LeazesMag 0 Posted October 14, 2011 Share Posted October 14, 2011 To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II: In light of your immediate failure to financially manage yourselves and also in recent years your tendency to elect incompetent Presidents of the USA and therefore not able to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.) Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas , which she does not fancy). Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated sometime next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect: 1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.'Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary'). (I love that one) Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.' ' (I love that one too) 3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. 4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse. 5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public. 6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour. 7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.) 8.You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar. 9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. New Zealand beer is also acceptable, as New Zealand is pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion. 10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater. 11. You will cease playing American football. There are only two kinds of proper football; one you call soccer, and rugby (dominated by the New Zealanders). Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). 12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America . Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the Australians (World dominators) first to take the sting out of their deliveries. 13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad. 14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776). 15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season. God Save the Queen! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
manc-mag 1 Posted October 14, 2011 Share Posted October 14, 2011 This thread reminds me that we need to change our national anthem for international matches. It's gash. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChezGiven 0 Posted October 14, 2011 Share Posted October 14, 2011 I thought this was going to be about Cameron's proposed changes to the consitution to allow a first born daughter to take the throne over later sons. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LeazesMag 0 Posted October 14, 2011 Author Share Posted October 14, 2011 This thread reminds me that we need to change our national anthem for international matches. It's gash. is it racist too ? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
manc-mag 1 Posted October 14, 2011 Share Posted October 14, 2011 This thread reminds me that we need to change our national anthem for international matches. It's gash. is it racist too ? Way too early to be on the sauce man. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Monkeys Fist 41886 Posted October 14, 2011 Share Posted October 14, 2011 This thread reminds me that we need to change our national anthem for international matches. It's gash. is it racist too ? The Jocks aren't a race, more an evolutionary mistake. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest alex Posted October 14, 2011 Share Posted October 14, 2011 She ain't no human being Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gemmill 44090 Posted October 14, 2011 Share Posted October 14, 2011 This thread reminds me that we need to change our national anthem for international matches. It's gash. is it racist too ? It is when you sing it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Fish 10659 Posted October 14, 2011 Share Posted October 14, 2011 (edited) Edited October 14, 2011 by The Fish Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LeazesMag 0 Posted October 14, 2011 Author Share Posted October 14, 2011 This thread reminds me that we need to change our national anthem for international matches. It's gash. is it racist too ? Way too early to be on the sauce man. have you been drinking or something ? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CleeToonFan 1 Posted October 14, 2011 Share Posted October 14, 2011 Old, and just stretches a bunch of already unfunny cliches, something like this has the potential to be good but is just dump. If anything moan more about the fact they say "I could care less" instead of "I couldn't care less", that I have time for. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kevin 1 Posted October 14, 2011 Share Posted October 14, 2011 Old, and just stretches a bunch of already unfunny cliches, something like this has the potential to be good but is just dump. If anything moan more about the fact they say "I could care less" instead of "I couldn't care less", that I have time for. The song or leazes? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Fish 10659 Posted October 14, 2011 Share Posted October 14, 2011 Old, and just stretches a bunch of already unfunny cliches, something like this has the potential to be good but is just dump. If anything moan more about the fact they say "I could care less" instead of "I couldn't care less", that I have time for. The song or leazes? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ayatollah Hermione 13760 Posted October 14, 2011 Share Posted October 14, 2011 Our national anthem should be War Pigs Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kevin 1 Posted October 15, 2011 Share Posted October 15, 2011 Old, and just stretches a bunch of already unfunny cliches, something like this has the potential to be good but is just dump. If anything moan more about the fact they say "I could care less" instead of "I couldn't care less", that I have time for. The song or leazes? Yeah, goooooooood save the queen, britannia, britannia rule the world, blah blah blah blah etc. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Fish 10659 Posted October 15, 2011 Share Posted October 15, 2011 Old, and just stretches a bunch of already unfunny cliches, something like this has the potential to be good but is just dump. If anything moan more about the fact they say "I could care less" instead of "I couldn't care less", that I have time for. The song or leazes? Yeah, goooooooood save the queen, britannia, britannia rule the world, blah blah blah blah etc. Silly jealous paddy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ewerk 30159 Posted October 15, 2011 Share Posted October 15, 2011 Kevin's country's national anthem is also God Save the Queen. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Billy Castell 0 Posted October 15, 2011 Share Posted October 15, 2011 Fuck the Queen. Fuck her up her dusty ancient arse and fuck the monarchy as an institution. Sell them off to the Americans, they love them despite the war of independence. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kitman 2204 Posted October 15, 2011 Share Posted October 15, 2011 Regardless of a persons stance on the monarchy, god save the queen has to be one of the most boring national anthems going. It is basically a dirge, devoid of a decent tune or any emotion other than crushing boredom. We'd be better off with something from the Beatles or the Stones, or maybe a bit of led zep. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CleeToonFan 1 Posted October 15, 2011 Share Posted October 15, 2011 ANNDD DIIDDD THOSSEEE FEEEEEETTTT, IN ANCIIEENNT TIMEEES, WALK UPON ENGGGLANDS MOUNTAINS GREEEEN. Now that I can sing along to Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
manc-mag 1 Posted October 15, 2011 Share Posted October 15, 2011 Regardless of a persons stance on the monarchy, god save the queen has to be one of the most boring national anthems going. It is basically a dirge, devoid of a decent tune or any emotion other than crushing boredom. We'd be better off with something from the Beatles or the Stones, or maybe a bit of led zep. It's a very good point though, you want a right chest beater for an anthem imo. Contrast GSTQ to the Welsh anthem-not a rugby fan to speak of but when you hear them belt that out it pisses on anyone elses for me. France's is class too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CleeToonFan 1 Posted October 15, 2011 Share Posted October 15, 2011 Regardless of a persons stance on the monarchy, god save the queen has to be one of the most boring national anthems going. It is basically a dirge, devoid of a decent tune or any emotion other than crushing boredom. We'd be better off with something from the Beatles or the Stones, or maybe a bit of led zep. It's a very good point though, you want a right chest beater for an anthem imo. Contrast GSTQ to the Welsh anthem-not a rugby fan to speak of but when you hear them belt that out it pisses on anyone elses for me. France's is class too. Ones like Canada's, France's and Russia's are the best imo. I've never been able to see Canada sing it at a major tournament or any sporting event like, but I can imagine it'd be a brilliant one, USA's too. There's a different class, and England and Spain just lag behind completely. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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