Smooth Operator

No probs. It's a reet bastad when the batteries run out and you don't know what to do next for entertainment! (so I'm told) 78581[/snapback] Mine is mains adaptable..... 78820[/snapback] You got the rampant rabbit? Lass i used to be seeing used to stick it up the front while I hammered on the back door, a whole new dimension to the art of fucking i found! 78823[/snapback] To much for a general Chat forum tbh 78828[/snapback] Agreed...cease and desist immediately dirty boys !! 78830[/snapback] Mean the same thing tbh. Needlessly quoted together when lawyers used to get paid by the word. FACT! The fucking charlatans. PS the rabbit's not mains adaptable is it? 78843[/snapback] You still wondering why your electric bill has doubled since you bought yourself one for xmas?

You shower of prudish bastards!

No probs. It's a reet bastad when the batteries run out and you don't know what to do next for entertainment! (so I'm told) 78581[/snapback] Mine is mains adaptable..... 78820[/snapback] You got the rampant rabbit? Lass i used to be seeing used to stick it up the front while I hammered on the back door, a whole new dimension to the art of fucking i found!

Your joking aren't you? A lass at work said she had one, daft bint didn't say nowt about it costing that much like, first scan I went to with wor lass we got a few photos, told the lass we'd forgotten to get tokens and we'd get them on the way out, aye right.

I can and I do, as per the rancid shite thread!

Makes me fucking sick, then to top it all off there's cunt's like you sitting fucking around on forums all day whilst you should be working 78807[/snapback] I can multi task and delegate to the highest standard, hence my middle management position.

Craig Wallace! That's a fucking jock name man! 78806[/snapback] Exactly jocks posing as English, boils my piss!

And the immigrants, don't forget about them. 78803[/snapback] To fucking right Renton, used to be a time I processed Housing Benedit data for strictly English, wholesome names like John Smith and Craig Wallace. Now it's all Abdullah this and Mohammed that!

Well here at the DWP one of the managers is travelling to Sheffield on a Sunday to attend a meeting on a Monday, so that he can claim double time for the Sunday, then he'll have to be put up in a hotel overnight which he's allowed a budget of 90 quid a night with a meal allowance on top. Another group of managers are arranging a meeting in London, however as they are considered "junior managers" they have sweet talked the senior manager into coming (of which there is no need) which allows them all a first class upgrade! And to top it all we've got a state of the art video conferencing suite going unused! So being a middle manager myself I'm about to arrange a meeting in Amsterdam to discuss Housing Benefit with a few of the locals in a district they refer to as "red"!

Aye your right, on the occasion I take the paper to the bog, it's usually all over in 30 seconds as for as poo release goes, then it's just waiting for the odd straggly bit to drop and by then I'm already engrossed in Paris Hilton's latest night out or who John Terry cheated on his lass again with. So in all it's at least a 20 minute job, work don't seem to be too fussed, probably don't want to start a conversation about how long it takes me to move my bowels, cowards, i'd welcome such a discussion.

Did you know you can get 3D colour scan pictures now for a nominal fee? The wonders of technology, say hello to your mam from me.

A few years back me and the lads, about 16 of us rented a house in the lakes for a week, one of the bogs was clogged up and overflowed due to someone's terrible turds, although no one knew who the fuck it was the person responsible was referred to as the Phantom Shitter. This toilet was out of use for the majority of the week and then someone realised we might lose our deposit if we didn't fix it. So 16 of us stood round the shitter to try and fix it. After an hour of debate one lad stepped forward, rolled his sleeve up and tickled the offending turd out the u bend with his bare hands! Now obviously we came to the conclusion that if he was willing to do this it must have been his turd to begin with, he proclaimed not but for the few years following he was nicknamed "shitboy".

Can you tell the tramp that knocks about the entrance of Eldon Square by the Monument that Wacky misses her, he's lost without his mam, poor knacker!

Got one here mate. Albeit a bottle blonde like.

Aye you're best off indoors in Felling on a day off!

Top drawer, already alienated myself at work by telling them that one!

Was on work experience at Newburn Leisure Centre, one of the jobs was to check the changing rooms and toilets, I was on my rounds on my first day and spotted a rogue turd on the floor next to the bog. My first thought was why the fuck has someone put it there when the bog was within farting distance? So I headed back to my boss to report the turd on the loose. He told me there was a bucket in the cleaners room i could clean it up with. I said ther was no way on god's green earth I was going anywhere near it, and that i was here to see how a leisure centre was run not clean up turds. It went down like a shit sarnie as expected and when my teacher came to check my progress later that day I was relocated.

