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They'll have a fit when they see what Man U think of them:

People cross the road when they see my dog. All it wants to do is shag legs. The most terrifying part is she's a girl doing it... That and she's 8 stone... Anyway, I agree.

care for a flutter brett?

"Whose brain, did you give him? Don't say it was Abby Normal again?!" "No, not him." "Who, then?" It was....... Keyth." "Noooooo!"

they had a thread going giving chris sutton pelters for predicting them to go down, up pops keith... chris sutton.... playing career debut 18 yr old with norwich city. goes on to make 409 appearances as a professional footballer scoring 148 goals. wins a premier league title, plays for england at U21 and senior level. works as commentator and pundit for tnt sports, sky sports and bbc sports. keiths30s.... thick as fucking pigshit, racist moderator on rtg. claimed the loch ness drogba was a better striker than isak who was worth £6m max. claimed nufc was £1/2b team of cloggers etc etc etc... aye, ok keith.

Gemmill in canine form.

Our mut Hamish (not 8 stone) of tree trunks for sticks fame, loves people BUT every time he meets a woman he's straight in for a big sniff, no subtlety, straight under skirts the lot. Lost count of the bollockings I've had off the Mrs for exclaiming:

That's a very tough start then some of the 'easier' games come in around CL fixtures by the looks of it. I really hope we have a decent transfer window as we're going to need it because injuries aside my fear is one or two legs could start to go in the older player category. I couldn't care less about rumours or journalist talk, I'd just like to see some players standing on the pitch at SJP with no coverage up to the last day or so we buy them, if I've never particularly heard of them that won't be a problem either. We haven't done too bad up to this point but for future revenue need to start getting some young potentially sellable talent in or make them so good they end up in the side. Just have to trust we get what we want or the next best thing.

Homophobia

imagine the cunts who failed the interview when keith landed the job as a moderator over there man.

Only beat us 3-0 at home without breaking sweat. 😂 This bloke really is a walking brain donor. Oh, I forgot, he's not. He uses a mobility scooter.

Is his greatest negotiation negotiating his negotiated departure?

They will probably just sell him to their hotel for 75m to do some work there tbh.

The man from Boldon, he say:

How to spend a day in San Sebastián eating pintxos. Basque country is fucking amazing.

So they categorise Burnley, Brighton, Brentford, Fulham and Bournemouth as a bigger draw than the massive lads fans of Netflix?

Understood

Oh and some mirror sunglasses cos some of the senoritas are fucking outstanding

It’s fucking class, 40 degrees currently so I’m sweating my pig tits off. The food is great, but it’s quite difficult to understand if you don’t speak a bit of Spanish cos there’s hardly a place with a menu. You either guess or ask. Everyone speaks great English though if you are struggling. The tourist areas are quite small or close together so a 3 day job would probably do. Guggenheim was cool, parks are class and ignoring my point above bring some comfy shoes cos we did nearly 13 miles walking around yesterday. /judith chalmers

I have a Quest and it is incredible, however the pron almost makes dating redundant, especially if you get the synchronised groinal gear. I am told.

The fucking brass neck of them saying we believe in this conspiracy nonsense. 😆

In full: August Sat 16 Aston Villa (A) Sat 23 Liverpool (H) Sat 30 Leeds United (A) September Sat 13 Wolves (H) Tue 16/Wed 17/Thu 18 CL 1 Sat 20 Bournemouth (A) Carabao Cup 3 Sat 27 Arsenal (H) Tue 30/Wed 01 CL2 October Sat 04 Nottingham Forest (H) Sat 18 Brighton (A) Tue 21/Wed 22 CL3 Sat 25 Fulham (H) November Sat 01 West Ham (A) Tue 04/Wed 05 CL 4 Sat 08 Brentford (A) Sat 22 Manchester City (H) Tue 25/Wed 26 CL5 Sat 29 Everton (A) December Wed 03 Spurs (H) Sat 06 Burnley (H) Tue 09/Wed 10 CL6 Sat 13 mackems (A) Sat 20 Chelsea (H) Sat 27 Manchester United (A) Tue 30 Burnley (A) January Sat 03 Crystal Palace (H) Sat 10 FAC 3 Wed 07 Leeds United (H) Sat 17 Wolves (A) Tue 20/Wed 21 CL7 Sat 24 Aston Villa (H) Wed 28 CL8 Sat 31 Liverpool (A) February Sat 07 Brentford (H) Wed 11 Spurs (A) Sat 21 Manchester City (A) Sat 28 Everton (H) March Wed 04 Manchester United (H) Sat 14 Chelsea (A) Sat 21 mackems (H) April Sat 11 Crystal Palace (A) Sat 18 Bournemouth (H) Sat 25 Arsenal (A) May Sat 02 Brighton (H) Sat 09 Nottingham Forest (A) Sun 17 West Ham (H) Sun 24 Fulham (A)

