Howmanheyman

Ralph from Ted and Ralph on the Fast Show? I reckon yee are in the mould of a young Tim Healy maybe in the first few series of Auf Pet Not that tall but still packing plenty power. Trendy clobber and short little jackets. Am a reet? A mans man, if you will. Short jacket? Not sure what one is! I'm 5"9 and 12.4 stone, with short dark hair starting to go Zidane. I reckon you look like someone in real life which is no help, like. I suppose the next best would be to say Oz from Auf pet's build, with Paul Calfs hair and tache.

Cheers, Tom.

Ralph from Ted and Ralph on the Fast Show?

This might have been done before, I don't know. But what mental image do you have of certain posters on here? I was going to say describe your mental image of the person who posts directly before you but it wouldn't work if two people post at the same time!! (One step ahead, me like!) Anyway, it's only fair I start off, so, fucking hell, who do I start with? (I'm lucky as I don't know the vast majority of you on here). Gemmill In his thirties and always called ginger, I reckon he's borderline ginger/fair hair and so gets stick off his pals, he seems intelligent enough despite not knowing the obituaries, will do the odd favour as a goodwill gesture and will look like a cross between Charles Spencer and Harry Windsor. (Also got another little theory going (not about Gemmill), but am going to keep that to myself for now).

Sorry for being lazy but where is it, again and at what time? On the 31st I'll be on my first rest day but it's coming off night shift. I'm actually not sure it's worth bothering with if I'm honest.

Come back toughguymick, all is forgiven.

After losing my wallet and getting done for drunk and disorderly in the space of a month, I think I maybe need to re-evaluate my drinking limit, especially going on shorts after 6-7 pints.

I once had a cowardly attack on me by a chair when I wasn't looking. Can you tell me your whereabouts in August 1992, sir? Hmmnn?

Aye, sounds a bit like a kettle, doesn't it? Aye, Mac, but if you listen really carefully it almost makes a sound like, 'fahcking wankahhss!!'. Wierd.

You must be rock. The lad gives a perfectly normal anecdote and gets it in the neck. What a pack of bastards!

Can anyone hear a whining high pitched noise?

What the fuck has vodafone got to do with old men wanking each other?

Wasn't a fight, like, but the last 'confrontation' I had was in november. I lost my temper with an arrogant policeman and pushed him over on his arse as I didn't appreciate being manhandled like a silly, naughty boy when I'd not done a thing wrong. Needless to say, I was a bit drunk and 6 policeman, a ride in a van, an overnighter in a cell and £80 later, I wish I'd bitten my lip.

Taken from wikipedia Everton v Tranmere is the Mersey derby, well, the one where the locals go to, anyway.

Assuming you paid no additional amount on top of the 12m for Keane from Liverpool (not including the wages you've wasted on him, which would be in the millions) plus the 14m you paid for Pavlyuchenko if you sold them to Sunderland you'd be losing a tidy 10m. Bentley's only on loan and you won't get anywhere near the 15m you paid for him before any add ons. You probably have the highest paid bench in the league excluding Manchester City who are well and truly in their own financial bracket. I don't see how you could net 4m from the signing of Bent considering you sold him for less than you bought him for. Maths not your strong point fella? Keane = 8 - 20 + 12 = 0 So a 4 mil loss on Pav. We can eat that up neh bother. Logic not your strong point? Point A. Tottenham do not have Robbie Keane Point B. Tottenham buy Robbie Keane for 12m (plus bonuses) from Liverpool Point C. Tottenham pay Robbie Keane to play in spits and spats and sit on the bench collecting money in the meantime The fact that you had had Robbie Keane at your club earlier counts for diddly as it was a completely separate set of transactions. Strange logic when you are talking about a player we had previously made an 12 million profit on. Surely that should be point A? Or did Robbie Keane not exist before Liverpool? Its an interesting point you make although it does break some fairly fundamental rules of quantum dynamics. Has anyone ever told you you're a boring cunt? Just asking, like.

Sham, JFK and even KK tried to accomodate Duff and N'zogbia in the same side, or leave him out when we played three up front. Its worked out in the end from Jose's point of view but I thought he looked a decent enough prospect the games he did play. If we sold this lad for about £6M it would be like giving him away. We simply must keep this lad, he is the best left back we've had in my time, him and Bez going forward are close, although Jose shades him, and defending Jose is well ahead.

