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Lazarus

Ive just had to have a dump in my garage !

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:D

 

Swear to god. Am waiting for my sister to finish so i can have a shower

 

Theres only one lavvy in this hoose and its currently occupied by my sister who is taking a bath

 

I could feel the turtles head trying to poke out and each time i 'sucked' the fucker back in.

 

It was a colossol battle that raged for all of 2 minutes until i submitted to nature and started collecting the tools of the job.

 

i got meself one roll of 'kitchen roll', in blue, and a morrisions plastic bag and into the garage i went. (our bog roll is kept solely in the bathroom cupboard).

 

so, in the freezing cold i laid out the kitchen roll......

 

SHES OOT - AM AWAY IN THE SHOWER !

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Thats better.

 

i think ive got the squits off the chinese i had earlier.

 

So i laid oot 3 bits of kitchen roll on a patch of carpet we have on the garage floor. 2 bits in a vertical side by side arrangement and a further 3rd bit at the bottom placed horozontally. i thought this intricate lattice like arranegment would help stop (and absorb) any 'stray' fecal matter that might shoot out at a funny angle.

 

i must say that the blue kitchen roll contrasted sharply with the 'mellow yellow' theme of the carpet. that llewellyn bowen dude would have had a stroke at my color scheme i'm sure.

 

i proceeded to kick off the old boxers and squat. then a strange thing happened, i started sweating, profusely.

 

whilst in the act of shitting, then realised there was no way i was gonna be able to wipe with a bit of kitchen roll the size of an a3 bit of paper. think about it - its bloody huge.

 

Has anyone tried cutting kitchen roll into 'toilet roll wipe sized bits' using just their (sweaty) hands? its impossible. i would have paid good money for a set square or a ruler at that moment. anyone who can do this should get an instant knighthood tbh .

 

after taking a moment to silently congratulate myself with the impressive mound of light brown kack that had appeared beneath me i then set about the task of wiping my jacksie.

 

Still in the squatting position it was quite easy - not that different to wiping whilst sitting on a toilet actually. however the rough texture of the kitchen roll felt like i was wiping my badge with industrial grade sand paper.

 

it was also at this point that my legs began to ache. i assume this is because my body isnt used to the squatting position and it became most uncomfortable.

 

i soon had a big pile of used tissue beneath me and carefully scooped it all up with the untouched corners of improvised mat and into a big smelly bundle.

 

the bundle was placed into the wheelie bin, my boxers were recovered and put on over my jelly like legs and all was well with the world again.

 

Ive just instructed me mother to have a downstairs shitter put in so that i can have kack like a decent human being if the bathroom is otherwise engaged.

 

:D

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jesus christ laz!! why the hell do you have a carpet in ya garage?

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jesus christ laz!! why the hell do you have a carpet in ya garage?

132676[/snapback]

 

 

we have a chest freezer and stuff in there - it stops your feet getting cold man.

 

its not fitted or anything :D

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Do you sell counterfeit jeans in it?

132683[/snapback]

 

No but i can do you a bag full of kack for a reasonable price

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jesus christ laz!! why the hell do you have a carpet in ya garage?

132676[/snapback]

 

 

we have a chest freezer and stuff in there - it stops your feet getting cold man.

 

its not fitted or anything :quotes:

132679[/snapback]

 

I wouldn't risk walking anywhere in your house with bare feet.

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thank you so much for sharing that with us in such graphic detail :quotes:

132994[/snapback]

You read the thread title and still chose to read on :quotes:

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thank you so much for sharing that with us in such graphic detail :rolleyes:

132994[/snapback]

You read the thread title and still chose to read on ;)

133052[/snapback]

 

err yes....with amazement :quotes:;)

 

 

 

 

and also because im afraid it all sounded so horribly familiar to me. Hubby once did the same thing when he was working in his garage which is in the middle of nowhere and he didnt have the key to the toilet ;):rolleyes: Only as far as i know, he put a black bin liner in a bucket and perched on that to do the dirty deed :razz: but like he so cheerfully told me later, it was either that or shit his pants :quotes:

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thank you so much for sharing that with us in such graphic detail :rolleyes:

132994[/snapback]

You read the thread title and still chose to read on ;)

133052[/snapback]

 

err yes....with amazement :quotes:;)

 

 

 

 

and also because im afraid it all sounded so horribly familiar to me. Hubby once did the same thing when he was working in his garage which is in the middle of nowhere and he didnt have the key to the toilet :razz::rolleyes: Only as far as i know, he put a black bin liner in a bucket and perched on that to do the dirty deed :rolleyes: but like he so cheerfully told me later, it was either that or shit his pants :quotes:

133080[/snapback]

 

 

 

Of all the people to lower the tone of the board by talking of toilet habits, i never thought it would be YOU toonraider. ;)

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thank you so much for sharing that with us in such graphic detail :o

132994[/snapback]

You read the thread title and still chose to read on ;)

133052[/snapback]

 

err yes....with amazement :quotes::razz:

 

 

 

 

and also because im afraid it all sounded so horribly familiar to me. Hubby once did the same thing when he was working in his garage which is in the middle of nowhere and he didnt have the key to the toilet :rolleyes::rolleyes: Only as far as i know, he put a black bin liner in a bucket and perched on that to do the dirty deed :rolleyes: but like he so cheerfully told me later, it was either that or shit his pants :quotes:

133080[/snapback]

 

 

 

Of all the people to lower the tone of the board by talking of toilet habits, i never thought it would be YOU toonraider. :rolleyes:

133159[/snapback]

 

i'm a perfect lady when it comes to toilet habits ;)

 

Have you ever thought of purchasing a porto potty? ;)

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thank you so much for sharing that with us in such graphic detail :rolleyes:

132994[/snapback]

You read the thread title and still chose to read on ;)

133052[/snapback]

 

err yes....with amazement :quotes:;)

 

 

 

 

and also because im afraid it all sounded so horribly familiar to me. Hubby once did the same thing when he was working in his garage which is in the middle of nowhere and he didnt have the key to the toilet ;):rolleyes: Only as far as i know, he put a black bin liner in a bucket and perched on that to do the dirty deed :razz: but like he so cheerfully told me later, it was either that or shit his pants :quotes:

133080[/snapback]

 

When I was a festival regular I'd always but a bin liner in a bucket or box and take a dump in my tent (and dispose of it immediately, not leave it in the corner). Far more hygenic than using the public lavs :rolleyes:

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thank you so much for sharing that with us in such graphic detail :rolleyes:

132994[/snapback]

You read the thread title and still chose to read on ;)

133052[/snapback]

 

err yes....with amazement :quotes:;)

 

 

 

 

and also because im afraid it all sounded so horribly familiar to me. Hubby once did the same thing when he was working in his garage which is in the middle of nowhere and he didnt have the key to the toilet ;):rolleyes: Only as far as i know, he put a black bin liner in a bucket and perched on that to do the dirty deed :razz: but like he so cheerfully told me later, it was either that or shit his pants :quotes:

133080[/snapback]

 

When I was a festival regular I'd always but a bin liner in a bucket or box and take a dump in my tent (and dispose of it immediately, not leave it in the corner). Far more hygenic than using the public lavs :rolleyes:

133563[/snapback]

 

i bet it was!

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