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Best Man speech

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Right, the time has come. Only a week to go so I've had a bash at my speech. I'm a wedding virgin, so if you fancy reading it ang giving me constructive criticism I'd appreciate it....

 

Ladies and gentlemen, for those who don’t know me, I’m Chris… And I’ve been bestowed with the fantastic job - sideward glance at Pedro - to be Pedro’s best man.

Before I go on I’d like to thank Pedro and Renata on behalf of the bridesmaids for their presents and Pedro’s kind words and add my bit that they have been amazing and look great.

 

Back to the job in hand, embarrassing Pedro.

 

I first met Pedro at work getting on for 6 years ago, we never really socialized too much until the World cup came about in 2002.  I don’t know if you remember but there was a classic game between England and Argentina one Friday afternoon that year.

 

Since we both lived in Shields me and him bunked off early and bombed down to the Voyager,  I’ve never seen it so busy at one in the afternoon.  Anyway I thought we’d just be having a couple and go our separate ways at the final whistle, but the euphoria of a great 1 nil win meant that we had to celebrate.  We went daft and spent all day on the drink with a few of the lads.  You should have seen the state of us.  We went ker-a-zee.  Until it got to 7pm and Pedro said he had to get back to Renata and Emmerdale Farm.  I think Renata really appreciated me sending him home paralletic that day.  She never actually said she liked cleaning up his sick but I know how much she loves to take care of him.

 

From then on we’ve been great mates.  We’ve had drunken jaunts in Glasgow, Amsterdam, Manchester and most recently Berlin we’ve seen Public Enemy, The Beastie Boys, Green Day, The Darkness…loads of good nights out.

 

And it all came full circle on Englands first game of the World cup this year.  Pedro came out insisting it was a couple of pints only, because he was taking out his lovely fiancé for a meal later.  After the game (and a few more pints for luck) I thought he left in fine fettle and went for his romantic evening.  The next morning though I got a picture text from Renata of him once again flat out on the sofa.

 

I’d like to take this opportunity to apologise to Renata for leading him astray all this time.  If only he could hold his drink.

 

If I was a suspicious man I’d say they organized their wedding day on World Cup Quarter final day to get me back.

 

On a serious note, not only am I here to abuse Pedro and his almost female approach to shopping, but also to wish Pedro and Renata the very best for their married life together. George Nathan once said “Marriage is based on the theory that when a man discovers a particular brand of beer exactly to his taste, he should throw in his job and go to work in the brewery” – So to Pedro -open hand to Pedro- and Stella Artois -open hand to Renata- can I say thank you for allowing us all to share in this special day to celebrate the joining of your lives and love, thanks for the privilege of my role of Best Man, and a great thank you to Pedro for being such a blinding mate.

 

Before I offer the toast (and pass out) may I read out a few cards?

 

----------

 

Finally…. May I ask you all to be upstanding for the toast,

Pedro….Renata… May the best day of your past be the worst day of your future. To the bride and groom’s future happiness…

 

To Mr and Mrs Melquiades….Pedro and Renata.

 

Thank You and please enjoy the rest of the day.

 

Names have been amended to protect the innocent.

 

Too long? Short? Shit? Abusive?

 

Any hints?

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If its jokes and funny stuff you want then i'd say go to the mackem message board as they had a couple of threads on there where people came up with a load of stuff for people doing speeches.

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This may sound a bit harsh but i nearly fell asleep reading that, it's like a fucking life story, get some jokes about him in there, even if there not true

151901[/snapback]

 

Well all the funny stories are about him kicking the shit out of her ex. Do they work on wedding days?

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I was a best man a couple of years ago and the advice I can try and give is that the best man's speech should be the highlight of the reception, leave the emotional stuff to the father of the bride, your speech should be about entertainment.

 

One good tip I was given was along with the one-liners, look at the horoscope of the bride and groom for the day and try and get some humour from that, also look at famous events from history from the day and incorperate that into some gags too.

 

I've found a copy of my speech, feel free to nick any of the naff gags I used.

 

Well I must say that I am very nervous about making this speech. In fact this is the fifth time today that I have got off a warm seat with pieces of paper in my hand.

 

Having known Kevin since the age of 2, we have just about done it all, so writing a best man speech was easy, tales on childhood mischief, teenage experimentation, all kinds of illegal acts, and embaracing facts...... but then he pulled a master stroke.... He invited my parents !