I've been crying with laughter, honestly in tears. Stokoedelic and the woy rub in particular, If this MB lasts for a thousand years, posters will still say, 'This was it's finest hour'. Fucking Top Notch. Take a well deserved bow everyone. Pure class.

Hey, I tell you what, what a fucking laugh this thread has been, absolute quality.

I was at White Hart Lane one year, about 1994, and despite being thousands of Geordies down there me and a few of us managed to find ourselves in the middle of a pocket of Spurs fans. My mate nudged me in the side and gestured for me to zip up my jacket as I had a Toon top on. No sooner had I done it then you heard the 'Facking cahm on!!" and quite a few cockneys start running towards, well, I haven't a fucking clue because I never saw anything apart from them shouting and running, but another bloke who was with us and a bit older but not really a big football fan, chose this exact moment to get put his hand up and start waving a ticket about and shout, "Does anyone want a spare ticket for the Newcastle end?" The fucking dozy cunt, I thought, a few of the 'facking cahm on' brigade stopped, took one look at him and just ran on to wherever they were going, we were there for the taking but the bloke who was with us with the spare ticket was a fucking giant of a bloke and they just didn't want to know. All fucking mouth. (I was still glad they didn't stop, like!).

Pwopa nawty. The whole set up is dead now, even at Newcastle against Sunderland, you get about 2,000 people who are willing to bounce around like they're on a trampoline with their arms out shaping their bodies like an upstanding plane. "Camm on then" very easy to say when there's 80 old bill between you and them and if it really did kick off the vast majority would fuckin shit themselves. See the seat throwing incident at the SOS, that's not hooliganism even, it's being a cowardly cunt indescriminately throwing weapons at people isn't a nobel thing to do. All in all an activity largely that involves complete fuckwits (nee offence Shinton), and one that impresses young impressionable lads till they grow up a bit. If you want to be a fighter, join a boxing club. Biggest incident I ever saw was at Brammal Lane in 1994, mob of about 400 Newcastle, we've probably got 50 absolute max these days. Mugs game which involves mugs. I've seen a few things in my time, but does smashing an almost full bottle of broon in some poor bastards face make you hard? I saw that at Peterborough, the bloke who did it had a Rangers top on but had a geordie accent. Not nice to see. To be honest, the one thing I think used to set us apart from the cockney gobshite is the 'ordinary' blokes who weren't there for any bother but were more than capable of answering back any wide, bouncing 'cahm on then' dickheads who weren't used to ordinary fans not running away. But, yes, there were a few genuine nutters out for trouble, I usually kept out of their way if I saw them, to be honest. To the OP. There's also money to be had by hoolies writing books, but I'd take them with a huge pinch of salt or better still not bother. No offence to any cockneys reading this, but they do tend to talk a lot of shite about everything, why should hooligans be any different?

And getting back to Spurs, any club with TWO players called Jermaine in their side aren't going to fancy coming up here. 'They don't have to take their.....clothes off, to have a good time, no, no. They could dance at parties, all night and drink some cherry wine, ah-ha"

They're a good side on their day, but depending on who we can put out I will always fancy us at home against these. Their record up here is shit, they don't like it up here, IIRC their record at the mackems isn't too hot, either. We've regularly done these and done them good and proper. Redknap has the media eating out of his hand hence his shock in the rare event he gets stick off the odd one. I heard a bit of the mackem phone in on Radio Newcastle. (What a fucking disgrace that station is, by the way, John Anderson should tell them to stick it), mackem presenter and fat warty cunt Gabbiadini wondering that Barton could've been sent off for time wasting as he'd already been booked!!!! Jesus Christ!!!! But the real beauty was this air of indifference he gave off with SAFC going for bigger things and having a wonderful season and NUFC fans only having the derbies to think about, (Jesus, the irony!!). Fuck me, we win a game in hand and we're ONE point behind them. Had we got the deserved win on sunday we'd be above them, Marco, marco, you're kidding no cunt, if wishful thinking was an olympic sport this twat would be on the podium with a gold medal on his chest. The presenter is a prick as well. Anyway, when we've finished above them in the past on numerous occasions, they were well behind us. If they manage to finish above us this year the gap will be nowhere near as big.

I thought you'd like that one, Fist, you sick bastard, you!

My Granda told me that the flu virus was going to pick up in the new year. "Tell me something I don't know, Granda!", I replied. Wasn't expecting, "I can get my fist up your granny's arse."