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The virus is still out there. Like a paedo on an electric scooter.

"5 Miles on an Electric Scooter" sounds like a twee novel about fuck all that The Guardian would give 5 stars

I used to have a dog that would bite me whenever we were on the sofa. It didn't sit well with me.

The location of that MPs constituency should give everyone a clue as to why he got grilled

With fake crowd noise.

Someone riding through traffic in a full suit is like something you’d see on a Japanese hidden camera show.

Give the crack heads something new to steal and flog if nowt else

Surprised Chez Given didn’t just install him as his PA if he’s available on those sort of wages. Imagine the champagne enemas that they could’ve had together

He looks like Joey Barton crossed with Paul Merson on the booze.

I'm walking around the house with "BMX Boys have a lot of fun" playing in my head cos of you fucking paedos on wheels.

Ah bollocks, I guess that makes me oldest again. Fuck

That's your boldest statement yet. No need to leave Noelle, just take a bit of a break.

Don’t know who is going to build those houses, all the skilled tradesmen have been told to fuck off home

That old wife will be sleeping with the potatoes tbs.

It's Trump allover - talk absolute shite which sounds good to the people who support him who'll watch the first story on the news and think "he's sorting it" but will switch off before the analysis (if there is any) takes it apart as nonsense.

Actually reads like a page from your diary.

Two miles in and i have to swerve quickly to avoid being hit by a HGV. Furious, I almost throw my flat white at the aggressive lorry driver but think of better of it when it dawns on me I would have to retrieve my keep cup from oncoming traffic. Undeterred, I continue, dreaming of my morning kale smoothie

I always hoped there was a really junior British bloke on the writing staff that suggested it and has been laughing his cock off ever since.

If only he'd stayed. We'd never had to endure that awful Rafa.

Occasional sobriety.

If you tried that shit up here, you would be rightly beaten to death.

Fuck me - Premier League, please get the takeover sanctioned

You can tell Liverpool have just won the title as they're all coming out of the woodwork even in death! Apparently Yul Brynner was a Liverpool fan according to some scouser on twitter. He was well known for his love of the reds in showbiz circles as well as his aversion to aftershave. Yul never wore cologne.

What I wanna know is, what does Joe Kinnear think? Dennis Wise too. A whole host of past NUFC legends can add their expertise to the mix: Steve McClaren, Kenny Dalglish, John Barnes, Ian Rush, Caçapa. The list is endless. That would keep us happy whilst we wait in our ‘places’ for those who know best to decide what’s good for us. Come on Chronicle keep up. Cunts.

Thought he was wearing cowboy boots at first

Imagine being that guy “he died in an escooter crash” ”officer...what the fuck is an escooter!?”

They're after some kid who was on Love Island last year

With a touch of a young Roy Keane thrown in. Not that Keane ever looked young, but you know what I mean.

When they came up with that character, do you think they were aware of what Blart meant over here?

Nice one Looks like a teenage girls iPhone with strings

Today would have seen Pardews 8 year contract expire.

What is this? Have you got one too? You're older than me ffs!

Fuck you, I want a running fucking commentary.

That’s quite a range.

Even his mother looked better and she'd been dead three years when they took this photo.

look, dickheads - it's environmentally friendly, doesn't contribute to air pollution, gets from me to work more quickly than public transport and means i don't have to get on the corona carriages with all the other chumps. all the advantages of cycling, while removing the need to shower on arrival at work, or wear lycra. i'm blazing a trail - you'll all be riding them when we enter year 3 of the pandemic.

Fucking hell Make sure your mam doesn’t take it off you for not doing your homework.

I think I mentioned it on here ages ago but a woman I used to work with, along with her husband, voted Leave. In fact they were both so determined to do so they did it by postal vote weeks before the day of the vote. Afterwards she spoke several times about they’d intended to retire to the continent, probably Spain, and was very concerned about how that would be impacted.

The whole thread is gold

Here comes the troll...

Would be impolite to refuse her.