

Samuel L Jackson : "Now describe to me what Garth Crooks looks like!"

 

Mark Lawrenson : "Well he's... he's... black" -

 

Samuel L Jackson : - "Go on!"

 

Mark Lawrenson : "...and he's... he's... bald" -

 

Samuel L Jackson : - "does he look like a bitch?!"

 

Mark Lawrenson : "Pardon?

 

Samuel L Jackson : "Does-he-look-like-a-bitch?!"

 

Mark Lawrenson : "No!"

 

Samuel L Jackson : "Then why did you try to fuck 'im like a bitch?!"

 

Mark Lawrenson : "We Didn't!"

 

Samuel L Jackson : "Yes ya did. Ya tried ta fuck 'im. Well Garth Crooks doesn't like to get fucked by anyone, except Mrs. Garth Crooks!, or possibly Mr., anyway".

 

Mark Lawrenson : "I don't know what to say."

 

Samuel L Jackson : "Oh! I'm Sorry, did I break your concentration?", "First you send him to report on Stoke thinking there won't be anything to talk about, then they beat Everton and it's a big story, lot's of air time, so you send him to Hull and they beat Arsenal, lot's more Garth time", "And then what? The Motherfucking Sunday Show MOTD2!"

 

Gary Lineker : "But he likes Adrian Chiles!".

 

Samuel L Jackson : "Well now. Look at the big brain on Gary!"," Nobody likes Adrian fuckin' Chiles!, and then you give his job to that stupid Bitch Jacqui Oakley"

 

Alan Hansen : "That Defence was criminal!"

 

Samuel L Jackson : "I don't remember asking you a Goddamn thing!"

" I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brother. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon you."

 

Alan Shearer : "Fuck It, Just give him what he wants!"

 

Mark Lawrenson : "Oh speak Fucking English NOW do we?"

 

Gary Lineker : "Give Garth his job back, anything, just let me out of here!".

 

Samuel L Jackson : "That's more like it, anyone else wanna pull that ¿Yammajordi? Shit?"

 

No.

 

Good.

 

Now someone get me a Royal with Cheese,

 

Fucking metric system!"

 

http://www.thespoof.com/magazine/index.cfm?eID=3346

[Kid Dynamite 6079]

some people have too much spare time

[ewerk 26786]

It would have been slightly funnier if he didn't call a dead lawyer.

[luckyluke 1]

some people have too much spare time

 

And no sense of humour.

 

(the writers of that shit, not you btw).

[2bias 3]

crooks is on now and yeah he is a cunt

[smoggeordie 0]

Given, Beye, Coloccini and Guthrie all in his team of the week, with Spidey and Owen on the bench.

[Happy Face 29]

Given, Beye, Coloccini and Guthrie all in his team of the week, with Spidey and Owen on the bench.

 

Who says we need new signings.

 

[AgentFox 0]

so all agreed he's a cunt

[sandman02uk 0]

so all agreed he's a cunt

 

yeap

[LeazesMag 0]

so all agreed he's a cunt

 

yeap

 

he's got his job on merit you know