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That was PSG, was very upset aye. Was good to see you before the game though mate

On ashworth and Ratcliffe, may their arseholes seize up and their balls fester.

UEFA closed the Legia Warsaw ultra’s section for tonight’s game over “offensive banners” But the ultras have just taken over another section of the ground and responded with this

The secret diary of monkey's fist, aged 56 1/2 Well diary, there I was again. The seconds rolled into minutes, the fine drizzle started to pool up and I was getting wet. I stood on the kerb looking at the shop door, I'd waited for a wifey to come out so I could go in and buy this exxxtra special razzle with luscious Liz's breasticles on display but as she left and I was about to cross the road an auld cunt came from nowhere and walked in. I cursed and thought to myself, 'haven't you got a coffin to stop avoiding, you walking fucking advert for euthanasia?' but decided to just walk into the shop anyway and wait in there for the Percy Sugden lookalike to fuck off. I pretended to look at the newspapers on the bottom shelf as 'Perc-eh' was paying up. The newsagent gives him the change but then the auld cunt starts talking! 'fucking get out of the shop before anyone else comes in you fucking coffin dodger' I think to myself. Finally, finally he fucks off. I'm surprised nobody else has come in but it's dull, cold and wet so my luck's in. I reach up, using my wide hobbit-like feet for extra leverage groping for the razzle magazine with Liz smiling on the front cover with a banner covering her tits imagining what lies underneath? I quickly pay the the bloke whilst not making eye contact, pick up the dirty mag and stuff it into my coat then evacuate the building. I'm out! I get to the car then it's back home. Everybody is out so it's just me, Liz and Rosie Palm and her five daughters. The Steve McQueen's get dropped as well as the hondacrackas and I'm quickly going to page seven to where Liz's fiscal assets are going to be displayed. I open page seven and....hang on a minute, that's not Liz? I look at her and then the name and it says Liz Trusses! The fucking conning bastards!!! It was just a parody spread! All that fucking subterfuge at the paper shop for fuck all. Anyway, to cut a long story short, I just squinted my eyes a bit and gave it six nowt anyway. Whey, unlike Liz I can't just chuck good money away, can I? The Simian's fist got it's money's worth. Lol! Laters."

The attitude of the man absolutely stinks. When we were trying to get Ashworth from Brighton I don't recall Staveley speaking publicly about it. Regardless of whether he's on gardening leave or not he's still a Newcastle United employee and here this prick is talking about him in an interview with the national broadcaster. If this goes to court as the tax dodger thinks the leave clause is illegal then he's really not doing himself any favours here by tapping him up on national TV.

I’m sure it’ll all be fine

I suppose someone paying several billion to buy 25% of a football club and taking the Glazers at their word knows all about silly numbers.

“ I hear his roses are coming along nicely”

Not even a simple platitude.

No Mrs Wyki's got plans 🙂

Kinky bastard

Howe "repeatedly made reference to how longevity is key for a Sporting Director" at this morning's press conference. Safe to say he thinks Ashworth is a cunt.

His "that doesn't make any sense to anybody" about Ashworth being on gardening leave. It makes perfect sense for the club for which he has all of our transfer planning/Joelinton's contract details in his head, arse wipe. He's so quietly obsessed with himself. I hope he's very quickly at loggerheads with the Glazers and it all goes tits up.

Just want us to be competitive tomorrow, not get hammered or anything. And most importantly please dont rush in Isak and Willock if they aren't 100%. FA Cup has to be the absolute priority.

A transfer not to be sniffed at apparently

I'm afraid not. The celebrities on it are insane man. Paul Burrell is on this series trying to talk to Dead Diana, who I assume he's claiming is haunting his house. I might watch the Chuckle Brothers one and report back.

I get fucking raging when I see one of those. Just shave it off you delusional spenk.

She should go for a new record- first ex PM to go full burger shot in Razzle. Is Razzle still going? I’d buy it if she did * *would I fuck, I’d just hit up Google obvs.

