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Rancid turds

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OK admission time !

 

I've been an a rather extreme diet over the last few months, before xmas I was 15st 5, and decided enough was enough, since then I have been on a diet of almost exclusively baked beans and wholemeal pitta bread and to put it mildly it has created havoc with my arse.

 

So much so, last month I was playing in a works indoor football match and close to the final whistle I felt the need to fart, well, I thought it was a fart, but unfortunately, I "touched cloth", I thought I could sit back in defence for the final few minutes of the match mince around the pitch until I made my move to the gents to "tidy my arse", but to my horror the stench cleared the pitch !

 

Since then I have been producing "rusty water" at an alarming rate, my 15st 5 has plummeted to 13st 2, I thinking I might be able to compete with Dr Gillian McKeith, so I'm currently writing to Channel 4 with my concept for my TV show Jimbo: you are what you shite !

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I have rang them about some odd stuff in my time...

 

Imagine the answer to the questions

 

 

can you walk ? sort of

 

are you in danger ? Only if it comes back for seconds

 

Where are you now ? Lying on the floor nursing tattered arse with a bag of peas

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haha Spinach and Chorizo!

 

Parss the facking salt and pepper, Rupert!

110909[/snapback]

:lol: Was in Jesmond Tesco the other week, fuck me, that place is full of wankers (yes Geordiefish, that's student I'm referring to ;) ). Anyway, this one proper yah lass was talking about double the necessary volume on her mobile when she turned around and said to her mate "Facking hell! They've ran out of polenta!" FFS! ;)

110912[/snapback]

 

 

...cock off you old bastid :blush:

 

although to be fair I've been known to buy the odd jar of Pesto... and maybe some proper cheese from the market, instead of the vacuum packed crap from the supermarkets..

 

.. buying meat from a proper butchers is still ok though right?... or is this another social faux pas

 

 

like perhaps saying faux pas?

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I have rang them about some odd stuff in my time...

 

Imagine the answer to the questions

 

 

can you walk ?    sort of

 

are you in danger ?    Only if it comes back for seconds

 

Where are you now ?  Lying on the floor nursing tattered arse with a bag of peas

114444[/snapback]

Hartlepudlian as well... good man :lol:

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OK admission time !

 

I've been an a rather extreme diet over the last few months, before xmas I was 15st 5, and decided enough was enough, since then I have been on a diet of almost exclusively baked beans and wholemeal pitta bread and to put it mildly it has created havoc with my arse.

 

So much so, last month I was playing in a works indoor football match and close to the final whistle I felt the need to fart, well, I thought it was a fart, but unfortunately, I "touched cloth", I thought I could sit back in defence for the final few minutes of the match mince around the pitch until I made my move to the gents to "tidy my arse", but to my horror the stench cleared the pitch !

 

Since then I have been producing "rusty water" at an alarming rate, my 15st 5 has plummeted to 13st 2, I thinking I might be able to compete with Dr Gillian McKeith, so I'm currently writing to Channel 4 with my concept for my TV show Jimbo: you are what you shite !

114439[/snapback]

 

I would take that idea and market it as the shit yourself to death diet plan

 

the stars would love it

 

"you look thin opra"

 

"thanks, Im shitting water ten times a day and its working wonders"

 

"did you just fart"

 

*shuffles off

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I have rang them about some odd stuff in my time...

 

Imagine the answer to the questions

 

 

can you walk ?    sort of

 

are you in danger ?    Only if it comes back for seconds

 

Where are you now ?  Lying on the floor nursing tattered arse with a bag of peas

114444[/snapback]

Hartlepudlian as well... good man :lol:

114450[/snapback]

 

 

yep, avoid new seasons jumbo fried rice, unless you like shitting your back

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I have rang them about some odd stuff in my time...

 

Imagine the answer to the questions

 

 

can you walk ?     sort of

 

are you in danger ?    Only if it comes back for seconds

 

Where are you now ?   Lying on the floor nursing tattered arse with a bag of peas

114444[/snapback]

Hartlepudlian as well... good man ;)

114450[/snapback]

 

 

yep, avoid new seasons jumbo fried rice, unless you like shitting your back

114457[/snapback]

:lol: Wherebouts is that i'll have to cross it off me list next time i go home?

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elwick road, you get a fortune cookie with each meal.

 

Mine said a surprise is coming your way

 

 

not fucking arf right that

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elwick road, you get a fortune cookie with each meal.

 

Mine said a surprise is coming your way

 

 

not fucking arf right that

114466[/snapback]

:lol:;):blush:

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Thanks for laughing at my pain

 

114435[/snapback]

 

You think that was painful? Surely this must have been painful..

