acrossthepond

Man, Whelan loves the sound of his own voice. He just can't get enough of running to SSN and telling them all about how Martinez is off to Liverpool and it's a poisoned chalice, etc etc etc.

"payasodemierda" means Shit Clown in Spanish. I'm sure the name was chosen ironically but it about sums him up.

Have to admit I was expecting this, so I'm not too disappointed. We didn't disgrace ourselves. I might've left Ben Arfa on as he was causing trouble but Shola made a good impact. The worst part about this match was having to listen to Niall Quinn taking every opportunity to have a go, then when someone obviously whispered to him that he's got to give the appearance of being neutral, he started damning with faint praise. Mackem wanker. Come on Villa?

Hope Mikel gets done for violent conduct or whatever retroactive ban they can hoy on him, since that was filthy as fuck. Not that it made even an iota of difference, they could've had 3 keepers and that strike would've gone in. It's still travelling! GET IN! He meant every inch of that! What a player, what a season!

Don't care for this season's shirt; this one would be much better if not for those spikes. Ugh. Ugh is really not even the word. Who the fuck thinks that looks good?

Obertan looks utter shite, but that's what we are all saying about Perch a year ago and he's come good. Marveaux has been pretty much what's on the tin: a talented crock. Hopefully he has a Ben Arfa-esque renaissance next season.

Allowing these crackpots in is supposed to be part of this much-vaunted "democracy." It obviously will never pass parliament, but this just exemplifies the kind of absolute nutters that Mubarak had been keeping at bay for 30 years. As much as I hate the fucker, I think Egypt is going to be paying for the January revolution for many years to come. Rough times ahead. Tantawi is a criminal, the lunatics are taking over the asylum, and thugs are in charge of the voting booths.

That was utter domination. Brilliant stuff. Everyone played their part. Isn't it fantastic to actually have something to play for at this time of the season? I feel we're good value for it too, Tottenham are in awful form and Chelsea are stretched thin.

Maybe Toontastic's local Ramadhan observer can help. You can't eat anything or drink anything, including water, while the sun's up. Obviously this will knacker you even if you aren't fasting on matchdays, which I understand is our Muslim players' policy. You also aren't meant to have sex (with yourself or others!) while the sun's up, or smoke, or swear, or generally do anything that gives you pleasure. It's like Lent. You're supposed to give it up to show your self-control. (That bit about not brushing your teeth is fundy crap, like. Ramadhan is all about intention. If you go to brush your teeth with the intention of letting liquid pass into your throat and breaking your fast that way, then you've done it. If you brush your teeth like a normal human being and you ingest some saliva/water/foam in the standard course of brushing, that doesn't invalidate the fast. This is pretty much common sense but sadly so many of our number fail to grasp the concept, hence the teeth-brushing/covering your mouth while outside in the rain/other extremist bullshit.) If I were a professional athlete, I wouldn't be fasting, and that's coming from someone who's quite devout. Religion isn't supposed to interfere with your livelihood. The livelihood of Ba, Cisse, Ben Arfa and Tiote depends on playing football, which fasting obviously impairs. There's provisions for making up fast days later on in the year, so if I were any of our Muslim lads I'd put off Ramadhan until the close season and give a bit more of my exorbitant salary to charity if I felt guilty about it.

Fucking hell man.

I've seen Pardiola thrown about a couple of times on here tbf. Tongue in check, no doubt.

Fish's link? Urgh... Didn't click it. Guessing I don't want to know.

Canny that. Could watch it all day.

What do you even say after a goal of that quality? It only takes a moment of magic and HBA has it in droves. Brilliant stuff, I could watch it all day. Apparently not as good as Sessegnon though. Crisp finish from Cisse too after super-sub Shola (who really seems to have warmed to that role, he always works hard when he comes on.) The only worry is, of course, Ba. I hope it was just a bit of petulance and frustration at having a bad game.

Hopefully Pardew gives them a bit of a kick up the arse and we go out looking hungry. That was a forgettable 45 minutes. Can't really single anyone out for being poor, more of a general team malaise.

Brilliant stuff. We didn't get sucked into the trap as I feared but held our own admirably. Well played to Pardew and all the players, not a hider amomgst them today (except maybe Gosling.) Santon in particular had a great 2nd half. Not getting carried away. I will be over the moon with what now seems an incredibly likely Europa League place.

Aye, it's all very well to say we're winning and so they can have as much possession as they like, and I know we're probably trying to conserve energy because madly chasing after the ball is exactly what Swansea want us to do, but I think we'll see a much more open second half.

Maybe they should question whether Carroll was 'for real' when he opted to take a pathetic tumble rather than go round Krul and pass into an empty net.

What handball, like? When Simpson was on the line? That was shoulder for me all day. It isn't even mentioned in the BBC match report. Sky desperately clinging to any sort of excuse for their beloved Liverpool. "Top 7" becomes "Top 8."

This has been the most fun watching a football match I've had since I don't know when. Probably the 5-1. Happy April Fools Liverpool!

This is going to be a mad one. Can't shake the feeling we're going to lose, but hell, even if we do, we're still 5 points ahead and the season is looking great. Howay the lads!

Three attacks of absolute magic, the rest of it was mostly dreadful hoofball dirge. Perch has done alright, fair play to him. Hoping Colo is OK, that will be pivotal to our season.

Is Santon hurt? Perch has done something of a job as a DM so far this season but we all know he's a walking disaster at fullback.

Excellent news. I had a feeling Colo was heading for the exit door in the summer to excuses of 'well he wanted to sign and we wanted him to as well, but he wasn't prepared to accept our terms, he doesn't fit our wage model anyway, all of the fee will be reinvested in the team', etc etc etc. Very happy to see that won't be the case.

Samba and Arshavin have both buggered off on the last day of the Russian transfer window. Samba to Anzhi, Arshavin to Zenit St Petersburg. No tears shed over either of them, I don't think, but I'm surprised we didn't see Tottenham/Chelsea/even Man U in for Samba in January. Class player.