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A 10ft coffin, slowly whirring down the aisle carried by 6 weeping Roombas.

As a string quartet plays a sombre rendition of "Too shy shy, hush hush, eye to eye".

They should sing for their ventilators, with a public vote. It will be even more hilarious since they will be gasping for breath.

Is this ITK the same as the MA selling up stuff? Just saying

Wor lass got that too. At least that’s where she said she got it

On past form, that means imminent lockdown.

I only come on here now for the hourly updates on Renton’s psyche

i reckon you're a goner mate, like rayvin

Londoners can’t be trusted Gloom. Selfish cockney wankers. They’ll all go out up the old cunt road or wherever Fri/Sat night getting hammered & spreading death, then start looting the local Iceland. Don’t blame the authorities for trying to help feed the elderly My utterly heroic 72 year old father in law is as we speak in a queue at Sainsbury’s (opening early for pensioners only) waiting to get in to get us the beans & eggs that we couldn’t get at our local Lidl’s yesterday which looked like a scene from Mad Max . He walks his two giant Spinoni dogs 5/6 miles a day. Fit as a fiddle that cunt. Am still loafing in bed, all cosy with a cup of tea...what do you mean I’m a selfish snide tosser too?

Hearts are still shit

With all these empty car parks, dogging is going to be a nightmare

Nothing but a portly traffic warden.

In the news there that a food bank in West Yorkshire has been broken into. There's some people that deserve this fucking virus.

Never click on one of MF's links man.

But slots! Michel Barnier has tested positive! Which filfthy Brexit bastard gave it to him I wonder? But slots! That was supposed to be zut alors!

They’re all at Asda

Used to work with a wife referred to as the Christmas Tree (in retrospect she might’ve been the wife of Christmas Tree). Her body just kept getting wider until it reached a pair of short, trunk-like legs

I'm just going to head out today and buy enough crisps to last the impending apocalypse and that, combined with my VOD, should see me through. It's incredibly tiring seeing people post skin-deep motivational platitudes on social media about having to tough it out though. You have one job; to sit in the house and wash your hands. Oh no, your routine has went from going to the same three places to just the one, what a sacrifice. Boils my piss something rotten. Perfectly healthy people twisting on that they don't have to leave the house and go to work, they don't even have kids to look after. Most of them don't even have pets. Fuck me, I hope I do get it so I can stop angrily looking at social media all day.

Finally actually said something useful, not that it is working

I got stopped in town by a scouser market researcher who asked, ” Do you like avocado?” I said, “ No mate, I can’t drive.”

'The Northumbrian piper' = He was a gaffer who had a colostomy bag.

As a positive aside, this has helped me realise that my deep set anxieties and depressions are not based in day-to-day living but are actually steeped in great existential crises and the very nature of the unanswerable weighing down my every day thought process. I’ve spent sleepless nights worrying about untimely ends, the big questions and the weight and importance of the community of friends and family we surround ourselves with and when you see those things threatened, as they are now, it’s soothing to know that, even in my depths, when I can’t actually function for a racing mind, I’ve never attempted to deal with those difficult questions by panic buying shit tickets and tins of peas. These fucking idiots have made me feel a lot better about my specific brain issues and I thank them.

That’s the blitz spirit; act like a cunt and complain about the foreigners.

They're all at the beach (Seaton Sluice) with their kids, Mrs walked the dogs this a.m. she said it was like height of summer and mobbed, windbreaks tents the lot!!

Some fucker sent me a WhatsApp last night, it was a link to the Washington Post with the headline of Trump having it. When you clicked on it, of course a massive black guy with a huge cock

Bono was so furious not to be included he's released his own dirge ballad, With or Without Flu.

Isn't it like that normally Just joking Meenz

L'Italie... *wheeze* *cough* ...nul points.

Coach Derek Fazackerly left at Christmas to go back to Blackburn. Always thought that could've had a bearing on the dip in form compared with the first half of the season

Oh look, an address for dear old Bob and his no doubt equally vile neighbours...not a million miles from where we live...on the Pottery Estate.. https://beta.companieshouse.gov.uk/company/01088714/officers

Aussie PM “Stop hoarding, I can’t be more blunt about it. Stop it. It is not sensible, it is not helpful and it has been one of the most disappointing things I have seen in Australian behaviour in response to this crisis.” Good Cunt.

Well this is cheering me up!

Fuck you baldy/bravado

Nah, they just heard ewerk was going in.

By proper…

Would look like the Air Force trying to intercept Godzilla as he rises from his watery tomb.

UglyMackems is back, but this time it’s personal

Even if they followed the US and gave everyone 1 or 2k that's only one or two months rent in London. That's also the problem of a housing sector based on parasites/landlords with buy-to-let mortgages - if we had mass council housing then it could be "written off" by government funding.

If some of our members die maybe it'll free up some space on the server for me?

For old times' sake...

At last, some positive news

I wonder if Corona Virus has infected Leazesmag’s computer yet?

I mean, you’re a massive fanny. Sureky that counts?

And if you could get some fat pig-fucking moron to call me boring, state that 87% of people from Blyth are ugly and brag how he's going to have 19 pints the minute he's off the intravenus drip...that'd be nostalgia-tastic.

No Eurovision? Bring me the virus.

There's an Innuendo competition that's just been announced, I might enter the lass next door.