bobbyshinton

Horizon in Arillas Corfu

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me. · Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a Rest. · Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all Right now. · The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. · The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work. · To write with a broken pencil is pointless. · When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate. · The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large. · A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months. · A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal. · Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking. · We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply. · When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A. · The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it. · The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground. · The dead batteries were given out free of charge. · If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory. · A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail. · A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired. · A will is a dead giveaway. · Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana. · A backward poet writes inverse. · In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes. · A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion. · If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed. · With her marriage she got a new name and a dress. · Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner. · When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds. · The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered. · A grenade which fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulted in Linoleum Blownapart. · You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it. · Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under. · He broke into song because he couldn't find the key. · A calendar's days are numbered. · A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine. · A boiled egg is hard to beat. · He had a photographic memory which was never developed. · A plateau is a high form of flattery. · Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end. · When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall. · If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine. · When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye. · Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to dough basis. · Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses. · Acupuncture: a jab well done.

fucking trent

just for you I'm going to

A Geordie, a Scouser, and a Mackem were lost in the desert. They were driving around in a Jeep when it broke down, because they had nothing else they decided to each take a piece of the Jeep as they continued their journey. The Geordie took the radiator, the Scouser took the seat, and the Mackem took the door. After a while of walking the Scouser asked the Geordie "I'm confused, why did you bring the radiator?" The Geordie responded, "If I get thirsty,I can drink the fluid." Next the Mackem asked the Scouser "Why did you bring the seat?" So the Scouser said "If I get tired,I am not going to sit on the sand. I can sit on this comfortable seat." Finally the Geordie asked the Mackem why she had chosen the door. The Mackem quickly responded to this question, . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . "Well, when I get hot all I have to do is roll down the window."

We might not be able to see it though as the white sheet he wears over his face most of the time will mask any tache he has. It's a pillow case for the neighbours When would I have to show off my hitler tash?

I Entertain bollocks howay then IE?

I Entertain

IE? eh International Emergency

I can record the audio off youtube. can anyone tell me how to record the images?

Hes not going to do it But big thanks for the donation Alex. do beards count? what kind of tash do you have to grow?

An Indian gentleman on his first visit to the UK visited the foreign exchange in Fenwicks to exchange some Rupees. He handed to the cashier 100,000Rps and after a quick calculation on the calculator, was given £100.90. The Indian promptly spent this and returned the next day with another wad of Rupees. He handed the same cashier 100,000Rps and put his hand out for his £100.90, instead he received 98.78. He questiond bitterly Ooh! vy less !!??" Whereupon the cashier replied "Fluctuations!" He screamed back . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . "FLUCK YOU GEORDIES, TOO!" I'm going back to Dehli

Why do cavemen drag their women by the hair? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . - If they dragged them by their feet they'd fill up.

What do you call a nun that has had a sex change operation? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . -A Transistor

Just stringing him along, give him enough rope. I would have replied earlier but I've been tied up.

I didn't post for a week then came back this week In fact the FAO Stevie, made me come back, I think it's been good Gemmill having a little break. FAO Stevie was mine as well

An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and goes down to the docks for old times sake. He hires a prostitute, takes her up to a room and goes at it as best as he can for a guy his age. After a couple of minutes he asks, "How am I doing?" The prostitute replies, "Well sailor, you're doing about three knots." "Three Knots?" He asks. "What's that supposed to mean?" She says, . . . . .. . . . .. "you're knot hard, . . . . . . . . . . . . . . you're knot in . . . . . . . . . . . . .. . . . . . and you're knot getting your money back."

ahem I think it went up yesterday

A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his class a lesson about the evils of drink, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms. "Now, class, closely observe the worms," said the professor while putting a worm into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be. He then put the second worm into the whiskey. It curled up and writhed about painfully, then quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail. "Now, what lesson can we learn from this experiment?" the professor asked. Young Berb, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded confidently, . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms."

After her fifth child, Carol decided that she should have some cosmetic surgery "down below" to restore herself to her former youthful glory - cos her gammon was dangling a bit too low and looked like a ripped out fireplace. Time and childbirth had taken its toll and she reckoned that, with five children now being the limit, she'd tidy things with a nip here and a tuck there so it looked more like a piggy bank slot, rather than a badly packed kebab. Following the operation she awoke from her anaesthetic to find three roses at the end of the bed. "Who are these from ?" she asked the nurse, "They're very nice but I'm a bit confused as to why I've received them." "Well" said the nurse, "The first is from the surgeon - the operation went so well and you were such a model patient that he wanted to say thanks" "Ahhh, that's really nice" said Carol "The second is from your husband - he's delighted the operation was such a success that he can't wait to get you home. Apparently it'll be the first time he's touched the sides for years and he's very excited!". "Brilliant!" said Carol. "And the third?" "That's from Eric in the burns unit" said the nurse. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . "He just wanted to say thanks for his new ears."

i actually posted that one some time ago and the same debate was raised.

A 75 year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow." The next day the 75 year old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: "Well, doc, it's like this - First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, with nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up the lady next door and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . "Yep, but no matter what we tried we couldn't get the stupid jar open!" daft twat

One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the director of nursing became aware of Edna's heroic act, she considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news." "The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays a sound mind." "The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hanged himself in his bathroom with the belt to his robe right after you saved him. I am sorry, but he's dead." Edna replied, . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?" worst yit

i don't do it for adulation. I suppose that is obvious