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Rancid turds

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Jesus Christ. I had some spinich and chorizo lasagne at a family do and my arse has not been the same since. I pebble-dashed my aunties bog, then did worse again at home and even worse at work this morning.

 

Spinich and Chorizo - it's not arse friendly.

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Had a kebab on Saturday night that has decided to play war with my stomach. I spent most of yesterday with my head in the toilet, today my arse has been glued to it.

 

Not nice :)

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Had a kebab on Saturday night that has decided to play war with my stomach. I spent most of yesterday with my head in the toilet, today my arse has been glued to it.

 

Not nice :)

110880[/snapback]

 

I've never ever had a kebab, even from 13 - 17 when I went to the Bigg Market on a Friday night I never was tempted by them.

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Had a few doners in my teenage years but I haven't had one in a decade I reckon. Filthy things! Chicken kebabs on the other hand.....

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Had a kebab on Saturday night that has decided to play war with my stomach. I spent most of yesterday with my head in the toilet, today my arse has been glued to it.

 

Not nice :)

110880[/snapback]

 

I've never ever had a kebab, even from 13 - 17 when I went to the Bigg Market on a Friday night I never was tempted by them.

110885[/snapback]

 

I've lived off them for the past year or so but this latest episode has put me off them for good.

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Guest alex
haha Spinach and Chorizo!

 

Parss the facking salt and pepper, Rupert!

110909[/snapback]

:) Was in Jesmond Tesco the other week, fuck me, that place is full of wankers (yes Geordiefish, that's student I'm referring to :unsure: ). Anyway, this one proper yah lass was talking about double the necessary volume on her mobile when she turned around and said to her mate "Facking hell! They've ran out of polenta!" FFS! :)

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haha Spinach and Chorizo!

 

Parss the facking salt and pepper, Rupert!

110909[/snapback]

:) Was in Jesmond Tesco the other week, fuck me, that place is full of wankers (yes Geordiefish, that's student I'm referring to ;) ). Anyway, this one proper yah lass was talking about double the necessary volume on her mobile when she turned around and said to her mate "Facking hell! They've ran out of polenta!" FFS! :)

110912[/snapback]

 

I used to have to shop in there when I lived in Jesmoooond (frightfully porsh) a few years back, and it's horrendous. Full of knobbers in rugby shirts with floppy hair blocking up the aisles while they chat with one another, or lasses giving air kisses and hugs to someone that they were probably sat in a lecture with earlier on in the day. The JRA should do something about it! :unsure:

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Some sick bastard at work has tried to re-inact that dambusters raid - there was shit all up the rim of the bog and water everywhere!

 

And half a fucking bog roll used! If you need that much paper to clean your arse either your Mam never showed you how to be clean or you've got a serious fucking problem!

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haha Spinach and Chorizo!

 

Parss the facking salt and pepper, Rupert!

110909[/snapback]

 

As Wacky will confirm I was born into a silver spoon family, I lived in the upper class suburb of Gosforth during my childhood and was only fed the finest cuisine.

 

However, these days I am the black sheep of the family, I am the only one with a Geordie accent and if my family knew I was associating with the likes of Byker Wall's finest (Wacky) they'd be well pissed orf!

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haha Spinach and Chorizo!

 

Parss the facking salt and pepper, Rupert!

110909[/snapback]

 

As Wacky will confirm I was born into a silver spoon family, I lived in the upper class suburb of Gosforth during my childhood and was only fed the finest cuisine.

 

However, these days I am the black sheep of the family, I am the only one with a Geordie accent and if my family knew I was associating with the likes of Byker Wall's finest (Wacky) they'd be well pissed orf!

110943[/snapback]

 

 

Eventually found your level in life tbh after years of denial :)

 

Speaking of turds, mine have resembled a crimson coloured natural sponge of late, not good.

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Last weekend me mate come round and we decided to have a takeaway before hitting the pub and town centre.

 

Anyway, I went for the jumbo fried rice....bad mistake.

 

went out and got well and truly smashed till 7 am and collapsed on my bed.

 

11 am I was woken up by pains in my stomach, ffuck me did it hurt. I realised that a high pressure sudden release type shite was imminent and as i ran to the shitter I felt somethi9ng trickle down my leg....

