Howmanheyman

The very best of luck to them although, unfortunately, Ashley isn't the only cunt out there taking the piss out of HARDWORKING TAXPAYERS, wibble, wibble. (funny how that phrase is never used in conjunction with stories like this but only in 'scrounger' stories brought to you by the very best Murdoch has to offer from his media empire.)

Me too. Therefore....... 'Splash'

The Great Escape

The invisible Man.

01/02/2015 “Everywhere you go, You always take Cabella with you, Everywhere you go, You always take Cabella.” That was the crack in me Hull 0-3 Newcastle United write up ah’d finished the night before as Johnny Carver's Black & White Army got a tremendous away win. Ah knaa me loyal readers not only want the statistics and goals but they love me writing the Toon Army songs sung in the game and as one of them myself, I give them what they want. As ah got up the next day ah went to leave the house to get The Sunday Sun when ah noticed a parcel made up of newspapers on me front step. Ah took it inside, opened it up and it fucking reeked! It was a fish with a note on it! This is what it said; “Don’t print the ‘Dummet stands with the fans’ story. Or else!” Fuck me! Ah was gobsmacked! First off ah’d completely forgotten seeing big Dums in with the Toon Army so excited was ah about our win and secondly, who was trying to warn me and what did the fish package mean? Ah phoned up the Thomson House Crime reporter, Sophie Doughty for some advice, “Hallo, is that Sophie? It’s Lee…..What? Lee. Lee Ryder.” Ah tells her. She then replied that she thought ah was dead canny but she’d just finished a relationship and was going to chill for a while. “Nar, you don’t understand” ah says, “Ah’m not asking you out this time, ah need some crime advice!” Ah telt her about the fish and the message and she agreed to give me the number of one of her crime snouts, a bloke called ‘Billy the Fib.’ Ah phoned him up and telt him who ah was and where ah worked and promised him Sophie would sub him a tenner next time she saw him so he agreed to play ball. He said the Fish in a paper was an old North Shields message. He asked me if I knew any Haddocks? Ah said me Ma’s dog was called ‘Peter Haddock’ which ah named when ah was a young’un after the former Magpie Geordie defender. Billy the Fib said that was it then, he gans, “It means that if you print the Dummet with the fans story, ‘Peter Haddock’ will sleep with the real haddocks!” Fucking hell! Ah was being warned and Peter Haddock was in real trouble if ah went ahead with the story! Ah put the phone down and noticed a car slowly driving past and a man in his late twenties with a cream suit and a cream fedora hat on look in at me. Ah could’ve swore it was the Geordie hero, Stevie Taylor! Funny enough, later on he phoned me up and when ah told him about the fish he said he wasn’t saying it WAS him and he wasn’t saying it WASN’T him but if ah wanted anymore exclusive Steven Taylor interviews ah’d drop the ‘Dummet standing with the Toon Army’ kind of stories. When ah asked him why he was bothered the colossal Toon defender broke down and wept that he was the one who wanted to be the fans number one. Ah asked if he’d spoken to anyone about his worries and he told me he’d only told the Samaritans in a midnight phone call. “What did they say to you, Tayls?” ah said. “The Samaritan said he couldn’t take any more of my patter and told me he was away to jump off the Tyne Bridge.” Taylor replied. Anyways, ah smoothed it out with the Cullercoats Legend and promised ah’d mysteriously lose the Dummet story but gain a lifetime of Steven Taylor exclusives instead which was a hell of a result if ah say so meself. Ah just know my loyal readers will be beside themselves with antitic, antipash, will be really looking forward to reading all about the future England Captain’s thoughts. Laters.

Until you came along I thought Jose Mourinho was the only 'special' one.

What a fucking Knacker.

fucking hell.

The amount of free headers we allow is beyond a joke, like.

Stevie Taylor's going to do his nut when he sees Dummet in the away end.

3-0! Even Gouffran scored!

Pass, ole! Pass, ole! Pass, ole! Williamson, hoof! (You're not ole-ing anymore! You're not ole-ing anymore).

What a goal! Good on Sammy for seeing the chance. Still a worry these free kicks. Coloccini, what the fuck was that?

Look at that shot he just done.

Aye, PL, thats you telt. Keep out of it!

Agree with that. A defender stops the ball going in the same way it's a red, what's the difference?

Ameobi's going to have to watch these free kicks he's giving away. How the fuck are they complaining about that handball?

Good strike by cabella, great lay off by the Hull kid.