 

http://deltahouse.f2s.com/pics/Funny/large%20shit!.jpg

114441[/snapback]

 

Im still wary at the severe lack of paper down that bog :lol:

114467[/snapback]

 

I think he would have just teased the gaping rim with a bog brush then fucked off tbh

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A few years ago when I worked on the wards I was looking after a patient who was having serious problems going to the loo. He was a double-amputee so when he wanted a shit we used to have to help him onto a bedpan, leave him for a bit and then go back when he'd finished. Anyway, this one day he'd asked for a bedpan, so two of us went in, helped him to get onto it in bed and then left him to do what he had to do - although we weren't that convinced as he'd not opened his bowels for what seemed like weeks. Not too long after we heard him shouting "Nurse, NURSE!! QUICK!!" Fearing he'd lost his balance, toppled off the pan and hurtled head first onto the floor, we flew back behind the curtains to hear him shouting "I need another bedpan!" I swear to God - I have NEVER seen a shit like it in my life. The bedpan was full and it was completely solid like a litre tub of chocolate ice-cream. We duly provided a second bed pan which he filled and then declared "Phew - that's better!"

 

:lol:

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A few years ago when I worked on the wards I was looking after a patient who was having serious problems going to the loo.  He was a double-amputee so when he wanted a shit we used to have to help him onto a bedpan, leave him for a bit and then go back when he'd finished.  Anyway, this one day he'd asked for a bedpan, so two of us went in, helped him to get onto it in bed and then left him to do what he had to do - although we weren't that convinced as he'd not opened his bowels for what seemed like weeks.  Not too long after we heard him shouting "Nurse, NURSE!!  QUICK!!"  Fearing he'd lost his balance, toppled off the pan and hurtled head first onto the floor, we flew back behind the curtains to hear him shouting "I need another bedpan!"  I swear to God - I have NEVER seen a shit like it in my life.  The bedpan was full and it was completely solid like a litre tub of chocolate ice-cream.  We duly provided a second bed pan which he filled and then declared "Phew - that's better!"

 

:lol:

114483[/snapback]

Ah your job satisfaction must be brillant ;)

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Remember once me best mate was staying round for the night and he needed to go real bad, unfortunately he didn't make it in time and so he was running along like Charlie Chaplain :lol:

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A few years ago when I worked on the wards I was looking after a patient who was having serious problems going to the loo.  He was a double-amputee so when he wanted a shit we used to have to help him onto a bedpan, leave him for a bit and then go back when he'd finished.  Anyway, this one day he'd asked for a bedpan, so two of us went in, helped him to get onto it in bed and then left him to do what he had to do - although we weren't that convinced as he'd not opened his bowels for what seemed like weeks.  Not too long after we heard him shouting "Nurse, NURSE!!  QUICK!!"  Fearing he'd lost his balance, toppled off the pan and hurtled head first onto the floor, we flew back behind the curtains to hear him shouting "I need another bedpan!"  I swear to God - I have NEVER seen a shit like it in my life.  The bedpan was full and it was completely solid like a litre tub of chocolate ice-cream.  We duly provided a second bed pan which he filled and then declared "Phew - that's better!"

 

:lol:

114483[/snapback]

 

Fuck me, he must have lost more weight than Jimbo in one sitting!! ;)

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Remember once me best mate was staying round for the night and he needed to go real bad, unfortunately he didn't make it in time and so he was running along like Charlie Chaplain  :lol:

114491[/snapback]

;)

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A few years ago when I worked on the wards I was looking after a patient who was having serious problems going to the loo.  He was a double-amputee so when he wanted a shit we used to have to help him onto a bedpan, leave him for a bit and then go back when he'd finished.  Anyway, this one day he'd asked for a bedpan, so two of us went in, helped him to get onto it in bed and then left him to do what he had to do - although we weren't that convinced as he'd not opened his bowels for what seemed like weeks.  Not too long after we heard him shouting "Nurse, NURSE!!  QUICK!!"  Fearing he'd lost his balance, toppled off the pan and hurtled head first onto the floor, we flew back behind the curtains to hear him shouting "I need another bedpan!"  I swear to God - I have NEVER seen a shit like it in my life.  The bedpan was full and it was completely solid like a litre tub of chocolate ice-cream.  We duly provided a second bed pan which he filled and then declared "Phew - that's better!"

 

:lol:

114483[/snapback]

 

Fuck me, he must have lost more weight than Jimbo in one sitting!! ;)

114492[/snapback]

 

 

Trust me, when I "let loose" its like a scene of a crashed milkfloat !

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still say that nothing beats eating a kilo of live culture yoghurt, 2 hours later and its a guaranteed collonic irrigation, black treacly shit for hours on end.

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I doubt even you'd fill two bed pans though.... (and compacted turds at that!)

114496[/snapback]

 

 

Maybe if I waited 20 minutes between wanks.....

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Ah after a night out when i've had me usual consignment of Guiness you don't half get the blackest shits ever the next day, sometimes with a nice white head on the top :lol:

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I doubt even you'd fill two bed pans though.... (and compacted turds at that!)

114496[/snapback]

 

 

Maybe if I waited 20 minutes between wanks.....

114498[/snapback]

 

:lol:

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