GeordieMessiah

Nah, I prefer just to Brylcreem my pubes into a sort of 1920's Jeeves style comb-over. As if you can see past your belly to do anything that intricate. I have a rather fancy combination of mirrors strategically placed around my bathroom which helps me deal with this particular challenge.

Nah, I prefer just to Brylcreem my pubes into a sort of 1920's Jeeves style comb-over.

Back, sack and crack?

Have you got a hairy back? She usually manages to keep it in check with her neighbours flymo. Hate to think where our Cath uses the neighbour's strimmer then... On you if you don't pack it in! Sorry Cath.

Have you got a hairy back? She usually manages to keep it in check with her neighbours flymo. Hate to think where our Cath uses the neighbour's strimmer then...

Oh dear...

Have you got a hairy back?

Mate - I was keeping it anonymous for ya!

Question (mostly for the ladies - but I guess the resident queers on here are welcome to answer too!)...but does a guy with a truly gorilla-like hairy back turn you on on off? It's just that "a friend" of mine asked me. He seems a bit worried about it, like...

That is correct. Aye, thought so. Total shite.

They did that "Step into My World" thing didn't they?

The TV show just started last night. Ah, I'd definitely rather watch a programme about them than read them anyway. I think it's the first thing worth watching on ITV in 7 years. And it's basically a channel 4/5 esque list show. Now that seems quite specific, HF. Almost as if you had another ITV programme in mind that was quite good 7 years ago...failing to see what it could possibly be, since that channel's been shite for pretty much most of my adult life. Random Number. Prisoner Cell Block H was class though. Have to say I'm miffed with their overnight gameshow thingy - used to see some cracking repeat shows in the early hours. "Weir's Way" and all sorts...

The TV show just started last night. Ah, I'd definitely rather watch a programme about them than read them anyway. I think it's the first thing worth watching on ITV in 7 years. And it's basically a channel 4/5 esque list show. Now that seems quite specific, HF. Almost as if you had another ITV programme in mind that was quite good 7 years ago...failing to see what it could possibly be, since that channel's been shite for pretty much most of my adult life.

Socks & undercrackers get worn a day maximum, then hoyed in the laundry basket Shirts - work shirts only ever last a day before they're back in the spin cycle Trousers - dry clean mostly, so the likes of suit trousers etc can vary a bit, depending on how many wears the trousers have had - I'm never that sure, but I tend to get 3 or 4 suits dry cleaned every month or so. Jeans - probably about a week before they get chucked in with the Persil

Forgot that little beauty!

How many policeman does it take to change a lightbulb? None. It just turns itself in. How many civil servants does it take to change a light-bulb? Ten. One to mess it up and nine to write the cover-up report. How many social workers does it take to change a light bulb? They do not change light bulbs; they search for the root cause as to why the last one went out. How many members of the starship Enterprise does it take to change a light bulb? Seven. Scotty will report to Captain Kirk that the light bulb in the Engineering Section is burnt out, to which Kirk will send Bones to pronounce the bulb dead. Scotty, after checking around, notices that they have no more new light bulbs, and complains that he can't see in the dark to tend to his engines. Kirk must make an emergency stop at the next uncharted planet, Alpha Regula IV, to procure a light bulb from the natives. Kirk, Spock, Bones, Sulu, and 3 red shirt security officers beam down. The 3 security officers are promptly killed by the natives, and the rest of the landing party is captured. Meanwhile, back in orbit, Scotty notices a Klingon ship approaching and must warp out of orbit to escape detection. Bones cures the native king who is suffering from the flu, and as a reward the landing party is set free and given all of the light bulbs they can carry. Scotty cripples the Klingon ship and warps back to the planet just in time to beam up Kirk et. al. The new bulb is inserted, and the Enterprise continues with its five year mission. How many Technical Support staff does it take to change a light bulb? "Well, we have an exact copy of your light bulb here and it seems to be working OK. Can you be more specific about the exact problem?..." How many British trades unionists does it take to change a light bulb? None. They cannot interfere with the light bulb's inalienable right to withdraw its labour. How many Chinamen does it take to change a light bulb? Thousands, because Confucius say many hands make light work. Why does it take a pre-menstrual woman 3 weeks to change a lightbulb? It just FUCKING DOES, ALRIGHT???!!!!!