 

 

I whupped me duds off and landed on the pot at exactly the right moment, me arsehole exploded, and I dont mean i had a shit, i really think me arsehole explded, the noise was fucking terrifying and the shit was like dead rat chunks in gravy, nicely watered down.

 

I realised it was a bad un because when it was over i leaned forward to take a second and realised my arse had dribbled watery shite down my leg as I ran.

 

So I gave meself a minute, wiped me arse, and what felt like halfway up me back before getting up slowly and turning to view the masterpiece.

 

No Joke, the shit had gone up the wall to the left of the shitter and was running down.

 

I thought fuck it and went back to bed.

 

I went for a piss later that night and when I lifted the lid realised that the underneath of it was covered in watery shite with the odd chunk added in for texture, the wall had a few nice lines running down it that i had to wipe off.

 

to this day I cant remember a shite as nasty in my life, everytime my farts get hot I get the fear, and the toilet whimpers as I walk in.

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Last weekend me mate come round and we decided to have a takeaway before hitting the pub and town centre.

 

Anyway, I went for the jumbo fried rice....bad mistake.

 

went out and got well and truly smashed till 7 am and collapsed on my bed.

 

11 am I was woken up by pains in my stomach, ffuck me did it hurt.  I realised that a high pressure sudden release type shite was imminent and as i ran to the shitter I felt somethi9ng trickle down my leg....

 

 

I whupped me duds off and landed on the pot at exactly the right moment, me arsehole exploded, and I dont mean i had a shit, i really think me arsehole explded, the noise was fucking terrifying and the shit was like dead rat chunks in gravy, nicely watered down.

 

I realised it was a bad un because when it was over i leaned forward to take a second and realised my arse had dribbled watery shite down my leg as I ran.

 

So I gave meself a minute, wiped me arse, and what felt like halfway up me back before getting up slowly and turning to view the masterpiece.

 

No Joke, the shit had gone up the wall to the left of the shitter and was running down.

 

I thought fuck it and went back to bed.

 

I went for a piss later that night and when I lifted the lid realised that the underneath of it was covered in watery shite with the odd chunk added in for texture, the wall had a few nice lines running down it that i had to wipe off.

 

to this day I cant remember a shite as nasty in my life, everytime my farts get hot I get the fear, and the toilet whimpers as I walk in.

114421[/snapback]

 

:lol:;):blush:;)

 

I doubt anyone could beat that story!!!!!!!!!! :blush::boogie:

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Last weekend me mate come round and we decided to have a takeaway before hitting the pub and town centre.

 

Anyway, I went for the jumbo fried rice....bad mistake.

 

went out and got well and truly smashed till 7 am and collapsed on my bed.

 

11 am I was woken up by pains in my stomach, ffuck me did it hurt.  I realised that a high pressure sudden release type shite was imminent and as i ran to the shitter I felt somethi9ng trickle down my leg....

 

 

I whupped me duds off and landed on the pot at exactly the right moment, me arsehole exploded, and I dont mean i had a shit, i really think me arsehole explded, the noise was fucking terrifying and the shit was like dead rat chunks in gravy, nicely watered down.

 

I realised it was a bad un because when it was over i leaned forward to take a second and realised my arse had dribbled watery shite down my leg as I ran.

 

So I gave meself a minute, wiped me arse, and what felt like halfway up me back before getting up slowly and turning to view the masterpiece.

 

No Joke, the shit had gone up the wall to the left of the shitter and was running down.

 

I thought fuck it and went back to bed.

 

I went for a piss later that night and when I lifted the lid realised that the underneath of it was covered in watery shite with the odd chunk added in for texture, the wall had a few nice lines running down it that i had to wipe off.

 

to this day I cant remember a shite as nasty in my life, everytime my farts get hot I get the fear, and the toilet whimpers as I walk in.

114421[/snapback]

:lol:

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Thanks for laughing at my pain

 

I was a little worried but couldnt quite bring myself to phone nhs direct and ask if a shite powerful enough to come back out of a shitter was hazardous to your health........or innards.

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Thanks for laughing at my pain

 

I was a little worried but couldnt quite bring myself to phone nhs direct and ask if a shite powerful enough to come back out of a shitter was hazardous to your health........or innards.

114435[/snapback]

 

Ohhh to have been the nurse that answered that call!! :lol:

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