It's Audio

The more I hear about his career and the way he’s tried to force a move the less arsed I am about him leaving. I’m not saying he’s shit at his job or anything but he comes across as a right sly cunt and I’m not exactly sure what he’s done in the past to justify the hype. And I don’t care what walk of life it is, when you’re able to pursue who you like, as opposed to a fair and open approach, ie like Brailsford has the freedom at Man Utd. There’s a tendency to appoint people you know and like. Rather than purely because they’re the best

Nobody in the UK, and by that I mean most people as opposed to literally nobody, gives a fucking shit about Gaza. And even less people care about this absolute fucking bollocks of debating it in the commons. It’s pathetic stuff from the SNP and it’s all because Labour are about to give them a shoeing in Scotland at the general election. And ditto from the Tories who are about to get an even bigger fucking lacing from Labour in England. So the fact it has backfired is fucking great. And all the Corbynite cunts who have barely said a peep / quickly forgot about things happening in places like Afghanistan and Syria, because it didn’t give them a opportunity (in their eyes) to legitimise their antisemitism can go fuck themselves as well. Poking this particular hornets nest is only going to increase the chance of more Muslims and Jews getting attacked purely for who they are. That along with scoring cheap political points (not this time though, unlucky).

Modesty, a self-awareness old mate @Gemmill will never know.

All on the same day. I can only presume it's a planned strategy to appeal to the RW loons

Sunak will do nowt. Too scared.

Loving this side to Eddie. Anybody not fully invested get promptly get in the sea

A young man walks onto the stage of Stars in their Eyes, on crutches, with a plaster cast from his feet to his hips. Matthew Kelly Introduces him as Simon. “It’s very brave of you to come out here,” says Matthew. “Please tell the audience what happened.” “Well,” replies Simon, “about a year ago, I was driving with my uncle when we had a really bad accident. Unfortunately my uncle was killed outright but I survived. I was trapped in the car for six hours before I was eventually cut free. The doctors had me in surgery for 12 hours but they couldn’t save my legs.” “That’s terrible. But I see you have legs now. Are they artificial?” asks Matthew. "No Matthew, while I was in hospital the doctors informed me that my uncle had in fact died. But they also said that his legs were fine and, with all the advances in medical science, they could graft the bottom half of his body onto mine. As you can see the operation was successful. “I have been having physiotherapy for six months and hope to be walking fully again by the end of the year.” A huge round of applause erupts from the audience. Kelly responds with: “That’s an unbelievable story. So tonight, who are you going to be?” “Tonight, Matthew, I am going to be Simon and Half-uncle.”

The hair horseshoe is ewerk's look.

"Economic establishment" got her? Eh? Wasn't it the free fucking markets, after she decided to ignore the OBR and the BoE? She is batshit. Also, isn't she still a fucking MP? How is it okay for her to appear on platforms with Putin sympathisers like this whilst still being in office? She's literally verging on treason now. Still would motorboat those tits though.

Take a bow, @PaddockLad Was this the PSG game? Is that a perm BTW or all natural?

Fucking hell as if I couldn't love Eddie any more!

She just wants a seat on the grift gravy train. Her political career is in the bin so she needs to pay her mortgage. Same as Joey Barton, Nigel Farage, Bev Turner, Katie Hopkins, Matt le Tissier.

Aye. I don't think PSR figures are publicly released so they base them on the account figures which include all of the above.

Yeah. No. It's a no.

Live updates from the press conference on Craig Hope's Newcastle United WhatsApp channel. Schar fine, Willock and Isak have come through training unscathed so far.

https://www.politico.com/news/magazine/2024/02/22/truss-at-cpac-00142807 Sounds like Truss's experience was like going to Comic-Con as some washed up has-been from a 70s BBC sci-fi show.

You forget that we're getting this lad back this summer. I assume we'll be keeping him in the squad given the season he's been having at Feyenoord.

Bruno is available at 2/1 or maybe even 5/2 for a yellow tomorrow. Has to be a certainty, he's been saving himself for this one...