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The virus is still out there. Like a paedo on an electric scooter.

"5 Miles on an Electric Scooter" sounds like a twee novel about fuck all that The Guardian would give 5 stars

I used to have a dog that would bite me whenever we were on the sofa. It didn't sit well with me.

The location of that MPs constituency should give everyone a clue as to why he got grilled

With fake crowd noise.

Someone riding through traffic in a full suit is like something you’d see on a Japanese hidden camera show.

Give the crack heads something new to steal and flog if nowt else

Surprised Chez Given didn’t just install him as his PA if he’s available on those sort of wages. Imagine the champagne enemas that they could’ve had together

He looks like Joey Barton crossed with Paul Merson on the booze.

I'm walking around the house with "BMX Boys have a lot of fun" playing in my head cos of you fucking paedos on wheels.

Ah bollocks, I guess that makes me oldest again. Fuck

That's your boldest statement yet. No need to leave Noelle, just take a bit of a break.

Don’t know who is going to build those houses, all the skilled tradesmen have been told to fuck off home

That old wife will be sleeping with the potatoes tbs.

It's Trump allover - talk absolute shite which sounds good to the people who support him who'll watch the first story on the news and think "he's sorting it" but will switch off before the analysis (if there is any) takes it apart as nonsense.

Actually reads like a page from your diary.

Two miles in and i have to swerve quickly to avoid being hit by a HGV. Furious, I almost throw my flat white at the aggressive lorry driver but think of better of it when it dawns on me I would have to retrieve my keep cup from oncoming traffic. Undeterred, I continue, dreaming of my morning kale smoothie

I always hoped there was a really junior British bloke on the writing staff that suggested it and has been laughing his cock off ever since.

If only he'd stayed. We'd never had to endure that awful Rafa.

Occasional sobriety.

If you tried that shit up here, you would be rightly beaten to death.

Fuck me - Premier League, please get the takeover sanctioned

You can tell Liverpool have just won the title as they're all coming out of the woodwork even in death! Apparently Yul Brynner was a Liverpool fan according to some scouser on twitter. He was well known for his love of the reds in showbiz circles as well as his aversion to aftershave. Yul never wore cologne.

What I wanna know is, what does Joe Kinnear think? Dennis Wise too. A whole host of past NUFC legends can add their expertise to the mix: Steve McClaren, Kenny Dalglish, John Barnes, Ian Rush, Caçapa. The list is endless. That would keep us happy whilst we wait in our ‘places’ for those who know best to decide what’s good for us. Come on Chronicle keep up. Cunts.

Thought he was wearing cowboy boots at first

if they wanted to reject it they would have done so already. there's massive political pressure on the PL - the government does not want them to block it

I love Beth Rigby. Listen to this answer. There can surely be nobody watching this idiot that has any confidence whatsoever in his abilities.

my hairs shorter than that these days tbh

What I've only just thought about is that it only cost Palace £3 million to buy out an 8 year deal God knows how little Pardew was on.

I assume you’ve all seen the pic if the rest of his face was the same colour as the skin around his eyes. Looks like he’s been dug up

Hey, just your periodic reminder that you're a grown fucking man.

I think this Russia business is going to be the final nail in his coffin. Sounds like it was in his daily briefing at the back end of Feb, and the excuse that he doesn't like to read is looking pretty weak. His press sec was very careful with her words yesterday, saying he wasn't "personally briefed", which translates to "unless someone sits him down and tells him, it doesn't count as a briefing". I don't think that'll wash in a country that is obsessed with respecting its troops.

I have a sneaking suspicion that if he sort of accepts that he'll lose he'll scale up what already looks like a scorched earth policy to do the most damage he can so either he or one of his horrible kids/son in law will have more of a chance against Biden in 2024 if the latter hasn't had the time to undo the damage.

Enjoy Northampton

The stories of his idiocy that are going to come out once he leaves office are going to be jaw dropping.

Mind I’m going to feel terrible if he’s on a ventilator

Watch out for Noelie's next post, "Takeover macht frei"

Looks like some fella who's done a runner because the husband has come home early from work. Which in his case, is highly likely.

"So I says to Rita, 'You could hang a wet duffel coat off dose, love and still have change of twenty bob!' I then asked her what she thought about the black eyed peas lads if she'd like to have an ale with me instead?"

JCB starter buttons

Make no mistake, in the unlikely event that the PL reject the offer we would be set for a prolonged legal case with huge diplomatic implications. No chance are the Saudis shrugging their shoulders and walking away, which is why I just can’t see it being rejected. It becomes a massive, massive story if they block it.

Yes the Saudi government are well known for their “never mind, let’s move on, live and let live” attitude.

Trump landing after his deflating Tulsa rally