BigWalrus

The best beefburger I've ever tasted came from Kielder Organic Meats. The woman on the stall wouldn't tell me what they seasoned them with, despite my protests. They're simple, seasoned minced beef with nowt else added, but they've got them bang on. I think they charge about £1.20 per burger - worth every penny. I've tried to recreate them using salt, black pepper, onion powder, garlic powder and a very small amount of paprika. Close but not quite there yet. I remember watching some TV chef bloke (possibly Heston Blumenthal but I might be wrong) make burgers. He said that the best way to bind the meat is to use salt and chill them in the shape you want them. I've pretty much religiously stuck to that methodology ever since and it's never failed.

I wouldn't hesitate in doing that if I knew who it was. But in a crowd of people about 1500 strong, huddled together leaving the Gallowgate end in near darkness, it's tricky to pick one out of the crowd.

You're on a wind-up, surely? Did you only start watching NUFC 6 months ago?

Yeah, the booing was ridiculous. Some have said it was for the referee, but if that's the case, why not applaud the team first? There were some utter, utter bellends in the crowd last night. Some knob was lobbing coins into the crowd when they were walking out of the Gallowgate end after the game. One of the coins caught me on the back of the head at one point too

What's your solution then? Sell him and put Anita in there instead? We'd have 5 less yellow cards a season and surely climb 6 places in the league over night!

His reputation is shocking!

I'd also add, from last season: Alex Song - 10 yellows Gareth Barry - 8 yellows + 1 red Lee Cattermole - 11 yellows + 1 red Basically, if you play in that sort of position, you're expected to pick up bookings. If Tiote was picking up 20 a season, I'd be concerned. 15 and I'd raise an eyebrow. Anywhere in the 7-12 area and I shrug my shoulders.

That's a better selection of players to compare him with, as it's a bit more current than Roy Keane etc. As I said earlier, I would expect him to have quite a high number of yellows, as there are one or two that he picks up from reputation alone. We'd obviously love him to get booked less (particularly the odd one where you wonder why he even went in for the tackle in the first place), but part of that comes with commitment to to the cause. He is much better than he was when he first came here - the problem is that he now has a reputation and referees are quite happy to book him early on. Your last comment about Sissoko, Mbiwa or Anita being better bets is confusing. Are you suggesting that any of those three could play the defensive midfielder role better than Tiote? Sissoko could do a good job there, but I feel we'd be wasting his obvious skill on the ball by playing him so deep. Mbiwa looks a tidy player, but he's a centre back and has been bought to play there. Anita is one where I'm hoping he'll come good, but right now he's too powderpuff and lightweight to play the holding role. He also has a tendency to go missing if the game isn't going well.

You've chosen players from over 10 years ago, when you could get away with far more on a football pitch. We need like for like years, otherwise I don't think it's a fair comparison. I'm expecting Tiote to be high up on the list as he does pick up a few more yellows than he should, but I don't see it as enough to want to ditch him. As for ACN, it's not every year - we've just seen two in a row because they wanted to stagger them either side of the World Cup (they'll now be played only on odd years). So the next one will be 2015.

Show me another player who plays the defensive midfield role that doesn't pick up a load of yellows. If they're not getting at least 7 yellows a season then they're either incredibly lucky or not doing their job properly.

Yep, exactly. However, don't let facts get in the way of an illogical argument.

Gouffran? He would have been from being sat in the Milburn posh seats.

Useless fact - I had John Salako as a wild card entry in a celebrity death pool sweepstake last year.

He's a driven, aggressive player, but I don't agree that his fouls are driven by rage. I think you're reading too much into his internet based stereotype. If you have a player like that in your side, the opposition know that they can't get away with dwelling on the ball and it forces them into so many more errors.

Cabaye commits some even more silly fouls than Tiote. His tackle on Dembele was worthy of a red, and his flailing arm last night wasn't a red in my eyes, but it was deliberate and could have seen him walk with a picky ref. However, Cabaye gets away with it because he's a more forward thinking player who creates goals and scores the odd goal. Tiote gets it in the neck because he does the dirty work and the mopping up.

He's not an arsehole - he's the sort of player you'd hate to play against as he chases every ball, works tirelessly and gets in your face as soon as you're in possession. There are enough dickheads in the crowd who are sitting on the edge of their seat waiting for a misplaced pass or a mistake, so they can scream, "see, I told you, he's woeful". Tiote's overall contribution last night was solid. He was always available for the two centre backs to release the ball to. Part of the issue last night was that Tiote + Cabaye + Sissoko still needs a bit of work - it was their first game together after all. There were times when Cabaye's deeper role meant he and Tiote were getting under the feet of each other. Give it time - they're three quality players and have the makings of one of the best midfields we've ever had. I make no apologies for being frank, but anyone who wants actively wants Tiote to leave is clearly an idiot.

I bloody love smoked paprika. Brought back a big tin from a Spanish supermarket. Goes lovely on a roast chicken with some garlic and onion powder.

Shola came on and laid a chance on a plate as soon as he came on. He is fine as a sub late in the game. Some horrible bastards in the crowd last night. A couple of horrifically fat cnuts sat behind me who spent the entire game talking to each other. Their main topic was bitching about one of their friends, who often hit his wife but was a canny lad as he shared his coke with them. They paused their conversation only to shout "fuck off man" or "he's fuckin' shite" whenever Jonas got the ball. I moved about 5 rows further down in the second half but could hear louder shouting when Shola was on the ball. Clueless, ignorant football observers with a wholly negative view of the players. Why do they even bother turning up?

He's a mint player, I love him to bits.

The bacteria in the yoghurt penetrates the meat, so it doesn't matter whether you make slits or not. You only need the slits if you're marinating it for a short period of time. Overnight is plenty of time for the flavour to get in there. Skin is optional.

Oh yeah, the Bale vs Obertan comparison should probably stop at pace. Ironic really, given that he's the NUFC player educated to the highest level. He could learn a lot from Gouffran, who even after 2 games appears to have a much better understanding of his team mates than Gabby has ever had.