bobbyshinton

bob? uh

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, . . . . .. . . . . . . . . .. . . . "And if that fucking ice cream van hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"

you haven't met me then I would use it to upgrade me Villa, the one in spain not the Portugeese or greek ones

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks." The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language." Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added, . . . . . . . . .. . . . . . . . . . "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

Is that yours? Impressive stuff, how much did you raise? I can beat that

Hate sourmess, but what do you base that on? By the way I hate big sam 9although I want to be proved wrong)

could not pass a fucking blood test

thought that was our secret

There's this fellow with a parrot. And the parrot swears like a sailor. I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, polite, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy. One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the parrot by the throat,shakes him really hard, and yells, 'QUIT IT!'. This just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever. Then the guy gets mad and says 'OK for you' and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches. When the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of vulgarities that would make a veteran sailor blush. At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes and keeps swearing. Then suddenly, it gets VERY quiet. At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt or deeply chilled. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens the freezer door. The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says,'Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on.' The man is astonished. He can't understand the transformation that has taken place. Then the parrot says, 'By the way, . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . what did the chicken do?'

Is this the lets repeat the Berbsters jokes?

So that'll be 9 weeks of holidays then, are you a gaffa like or self-employed or something you old codger! Carpet Fitter according to Stevie toon

Old Bastard Amsterdam 1wk just touring Museums Prague 1wk ballet, touring London 1wk 2 shows n match Tunisia 1wk Rhodes 1wk Corfu 1wk Zante 1wk Santorinni 1 wk trying to squeeze one more in Nov. or Dec. old Bastard

A gentleman died and arrived in hell. He was met by the Devil and was told that in the new kinder gentler hell, each person is offered Three choices of torture. The Devil explained that these tortures run in 1000 year cycles and you could pick which cycle in which to begin. So the Devil took the man to the first room where a man was hung up by his feet and was being whipped with chains. The man said he did not think that was where he wanted to start. They proceeded to the next room where a man was hung up by his arms and was being whipped by a Cat-O-Nine Tails. The man also declined this form of torture. The third room had a man strapped to the wall naked and a very beautiful young blonde woman was performing oral sex upon him. The man told the Devil this is more like it, and this was the one he wanted. The Devil said are you sure?, it lasts for 1000 years! The man assured him that this was the punishment he wanted. So the Devil walked over to the . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . young woman and said "You can go now, I have found your replacement"

on drink this afters Sat. gym, match (in pub) on drink Sun gym on drink mon hol tues Santorinni for a hol

besty do better

A man was driving down the road with 20 penguins in the back of his car. A copper pulled him over and told him, "Oi, you can't drive around with penguins in your car. Take them to the zoo." The man agreed and drove off. The next day the same man was driving down the road with 20 penguins in the back of his car again. The same copper pulled him over. "Oi," he said, "I thought I told you to take those penguins to the zoo!", the copper said. The man answered, "I did. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Today I'm taking them to the movies. "

A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde . "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer. Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite mule, Bessie, into the..." "I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?" Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...." The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told a farmer on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question." By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde 's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite mule, Bessie". Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the road when this huge articulated wagon ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Farmer came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his shotgun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Farmer came across the road, shotgun still in hand, looked at me, and said, "How are you feeling . . . . .. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . "Now what the hell would you say?

A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: "I am placed in the door with my seeing eye dog and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me and out I go with the dog." "But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked. "I have a very keen sense of smell, and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground" he answered. "But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" he was again asked. He quickly answered: . . .. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . "Oh, the dog's leash goes slack."

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross eyed. Is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" . . . . . . . . . . . . .. . . .. .. . . . . . . . "No, because he's really heavy"

Aye, in the NE corner we weren't really paying attention when the goal went in - definitely happened before the goal was scored. the bloke was off his head when he came into the ground looked doped up

A woman named Shirley was from Waaaaaalsend. One day, she had a heart attack and was taken to the Freeman hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near-death experience. She saw God and asked, "Is this it?" God said, "No, you have another 30 to 40 years to live." Upon her recovery, she decided to stay in the hospital and have collagen shots, cheek implants, a face lift, liposuction and breast augmentation. She even had someone dye her hair. She figured since she had another 30 to 40 years, she might as well make the most of it. She walked out of the Freeman lobby after the last operation and was killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital. She arrived in front of God and said, "I thought you said I had another 30 to 40 years?" God replied, . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . "Shirley! I didn't recognize you!"

Tell you what i have noticed, all the pictures are taken in private. Lets see some in public places, me I will be presenting my effort in areas around the town.

Ban anyone over 35. Sorry mate.

Are best as; Chips jacket Plain boiled old Old mashed New boiled wedges other me jersey new chips old mashed

Where do you put the wank mag? woor lasses arse will not fit in the fucking bath never mind the sink. We would pull the bastard off the wall