 

 

 

I must admit I'm very relieved to see Kevin get married today, having known Kevin all my life I have been there for him through all his failed relationships in the past, and to cut a long story short its fair to say when it comes to women, Kev has been through Thick and thin... and short and fat, chubby and stupid, tall and boring.

 

 

 

I recall seeing one of his last girlfriends and instantly thinking "babe" ! you know the film about the talking pig.

 

When Kevin told me that Donna had accepted his proposal of marriage, I was shocked, as Donna always struck me as being quite intelligent.

 

 

 

Kevin, one thing you should have confidence in is that Donna will never leave you. She's invested two years of her life in training you, turning you into a responsible adult. so she’s not going to throw all that away lightly. And you know her – she never walks away from a job half done. 

 

 

 

Donna and I first met about 18 months ago, when it quickly became clear to me that here was a woman of many qualities - beauty, brains, wisdom and, fortunately for Kevin, a disarming love for dumb animals.

 

 

 

My first impression of Donna was that she was such a beautiful, witty, charming, clever, friendly and thoughtful person. And when she agreed to marry Kevin, it totally proved to me that old adage – opposites really do attract

 

 

 

You see, Kevin, getting married is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You're all nerves before you ask, So you spend ages preparing for the big moment, making sure everything's just right, and you're looking your very best - often with the help of a quick shave. And then, when the big moment arrives, its all over with before you know it !

 

 

 

None of you will know this, but I've actually congratulated the groom already. "Kevin", I said to him, "well done. You will always look back on today as the happiest and best thing you've ever done". Fitting words, I think you will agree, at the end of a fantastic stag night

 

 

 

One important lesson that I have learnt with women is that if you upset a woman you get nagged, but if you really really upset them you get the silent treatment, and I must say its well worth that extra effort !!!

 

 

 

One inevitable product of marriage is in-laws, and you should cherish them and embrace them, non more so than your mother-in-law I for one have a photograph of my mother-in-law on my mantelpiece, it keeps the kids away from the fire.

 

 

 

I took time out to check what great moments of history happened long ago on this day, one of which was the end of the battle of Midway, between Japan and the US in WW2, put simply a former great power was brought to its knees, how Ironic !

 

 

 

My advice to Kevin is that the key to a happy marriage is to remember to use those three little words….”Donna you’re right”.

 

 

 

Someone once said that marriage is a 50/50 partnership. I hope you realise that anyone who believes that, knows very little about women….or fractions!

 

 

 

To bring things to a conclusion, I'd like to thank you all for your attention. And let me just say that if you've enjoyed listening to this speech as much as I've enjoyed making it, then all I can do is offer my sincere apologies

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I was a best man a couple of years ago and the advice I can try and give is that the best man's speech should be the highlight of the reception, leave the emotional stuff to the father of the bride, your speech should be about entertainment.

 

One good tip I was given was along with the one-liners, look at the horoscope of the bride and groom for the day and try and get some humour from that, also look at famous events from history from the day and incorperate that into some gags too.

 

I've found a copy of my speech, feel free to nick any of the naff gags I used.

 

Well I must say that I am very nervous about making this speech. In fact this is the fifth time today that I have got off a warm seat with pieces of paper in my hand.

 

Having known Kevin since the age of 2, we have just about done it all, so writing a best man speech was easy, tales on childhood mischief, teenage experimentation, all kinds of illegal acts, and embaracing facts...... but then he pulled a master stroke.... He invited my parents !

 

 

 

I must admit I'm very relieved to see Kevin get married today, having known Kevin all my life I have been there for him through all his failed relationships in the past, and to cut a long story short its fair to say when it comes to women, Kev has been through Thick and thin... and short and fat, chubby and stupid, tall and boring.

 

 

 

I recall seeing one of his last girlfriends and instantly thinking "babe" ! you know the film about the talking pig.

 

When Kevin told me that Donna had accepted his proposal of marriage, I was shocked, as Donna always struck me as being quite intelligent.

 

 

 

Kevin, one thing you should have confidence in is that Donna will never leave you. She's invested two years of her life in training you, turning you into a responsible adult. so she’s not going to throw all that away lightly. And you know her – she never walks away from a job half done. 

 

 

 

Donna and I first met about 18 months ago, when it quickly became clear to me that here was a woman of many qualities - beauty, brains, wisdom and, fortunately for Kevin, a disarming love for dumb animals.