A man is working on the buses in the US collecting tickets. He rings the bell for the driver to set off when there's a woman half getting on the bus. The driver sets off, the woman falls from the bus and is killed. At the trial the man is sent down for murder and seeing as it's Texas he's sent to the electric chair. On the day of his execution he's sat in the chair and the executioner grants him a final wish. "Well" says the man, "is that your packed lunch over there?" "Yes" answers the executioner. "Can I have that green banana?" The executioner gives the man his green banana and waits till he's eaten it. When the man's finished, the executioner flips the switch sending hundreds of thousands of volts through the man. When the smoke clears the man is still alive. The executioner can't believe it. "Can I go?" the man asks. "I suppose so" says the executioner, "that's never happened before." The man leaves and eventually gets a job back on the buses selling tickets. Again he rings the bell for the driver to go when people are still getting on. A man falls under the wheels and is killed. The bloke is sent down for murder again and sent to the electric chair. The executioner is determined to do it right this time so rigs the chair up to the electric supply for the whole of Texas. The bloke is again sat in the chair. "What is your final wish?" asks the executioner. "Can I have that green banana in your packed lunch ?" says the condemned man. The executioner sighs and reluctantly gives up his banana. The bloke eats the banana all up and the executioner flips the switch. Millions of volts course through the chair blacking out Texas. When the smoke clears the man is still sat there smiling in the chair. The executioner can't believe it and lets the man go. Well, would you believe, the bloke gets his job back on the buses. Once again he rings the bell whilst passengers are still getting on, this time killing three of them. He is sent to the electric chair again. The executioner rigs up all United States electricity supply to The chair, determined to get his man this time. The man sits down in the chair smiling. "What's your final wish ?" asks the executioner. "Well" says the man, "Can I have that green banana out of your packed lunch.?" The executioner hands over his banana and the man eats it all, skin included. The executioner pulls the handle and a brazillion volts go through the chair. When the smoke rises the man is still sat there alive without even a burn mark. "I give up" says the executioner, "I don't understand how you can still be alive after all that?". He stroked his chin. "It's something to do with that green banana isn't it" he asked. "Nahh" said the bloke, "I'm just a really bad conductor"

Thinking about it a bit more, it's more a "study" of celebrity social dynamics than it is a reflection on the judicial system, i.e. it's the Beeb's take on Celebrity Big Brother. You just have to look at the composition of the jury consisting of the likes of Archer, Portillo, Megaman, Collymore, Jacqueline Gold, Honor Blackman, Patsy Palmer, Jennifer Ellison to see this programme for what it really is. Yeah, it is a parcel.

WHY? Would you not like to spend your money on something else that doesn't look like it's been caked in cowshit?

Shut it you hairy-backed-gay-in-need-of-a-haircut-and-with-terrible-taste-in-jumpers And he was so sure you loved it as well!

I've got the next two days off work!

Aye, mine too! Plenty more where that came from...like: Did you hear about the Irish woodworm? It was found dead in a brick. What's the difference between the New York mafia and the Glasgow mafia? One makes you an offer you can't refuse, the other makes you an offer ye cannae understand.

So...one day, this rabbit walks into a bar and asks the barman for a pint of lager and a cheese toastie. The barman duly serves the rabbit, and the rabbit goes and take a seat in the corner of the room. Having finished his drink and his snack, he then leaves. The rabbit comes back the next day, orders a pint and a cheese and ham toastie, a tuna and sweetcorn toastie and an egg and bacon toastie. He sits down in the same seat as before, supping his pint and nibbling his toasties, and when finished, he thanks the barman and leaves. The rabbit soon becomes a regular lunchtime visitor, each day ordering a pint and a variety of different toasties...it goes on for weeks until one day, the barman notices that the rabbit hasn't turned up for lunch. Crestfallen at the loss of such a valuable, regular punter, the barman ploughs on til last orders and upon closing up he clears the tables and stacks the chairs until he is startled by an ghostly apparition sat in the corner of the bar where the rabbit used to sit, day in, day out for the best part of a couple of months. The barman speaks to the rabbit's ghost: "What happened to you? You look terrible..." "Yeah," says the rabbit, "that's because I'm dead" "What did you die of?" asks the barman...to which the rabbit replies: "Mixing my toasties" With apologies to Les Dawson et al...

Looked quite an interesting programme actually...will probably watch the rest. Was it just me, or did the sight of Jeffrey Archer sidling up Jennifer Ellison and saying "wouldn't you fight him off" seem a bit sleazy? Wondering how long it'll be before Collymore loses his rag completely with people implying that he has a better appreciation of the defendants' perspective than anyone else...

"The darker side of Liverpool" - fuck me...doesn't bear thinking about.