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I mean, just how close me and michelle keegan got to shagging isn't even the big story here. apparently there's 6,000,000 people apply to be in the strictly audience, and I won the fucking ballot.

He seemed to enjoy it though.

Brussels Airport is actually in Ponteland on Wearside

I suppose that might go 5% of the way to making up for her having to clean all the hot sauce skids out of your raggy underpants.

Sat in his fucking booster seat in the front row with a blatant stonk-on.

TBD in the middle fucking bragging on about his goalkeeping prowess.

so you see what really happened here is this.... mrs tbd who's been an avid fan of strictly since the outset had 2 tickets for the roadshow at the NEC bought for her by her mother as a christmas present. she went with her best mate and enjoyed it but said they were too far away from the dance floor to watch it other than on the big screen. so, in a stunning act of selflessness I applied for and was successful in getting tickets for elstree and making her dreams come true. because I know how to treat a lady. what are you on now, your fifth attempt?

Fyp

But you don't get tickets. You get to stand on a queue to then get a chance of going in. And to get front row you have to be there at about 3am to then queue until they come out at 14:00 to stamp you. The only reason I know this is because Mrs wilson....I mean wykiki has been several times and it sounds like fucking hell!

I was sat 5ft from barbara windsor, bless she'd have been in her 70s then but all I could see was her in her carry on camping glory.

was actually. caroline, pixie lott, frankie out the sarurdays, ola jordon and darcey bussell's legs in a little pink leather mini skirt. only drawback was michelle keegan wasn't there as she was away filming her soldier programme. probably saved mark wright his marriage that did.

And PSG recently.

Which was tall for a ten year old. Pity he stopped growing at that point.

I remember that game, someone got a photo of your school bus

there's never, ever a bad moment for this.....

I'm sure that school would be amazed to discover that that cat like goalkeeper grew up to be the man that had his collarbone broken by a dog that pulled on his lead.

Pick Nope.

He only “landed awkwardly” cos he was pushed mid air

They're in 'visible from space' territory on the bitterness for me now

He's fucking fuming and I love it.

We need to get Tonali's contract extension sorted sharpish. I really don't see us getting back in the champions league next season so we don't want to be negotiating it from that weaker position. Get it done now because he is clearly the best player we have and other clubs will be sniffing around him soon enough.

D'dYP

I'd have been watching them like....

I know you lads, like me, are probably wondering what the lass who presented the Meteorologicas on Channel 9 on the Fast Show is doing now … Well, it seems her and Chrissy Waddle set up a haulage company in Poland Thank you, goodnight, get fucked.

I suspect Big Willy’s middle name is Shane as far as someone is concerned. The same someone who eats his Mars Bars upside so he can feel the ripples on his tongue…

Pilots after 5 minutes listening to lego heed:

This mob have been on my radar ever since I heard their full name is Royal Union Saint-Gilloise and their ultras refer to themselves as The Bhoys. I remember them drawing Rangers a few years ago and revelling in watching both sides of the divide up here tie themselves in knots over whether they were to be considered good guys or wanks.

Well I stand corrected. I think they brought that in last year anyway but it must’ve changed. I must I admit though it was based purely on an article from last season (I think). I couldn’t honestly say I know it’s true because I took very little interest in European competitions last season after taking the huff when Man City turned up half cut for the cup final and let their bitter rivals have the run of Wembley because it was only their second consecutive double at stake

Almost as misleading as being known as a NUFC celebrity

Can I just say. I haven't hacked TP account

So, he's whining Charleroi Airport is actually in Charleroi, thick speech impediment cunt.

Aye, clubs like Liverpool, Man U and Bayern Munich think they get to pay what they want and get a bit put out when 'the likes of' us or another club not in their little super league conspiracy say fuck it, go on then we'll pay your price for one of their targets.

You’d have to ask why the club Rummenigge used to play for and still works for wanted to sign Woltemade if he’s that bad. It’s either sour grapes or he’s been reading CT’s posts on here

What I'm getting is that he entered the ballot for Strictly.

Keith Flint doesn’t look happy mind.

We can't be going to a belgian league side with anything less than a victory in mind. There isn't a team in our league that wouldn't be favourites to win theirs. The team shouldn't go into the game cocky, but we should.

He’s seemingly already got rugby coaches sorting his tactics out so why not get more outside help

Red seven, bandits at 6 o'clock, steady boys. Cabbage crates over the briney. Woltemade comes on. Dogsbody calling, beware the hun in the sun.

Back to the tried and tested. 3-0 to us, hatrick from Super Mac and 2 from Tudor.

Woltemade: “I felt his elbow in my face. I’m two metres, so his arm had to be really high. I said it to the referee. I felt something in my face and I think it’s not right to feel something in your face." “I’m not the type of player who will fall down for this. It’s hard, because sometimes maybe you have to do it, but this is not my type of football, and I don’t like it. He said sorry after, so I think he knew that he hit me in my face." When asked why he didn’t shake Gabriel’s hand: “Because I don’t like this. If you do something in the game then 30 seconds after you say sorry, that’s not a part of the game. I don’t like it. We had some really good situations, and I like this situation where we can get a good battle but it always has to be fair. His elbow should be not in my face.”

Tom Watson always comes across as a proper gent like. Was a shame that year when he almost won the Open again when he was nearly 60 (he was 59 ) it would’ve been one of the greatest achievements in the sport. Maybe the greatest

You lads aren’t using checkatrade or my builder bullshit are you? If you are, don’t. Generally speaking if a tradesman needs to be on there they are shite.

BBC Scotland (TV and radio folks) Toonpack is the nice Toonpack, I'm channeling my R5 smarmy, posh, disinterested, condescending presenter/interviewer Toonpack. So R5 called asking for a chat whilst me and Mrs were out having a meal circa 7-ish night after ceremony, we'd love to talk to you about your great uncle etc. Etc. Me - I'm just having a meal could you call me at 7:45/8:00 French time (hour ahead), ok they say. Meal not finished, text received, we'll call you at 8:15 our time, so 9:15 for you on French time. Fuck me!!! Anyway phone goes 9:15 and I hear, "ok we're recording a short interview" (er what, you said a chat, which every fucker else has done BEFORE any interview) "aaaand were rolling, just say hello" !!! Reminder for everyone that my great Uncle Gordon has been dead for 110 years and we have 10 letters. Posh R5 cunt (missed his name) - what was Gordon like ? Toonpack - Sorry, what? R5 Cunt - what can you tell from the letters. Toonpack - Waffle about what his comrades wrote after he was killed. R5 cunt - who in your current family is most like Gordon ? Toonpack - really ? R5 Cunt - oh, I'm sorry, I caught you on the hop with that. Mrs could hear and she was just involved in a frenzied shaking her head/rolling her eyes combo. Fuck knows if it was broadcast, but I told the BBC Scotland lads who did the film EXACTLY what I thought of R5 smarmy cunt, that's the Toonpack you've got today.

We’re doing sporting cliches rather than your favourite films 👍🏻

*sigh*

Liverpool U19s are live on TNT Sports 1 this afternoon