 

 

 

My first impression of Donna was that she was such a beautiful, witty, charming, clever, friendly and thoughtful person. And when she agreed to marry Kevin, it totally proved to me that old adage – opposites really do attract

 

 

 

You see, Kevin, getting married is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You're all nerves before you ask, So you spend ages preparing for the big moment, making sure everything's just right, and you're looking your very best - often with the help of a quick shave. And then, when the big moment arrives, its all over with before you know it !

 

 

 

None of you will know this, but I've actually congratulated the groom already. "Kevin", I said to him, "well done. You will always look back on today as the happiest and best thing you've ever done". Fitting words, I think you will agree, at the end of a fantastic stag night

 

 

 

One important lesson that I have learnt with women is that if you upset a woman you get nagged, but if you really really upset them you get the silent treatment, and I must say its well worth that extra effort !!!

 

 

 

One inevitable product of marriage is in-laws, and you should cherish them and embrace them, non more so than your mother-in-law I for one have a photograph of my mother-in-law on my mantelpiece, it keeps the kids away from the fire.

 

 

 

I took time out to check what great moments of history happened long ago on this day, one of which was the end of the battle of Midway, between Japan and the US in WW2, put simply a former great power was brought to its knees, how Ironic !

 

 

 

My advice to Kevin is that the key to a happy marriage is to remember to use those three little words….”Donna you’re right”.

 

 

 

Someone once said that marriage is a 50/50 partnership. I hope you realise that anyone who believes that, knows very little about women….or fractions!

 

 

 

To bring things to a conclusion, I'd like to thank you all for your attention. And let me just say that if you've enjoyed listening to this speech as much as I've enjoyed making it, then all I can do is offer my sincerely apologies

151906[/snapback]

 

:lol:

 

Some of them are on a par with "ladies and gents it's been an emotional day, even the cake's in tiers". :D

 

Cheers. I'll add some of them.

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Straight out of the Les Dawson book of mother-in-law gags.

 

Once you've got your speech finalised, make some crib sheets up with each gag on, and just use them to jog your memory, make sure you get plenty of dutch courage too, it helped me !

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Straight out of the Les Dawson book of mother-in-law gags.

 

Once you've got your speech finalised, make some crib sheets up with each gag on, and just use them to jog your memory, make sure you get plenty of dutch courage too, it helped me !

151908[/snapback]

 

 

I might do best man bingo sheets for everyone :lol:

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Heard loads of best man speeches now - some good, some bad, most mediocre. Done one myself and kept it simple off the cuff, and it was actually OK (seen it since on video).

 

The worst I have heard was when the best man went way OTT on the sex life of the married couple. It was plain disrepectful, plus he managed to insult the entire brides family (who were from Anglesey) using constant welsh jokes. Mind, at the end he did say he was expecting to wake up next morning opposite a severed Sheep's head left by the welsh mafia, which I laughed at.

 

The most embarassing I can remember is a lad who got up and literally froze with fright - he couldn't utter a single word. Not good.

 

Have to be honest HF and say you need more jokes, but don't go overboard or be too crude.. One thing is for sure - I don't envy you.

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Right, the time has come.  Only a week to go so I've had a bash at my speech.  I'm a wedding virgin, so if you fancy reading it ang giving me constructive criticism I'd appreciate it....

 

Ladies and gentlemen, for those who don’t know me, I’m Chris… And I’ve been bestowed with the fantastic job - sideward glance at Pedro - to be Pedro’s best man.

Before I go on I’d like to thank Pedro and Renata on behalf of the bridesmaids for their presents and Pedro’s kind words and add my bit that they have been amazing and look great.

 

Back to the job in hand, embarrassing Pedro.

 

I first met Pedro at work getting on for 6 years ago, we never really socialized too much until the World cup came about in 2002.  I don’t know if you remember but there was a classic game between England and Argentina one Friday afternoon that year.

 

Since we both lived in Shields me and him bunked off early and bombed down to the Voyager,  I’ve never seen it so busy at one in the afternoon.  Anyway I thought we’d just be having a couple and go our separate ways at the final whistle, but the euphoria of a great 1 nil win meant that we had to celebrate.  We went daft and spent all day on the drink with a few of the lads.  You should have seen the state of us.  We went ker-a-zee.  Until it got to 7pm and Pedro said he had to get back to Renata and Emmerdale Farm.  I think Renata really appreciated me sending him home paralletic that day.  She never actually said she liked cleaning up his sick but I know how much she loves to take care of him.