Woah there mate you're a bit eager, I said we could do the Monroe Transfer in the tunnel after the match but we've just kicked off ffs!

Not a caption but I has a similar experience a few years ago in my Sunday League, I was getting marked by a lad awaiting my team mate to swing the corner onto my nappa, and he proceeded to finger my arsehole! In pure shock I nutted him, was sent off and banned for 4 games and had a fine of 12 quid which i refused to pay. The league were within a week of chucking our team out the league for non payment before the bloke who ran the Social Club I played for paid it out of his own pocket.

Who gives a flying fuck tbh!

At least 345 Muslim pilgrims have been killed in a crush in the stone-throwing ritual during the Hajj pilgrimage in Saudi Arabia, officials say. Hundreds of people have also been wounded. A BBC correspondent at the scene in Mina saw dozens of bodies lined up on the ground. The ritual has been marred by deadly stampedes in the past. After a crush in 2004, the authorities built barriers and deployed thousands of stewards in a bid to improve safety. Bridge surge The stampede took place at the foot of the bridge of Jamarat, where pilgrims hurl stones at three pillars representing the spot where the devil is said to have appeared to Abraham. An interior ministry spokesman, Maj Gen Mansour al-Turki, told the Associated Press news agency that the stampede happened after pieces of luggage spilled from moving buses in front of one of the entrances to the bridge, causing pilgrims to trip. More than two million people were thought to be performing the rite at the time. Witness Abdullah Pulig, an Indian street-cleaner, described a scene of carnage. "I saw people moving and suddenly I heard crying, shouting, wailing. I looked around and people were piling on each other. They started pulling dead people from the crowd," he told the Associated Press news agency. Ambulances and police cars streamed into the area, as security forces tried to move people away from the scene of the accident. The pilgrims were returning via Mina after performing the Tawaf al-Wada, a farewell ceremony that involves walking around the Kaaba - a cube-like building in the centre of Mecca's Great Mosque - seven times. The Tawaf al-Wada is performed after the Hajj has finished. The stoning is the riskiest ritual of the Hajj, as worshippers jostle to try to target the stones, often causing weaker pilgrims to fall under foot. In 2004, more than 200 pilgrims were trampled to death while performing the same ceremony. The latest deadly stampede come days after more than 70 people died when a hostel for pilgrims collapsed in the Saudi city of Mecca. The Hajj is one of the five pillars of Islam and every able-bodied adult Muslim is obliged to perform it at least once in their lives.

best piece of "toilet " humour yet... 78243[/snapback] Replace kojak with mini me tho. 78246[/snapback] Baby's arm holding an apple tbh. 78252[/snapback] talking of Sh** there is a bloke in the S** the day whose life has been "destroyed" by his large penis...apparently it is nin inches when it is "asleep" and thirteen and a half when the "alarm" goes off.... 78258[/snapback] If thats true he's almost as big as Wacky lying on his back! 78268[/snapback] Was at Wacky's last night to pick up some dodgy dvd's, he had a booster seat on the chair he sits on to post shite on here!

The car theme reminds me of when me mates and I tested out the "banana up the tail pipe" theory explored in Beverly Hills Cop on a bloke we used to nikky knocky nine door! We hammered on his door after stuffing 3 banana's up his exhaust, then legged it, as per usual he ran out the house jumped in his car to chase us as we fled on our BMX's. His car made a few nasty noises and tehn a plume of smoke came out the back, he eventually got going only to staul as he pulled off the drive!

When I was a care free destructive teen, me and my mates once followed our cunt of a history teacher home, having sussed out where he lived we decided that night to deliver him a little gift to show how much we thought of him, so we waited until one of us needed a shite, after half an hour I felt the cramp in my stomach and headed to the traps, frezzer bag in hand. I managed to get it all in the bag, tied a knot in it then flattened it out and put it in a envelope, we walked up to the teachers house and posted the "mail" through his letter box, only for a dog to come up and rip it out of my hand as i feed it through the letterbox. All's i could hear was the sound of the dog ripping the thing to pieces and a voice say "Good boy, bring me my paper"!