Gemmill

Write a short story about a hobbit called RobinRobin who thinks he lives in Australia but actually lives in New Zealand. He is a deaf mute who communicates only through the medium of gifs. He is 80 years old. His hero is Chris Wood, the New Zealand footballer. RobinRobin was an 80-year-old hobbit who lived in what he thought was Australia. He had lived in the same hobbit hole for as long as he could remember, and had never ventured far from his home. RobinRobin was a deaf mute, which made communication difficult, but he had found a way to express himself through the medium of gifs. RobinRobin was obsessed with football, and his hero was Chris Wood, the New Zealand footballer. He had never actually seen Chris Wood play, but he had heard about him from other hobbits and had seen gifs of his goals on the internet. RobinRobin spent hours watching and re-watching these gifs, studying Wood's technique and dreaming of one day meeting him. One day, RobinRobin decided to go on an adventure to see if he could find Chris Wood. He packed a bag with supplies and set off, following the road that he believed would lead him to Australia. After a few days of walking, he stumbled upon a sign that read "Welcome to New Zealand." RobinRobin was confused. He had always thought he was in Australia, but now he realized he had been living in New Zealand all along. He felt a sense of disappointment, but he was also excited to explore this new land. As he wandered through New Zealand, RobinRobin encountered many kind people who were fascinated by his communication through gifs. They welcomed him into their homes and taught him about their culture. RobinRobin felt more connected to the world than ever before, and he realized that there was so much more to life than just football and Chris Wood. Eventually, RobinRobin returned to his hobbit hole, a changed hobbit. He still loved football and Chris Wood, but he also had a new appreciation for the beauty of the world around him and the kindness of strangers. He continued to communicate through gifs, but now he also had stories to share about his adventures in New Zealand. RobinRobin realized that sometimes, the greatest adventures are the ones that lead you to unexpected places.

Write a blues song about a cone-headed taxi driver called Christmas Tree. His hobbies are cooking horrible dinners, listening to ABBA, and voting for Brexit. Verse 1: Well, I hopped in a taxi cab, one cold and dreary night The driver looked so strange, with a cone head big and bright He said his name was Christmas Tree, and his hobbies were bizarre Cooking terrible dinners and listening to ABBA, oh man, what a scar Chorus: Oh Christmas Tree, what's wrong with you? Voting for Brexit, and your dinners make me blue With your cone head and ABBA tunes, you're a sight to see But I gotta get to my destination, so drive that taxi, Christmas Tree Verse 2: I asked him 'bout the weather, but he just talked 'bout Brexit Said he wanted to be independent, didn't want no EU exit Then he offered me some dinner, but I politely declined I didn't wanna hurt his feelings, but those meals just ain't my kind Chorus: Oh Christmas Tree, what's wrong with you? Voting for Brexit, and your dinners make me blue With your cone head and ABBA tunes, you're a sight to see But I gotta get to my destination, so drive that taxi, Christmas Tree Verse 3: As we drove along, he told me 'bout his love for ABBA songs Said they made him feel alive, and he sang 'em all day long I asked him what his favorite was, and he said it was "Fernando" He started singing so loud, I thought my eardrums would blow Chorus: Oh Christmas Tree, what's wrong with you? Voting for Brexit, and your dinners make me blue With your cone head and ABBA tunes, you're a sight to see But I gotta get to my destination, so drive that taxi, Christmas Tree Verse 4: Finally, we arrived at my destination, and I paid him with a smile I thanked him for the ride, and he said "Have a nice while" As I walked away, I couldn't help but think That Christmas Tree was quite a character, though his dinners really stink Chorus: Oh Christmas Tree, what's wrong with you? Voting for Brexit, and your dinners make me blue With your cone head and ABBA tunes, you're a sight to see But I gotta get to my destination, so drive that taxi, Christmas Tree.

My lass is on a Zoom call with the NEU here. The government's latest offer to teachers in England is absolute bullshit. Big divergence from what teachers in Scotland and Wales are getting. More strikes on the way, by the look of it.

I'm sure the continentals will be absolutely mesmerised by the way people from Sunderland grout the bathroom tiles with their own turds. Real Sistine Chapel shit.

It's gonna happen. The SNP is in disarray.

I'd maybe give some thought to the order in which they do things. This is basically: 1. Remove underpants 2. Start thrusting 3. Get girlfriend

Humza Yousaf the new SNP leader. Hope he's shite and Labour (with their Tory manifesto) can get a foothold back in jockland.

Any word on whether they were able to aim their turds into the toilet bowl and their piss into the urinal?

You could already tell he comes from a good family. This just confirms it. Get him signed, Eddie.

Stellini was getting a much better tune out of Spurs than Conte was when Conte was off with his gall bladder troubles. Hopefully he doesn't repeat the trick for the run-in.

When is this cunt getting arrested?

Kane is class. I'd love it if we could bring him here. There's been an outbreak of crazy talk in the last few posts on here.

That's shit mate, sorry to hear that.

Tough fucking shit. He was a multi millionaire and he blew it. Absolute helmet.

Everton have been charged with breaching FFP rules.

Lot of sweater meat on that one. He's well within his rights.

Kalvin Phillips starts for England. 5 subs appearances in the PL, averaging 13 minutes per game. 3 subs appearances in the CL, averaging 13 minutes per game. 1 start in the FA Cup. 1 start in the League Cup. And he's straight into a starting place for England.

Belfast Mike Ashley weighs in.

I see Sunak paid just over 20% in tax on the £4.9m he earned over the last three years. Must be nice.

HX Stomp lads. It's the answer to every question.

Yeah. Do you wanna make something of it?

That's the company some of our esteemed Toontastic colleagues are keeping. I'm sure Steve Bruce would heartily agree.