 

From then on we’ve been great mates.  We’ve had drunken jaunts in Glasgow, Amsterdam, Manchester and most recently Berlin we’ve seen Public Enemy, The Beastie Boys, Green Day, The Darkness…loads of good nights out.

 

And it all came full circle on Englands first game of the World cup this year.  Pedro came out insisting it was a couple of pints only, because he was taking out his lovely fiancé for a meal later.  After the game (and a few more pints for luck) I thought he left in fine fettle and went for his romantic evening.  The next morning though I got a picture text from Renata of him once again flat out on the sofa.

 

I’d like to take this opportunity to apologise to Renata for leading him astray all this time.  If only he could hold his drink.

 

If I was a suspicious man I’d say they organized their wedding day on World Cup Quarter final day to get me back.

 

On a serious note, not only am I here to abuse Pedro and his almost female approach to shopping, but also to wish Pedro and Renata the very best for their married life together. George Nathan once said “Marriage is based on the theory that when a man discovers a particular brand of beer exactly to his taste, he should throw in his job and go to work in the brewery” – So to Pedro -open hand to Pedro- and Stella Artois -open hand to Renata- can I say thank you for allowing us all to share in this special day to celebrate the joining of your lives and love, thanks for the privilege of my role of Best Man, and a great thank you to Pedro for being such a blinding mate.

 

Before I offer the toast (and pass out) may I read out a few cards?

 

----------

 

Finally…. May I ask you all to be upstanding for the toast,

Pedro….Renata… May the best day of your past be the worst day of your future. To the bride and groom’s future happiness…

 

To Mr and Mrs Melquiades….Pedro and Renata.

 

Thank You and please enjoy the rest of the day.

 

Names have been amended to protect the innocent.

 

Too long? Short? Shit? Abusive?

 

Any hints?

151894[/snapback]

 

 

Well being a girl who one day hopes to get married I thought it was a lovely speech. If you need to slag yr mate off then go for it though lol he will only ever love you for it...

 

But I thought it was great, good luck x

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I think that when raising a toast say

 

"And now lets raise a drink to Mr and Mrs XXXXX, Pablo and Renata"

 

I dunno why but it kinda seals the deal for me, it's almost like formally anoouncing them as man and wife to their friends and family as you'll probably be the first to do so after the Vicar/Priest/Rabbi/Imam

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make sure you get plenty of dutch courage too, it helped me !

151908[/snapback]

Howay man, he's got to be coherent enough to say "Melquiades" at the end! :D

 

 

 

...no pressure like :lol:

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My mate did a God awful one for my other mates wedding last year. Honestly, it was cringeworthy, he'd had too much Dutch courage and it was far too long and not funny. Poor bugger, it turned into a therapy session of exercising his own demons. He'd been in a relationship when he was younger where he'd basically been under the thumb and was never out and started apologising for it. He went through all this, gave a pause, and said '..and then she left me.' :lol:

 

My mate twoced his cue cards later in the day and after a 'joke' he'd written 'pause for laughter.' :D;);)

 

My advice is, don't go on for ages. My brother did, and after a good start people just got bored of it.

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You could also use props if you can get them in there before hand.

 

You could do the old notes on a bog roll, or a huge pile of paper to be notes, or the tiny bit of paper to read from but go on for ages. You could take a rubber chicken and keep it in your hand but never refer to it bar waving it now and again as you are talking and being serious, or you could make up a A3 or A4 sign with "LAUGH" on it and one with "CLAP" on it for while you are going through to show to the audience.

 

Good luck :lol:

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You could also use props if you can get them in there before hand.

 

You could do the old notes on a bog roll, or a huge pile of paper to be notes, or the tiny bit of paper to read from but go on for ages.  You could take a rubber chicken and keep it in your hand but never refer to it bar waving it now and again as you are talking and being serious, or you could make up a A3 or A4 sign with "LAUGH" on it and one with "CLAP" on it for while you are going through to show to the audience.

 

Good luck :lol:

151963[/snapback]

 

Genius.

 

Alternatively replace the chicken with a 12 inch vibrater.

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For the sake of facts, Im pretty sure the england argentina game was a morning kick off rather than afternoon. wink!

151990[/snapback]

K.O. 12:30 UK time. FACT FART!

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I dont remember anything about it at all, so I'd imagine a 10am K.O. with a 9am start on the ale would have been about right.

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