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She looks more natural practicing lying than she does pretending to cry.

Emerton

EAT MY GOAL!

Well, I must say I'm starting to understand why CT voted for Corbyn.

I can save Mandy a brown bag of cash and tell her now his recommendations are Crouchy, Defoe and Niko Kranjcar.

New short term transfer adviser revealed.....

When your manager is so shite that you have to hire your own coach.

Would you download a car?

Watched a film last night about a bloke who went round librarys pouring meat juices over the non-fiction books. It was baste on a true story.… I thangew.

As much as he has been shit for most of his time with us, you can’t fault his professional approach to sort out things and improve performances. There is still a long way to go though.

Given how this is going, it'll end with a photo of Boris dressed fully as santa claus with a couple of young Tory interns on each knee underneath a banner saying "No. 10 Christmas Party 2020"

It's okay. They've now confirmed that he wasn't at the party but are still unable to confirm whether there was a party.

FYP

It's been a while since we've had one of these but it really makes me nostalgic for the old public statement in front of your house, there's not enough of them these days.

It’ll be forgotten about in a few seasons. People were mad at Chelsea then Man City. The top clubs understand business and will happily take the money. Your best option is pluck some mercenary from Barcelona to get the ball rolling. The post above almost had it right by saying you need your Robinho signing (even if he was daft for saying Haaland) that will set the wave in motion. But anyway I hope they’re all flops and not only do you bankrupt yourself but you bankrupt Saudi Arabia too 😁

Not surprised with the Architect's the employed. They had the buildings orientated incorrectly and didn't realise there was a metro line there.

Should never have given Rishi a top job. That fucker would have gone on telly in a bra and knickers and insisted he was wearing a suit if they'd told him to.

Made my annual Day 1 pilgrimage to the GABBA test match yesterday. It's a tradition. And with the English affinity for tradition in mind, you'll all be happy to know that the long tradition of the English losing at the GABBA seems well intact. Even your best friend, rain, seems powerless to help you. *Oh Britannia!* (God, I hope this doesn't come back to bite me in the ass.) Also, it was definitely a good toss to lose yesterday. Day 1 Gabba is a batsmen's paradise but the weather was muggy af and it was always going to hoop around early doors. But there is ZERO chance an English captain ever chooses to bowl first at the GABBA again after Nasser's gaffe in 2003. If there was ever an opportunity for it, though, it was yesterday. First ball showed that and the lack of resistance afterwards confirmed it. The most resilience I saw all day was from the pisshead who refused to move when the cops and two lots of security guards came to remove him from the ground after they felt de-manned by the size of the mightily impressive cup snake he'd built during the rain delay.

Coming to a cinema near you. But you must wear a mask to go & see it.

See, attitudes like this will be the death of journalism and the media more generally. If only someone who worked in such industries was present to set out how problematic your request is

There's been a covid outbreak in the Leicester camp. Lookman, Amartey, Iheanacho, Vestergaard, Perez, Benkovic, and Daley-Campbell haven't travelled to the Napoli game. Obviously only really Lookman, Inheanacho and Vestergaard are starters, or in Iheanacho's case someone who usually plays at least 20 minutes per match so important if not a nailed on starter. Regardless it's yet more disruption to the Leicester team before the match on Sunday. Everything seems to be pointing towards us having a very decent shout at getting a positive result on Sunday, so expect us to lose 4-0 😉👍

Makes a change from clubbing seals.

Now they won't confirm that the bloke running the inquiry wasn't himself at the party.

Sounds like a week in the life of Gloomy tbf.

So what they’re saying is go the pub, go to restaurants and the work Christmas do (if it hasn’t been cancelled), but don’t go to work. Sounds alright

Why does Santa always come through the chimney? Because he knows better than to try the back door

If you look closely they didn’t do that for the original NEWCASTLE UNITED sign, they just stuck Sports Direct over the top The original imprints are still There,

Lots at a local level, for sure. I can understand why people are more sceptical about MPs though. That said, Lembit Öpik aside - and even he seemed all right in his Gosforth councillor days before he went off the deep end - the extensive sample of two current MPs I can claim to know in any kind of personal capacity are both what I'd call smart and compassionate. Of course, neither of them are anywhere near actual power....

I think he wrote the script for David Cameron….

This year’s attendance unlikely to be as big as the last time he played the Tory Xmas party

So, since it’s December and I’ve ran out of fireworks to annoy the neighbours with, I’ll post my favourite Christmas joke. After recording The Little Drummer Boy with Bing, Bowie noticed he was looking a bit glum. Bowie-“ Everything ok Bing?” Bing-“ Sorry David, my inflatable arse has a slow puncture…” Bowie-“ Sorry to hear that Bing, would you like to borrow my Rubber Bum Pump?” Bing-“ A Rubber Bum Pump?” Bowie-“ A Rubber Bum Pump.” Lick iz.

Is Charlie Brooker writing their script?

Surely people will just laugh off any restrictions now? Ive followed everything during this pandemic, I live alone, it was tough. Whilst this lot robbed the tills and necked on with their advisors. He can get to fuck if he thinks I’m not spending this Christmas with my family & he can get to fuck if he thinks he’s doing me a favour letting me.

Batting first in an Ashes series was madness. I know batting is the done thing, but an early wicket totally galvanises the fielding team and leads exactly to what we saw. Put them in, even if you don’t get early wickets you don’t put yourself in a losing position on day one, make them at least work for it. Try and make a statement with your strongest suit, and that ain’t our batting. Not to mention the green top and cloud cover. All that said, how the fucking fuck do you get bowled leg stump, by a quickie, first up 🤷🏼‍♂️🙄

Honestly we just need to secure our status for next season and then the real fun can begin. You wouldn't begrudge someone not wanting to commit to this project because of the real and immediate risk of relegation.

When you realise your mistake just a little bit too late...

I genuinely don't know how the accord holds at these Premier League meetings. You've got to be some kind of fanny to be making agreements with any of the clubs that tried to snake off to the ESL not 8 months ago. Because it's them that are shitting bricks, the big lads. Fair enough, this season when we're relegation prospects, I can see other relegation prospects not wanting to help us out. But I'd still be saying to the Big 6, we are doing this for ourselves. You lot, I couldn't give a fuck about, especially not after the shit you pulled a few months back.

Oh no! We’ll have to buy cheaper foreign players and invest in our academy. What a blow to the richest club in the League. It’ll just make it all the sweeter when we’re regularly turning them all inside out.

It was all going so well for them- “five in a roweh”, The Italian Fascist manger, Hippo Heed, then… fucking oblivion, and all of it recorded for our enjoyment. Maybe I’m wrong and there is a God

Also “weh flags marra, FTM!” doesn’t seem to be going very well.