Ordered mine a size up as usual, opened it and it looked the part then noticed on the inside collar it said slim fit. That’s that fucked then.

being as he's most definitely still looking in, this one's dedicated to you gemmill, the style council's classic 'long hot mitch summer just passed me by'....

We haven't negotiated for a cunt since he got here so I agree. It'll probably speed them up a bit.

Talking of mental gymnastics, well, just mental really.....

Oh, hai Antonio

The Magpie's 'nest'. The upstairs flat was the 'boardroom' for a meeting in May 1892 between the directors of Newcastle East End and the recently folded Newcastle West End where the decision was made for East End to move to West End's ground at St James' Park with the idea of attracting West End's fan base too. Essentially the birth place of the club we know today.

They’re in for a massive rude awakening like. West Ham were in very sketchy form towards the end of last year but Bowen and Kudus alone could absolutely torture them. That’s before you get onto Palace’s front line and Villa are better man for man. That’s maybe the best start they could have hoped for and it’ll be impressive if they muster up more than 4/5 points

Antonio Cordero says "Hiiiiiiiii"

I went there for a midweek game in 83 when I was at university in Bradford so I went with a posh kid from Gosforth and his mate from somewhere in London who was an arsenal fan who as you can imagine were complete fannies. We got a local train back to Leeds and it had its windows put out with bricks which was nice. (Referring to Barnsley).

The league cup game at Ayresome in 92/93 is the most scared I've ever been at a football match. I think it was the game where some of our lot first wore the HAZMAT overalls and face masks and the locals didn't take kindly to it 😬

It was his missus, Di that I feel sorry for.

I just can't wait to hear about all their encounters with premier league fans who will all be over the moon they're back and will of course think the sun shines out of their derriere whilst slaughtering the mags before getting the hankies out towards the end for a real weepie as they mourn the premier league loss of the classy, Netflix phenomenon, Sunderland AFC.

They remind me of Spurs in many ways. It's gone under the radar largely but Levy coming out and saying that 'Postecoglou winning the Europa League wasn't enough, they want the Premier League title' is fucking scandalous. Understand your position your utter fucktards. Sunderland are just the same.

They had about two good results in the last quarter of the season and had well and truly turned on their manager and wanted him out before (and at certain points, during) the playoffs. And now it’s like it never happened. Saw a post on there from the loveable Keith saying the manager might be under pressure if the club goes ‘all in’ and they struggle but might get the full season regardless of performances if they ‘only’ spend £50m. It’s just down the road but it’s like a different planet at times. Especially on that message board which is weird even by their standards

28 mins after their release we've done nothing but complain about when we play them have we? Not a single peep, man. Rent free in their heads

Aye we're quaking in our boots. It definitely won't be nice to have a training game after an actual game, against an actual club, with actual stakes.

Good time to play them and about time we beat those cunts in the league

Joelinton would set him right a few seconds into his first strop in training the mans fucking terrifying but like...terrifying in the way your enormous lovable dog is terrifying.

If you think he walks a tightrope, I would like to introduce you to Joelinton. Joao Pedro would be an amateur compared to him

To be honest I've not heard too much about what happened between the two JPs at the training ground but I got increasingly frustrated with Joao's attitude at times and with at least three stupid attempts at an elbow where he was lucky not to get sent off all three times. (We'd clawed ourselves back into a game at Brenford after Mitoma came on as a sub and then Joao threw our chances away stupidly). He's young but he had those two earlier in the season let-offs to learn from. He's got the ability, there's no dispute there, but Joao is never far away from censure. I just wish we could get Evan Ferguson back on track because he's more of a goalscorer but has seriously lost his way. But that's another story. Thanks for the welcome back , I really hope you do well this season - my favourite away game.

Taking that 3-0 fucking walkover as some sort of positive it’s a shame it’s not an Olympic year as Keith would have a chance of a gold medal in the mental gymnastics category

Yup - its a front to discuss Newcastle United. These lunatics exist