Wardi

I live round the corner from Humphrey's modest estate. Most of his pubs are shut because he struggles to find anyone willing to run them for him. His reputation has clearly spread among landlords. There are properties of his in the town that are empty, boarded up, roof falling in, pubs either closed or in need of a lick of paint. He would have all the roads in he town cobbled if he could. The town will never progress until his demise happens. Only blessing is that their beer & lager is around £3 a pint locally, quite a pleasant drink if it's looked after by the landlord. Another example of his mean spiritedness.. about 6m from me there's a beautiful stately home called Nun Appleton Hall. Humphrey bought it in the 80's, he wanted to make changes to it but couldn't due to it being a listed building. He eventually fenced it off in the early 90's and closed it to the public because he couldn't get his own way. It's my toy and no-one else can play with it.

I'm enjoying these fish puns so much that I am considering trawling for more.

In the latest business news it has been revealed that Crufts are in severe financial difficulty. A spokesman for the organisation said it has got so bad they may have to call in the official Retriever.

'Doctor Doctor, I need some sleeping pills for my mother in law.' Doctor.. 'oh dear, has she got insomnia?'' 'No, she's just woken up.'

I've just been offered the position of triangle player in a reggae orchestra. It's quite simple really, you just stand at the back and ting.

Toney just charged with 232 betting offences. Possibly the final nail in his squad inclusion?

According to my hometown litter pick group, carelessly discarded Monster cans come a close second only to Red Bull cans - both commonly found in gutters, hedge bottoms, bus shelters, grass verges etc. More power to brand awareness!

Nile Ranger on as sub for Borehamwood in their shock victory at Bournemouth tonight. I really thought he had run out of chances!

I understand his excellency Yasir Al-Rumayyan will be taken to the Strawberry in his stretch limo to enjoy his favourite Martini cocktail - sheik-en not stirred obviously. He will then be escorted on a fishing trip to the northern reaches of the Tyne - that ensures that he can inform his superior back home that he has 'Bin-Salman' fishing. Yasir has a very Sunni disposition and I don't think he will Mecca mess of this takeover. Remember this all started when Amanda & Ashley went for a curry in Hampstead in 2017. After much argy-bhaji the consortium decided to tikka chance and the deal is done which should get us out of our current pickle. The mackems are naan too impressed I fear. Football's cumin home. Yours, the Paperback Raita.

Blimey even Boris is sticking up for us.. https://www.skysports.com/football/news/11678/12045046/newcastle-boris-johnson-backs-calls-for-premier-league-statement-on-failed-takeover

A geordie lad goes to the Doctor with a Newcastle Brown bottle sticking out of his foot. 'Nothing to worry about' said the Doctor .. 'it's just an ingrowing Toon Ale'.

Q: What's the difference between the Sheiks of Dubai and the Sheiks of Abu Dhabi? A: The Sheiks of Dubai don't like the Flinstones, ..but the Sheiks of Abu Dhabi do.

The Daily Mail story about the curry meeting shows Ashley wearing a crisp white shirt. Poor choice of shirt colour for a curry IMHO, schoolboy error in fact.

The Undertaker was one of my NUFC 'pals' group in the late 70's to late 80's. I'm an old git now (56) but does anyone know if any of the other guys are about?.. Hoss from Durham, Muzz from Prudhoe, Big Mick & Big Anth from Darlington, Davey, a dumb lad we nicknamed 'The Silent Menace', Mal Clark from Leeds & John Carry from York. No doubt others that I can't remember. John was a lovely bloke and part of a great set of fun loving lads who always had a load of laughs pre & post home games and on the train to away matches. On one memorable occasion he organised us into groups of 4 at Kings Cross station to go to a pre-arranged bar. As all the taxis pulled out the daft bugger hadn't included himself and was still standing there on his own! Tough luck John, wrong place at wrong time syndrome; you're going to miss a lot of matches now which is a real pisser. See you in heaven when my turn comes - and I bet you're still wearing that bloody suit. RIP mate and thanks for the good times.