Ayatollah Hermione

Dreamland would be Durham Police releasing CCTV of him rubbing one off in Barnard Castle.

“Reasonable” has lost all meaning

Aye, the slimy arrogance of it all is infuriating.

I love the idea that his car didn’t need petrol on a 500-mile round trip with a 90 minute excursion in the middle of it

“I’m 95% sure that I stopped”

How is driving the first thing you’d do to test your eyesight? Whip out an eye chart on Google or something

Just drawing squares in the margins to make it appear like he’s writing something.

Here we go

“I could have stayed in an isolated cottage but I didn’t want to”

Unbelievable and now he’s on about his kid needing a dynamite again

Hope the final boss of this press scrum is 1990s Jeremy Paxman stepping out of a tardis to dish out the fatality

It’s the pesky media’s fault. They’re to blame for reporting me being a cunt when I was being a cunt

Fuck me, he won’t apologise for it Your selected journos are giving you every hint that you need to say it, you thick fucker.

Mad how these cunts develop a stutter when spouting complete bullshit.

Asking people in a set order, fucking hell

It’s a common tactic when people are interrogated. They think adding little details help the story but it just exposes it further because there’s more chance for inconsistencies. You never seen The Wire?!

Fucking hell, he’s telling us about having a shit in the woods now. Liars love putting in pointless details like this

If people can’t see through this for the bollocks it is, then they want their head read. He sounds about as believable as me when I pretend I’m actually excited about going to the match

“I was simply heading to my father’s farm to isolate in one of the 4 houses on the property. I’m sure you can all relate to that”

Is that noise a ploy to distract from people picking apart his statement?

I like this soundtrack that sounds a bit like the noise that is ringing through Johnson’s head on a daily basis.

Flid Collins.

Has this social club Phil Collins lookalike not said his bit yet?

That daft cow will probably say it was Ron Weasley

Having said this, he reckons it was a blood test so he might have had it and recovered? I’ll take the two weeks off again, like