The Fish

I couldn't care less if there are ex-players and managers out there who're now trying to find some coat tail to grab on to. Let 'em, I don't care. I'm sure Man City, Liverpool and the rest have all seen players wheeled out whose link to, or time with the club was janky at best. I'm more bothered about the rewriting of Pardew's history. It wasn't inexplicable, our dislike of him. Us being 9th on his final game was irrelevant. It was the awful football, the smarmy attitude, the excuses and criticisms and, yes, cosying up to Ashley. He praises the fans with one breath then shows a total misunderstanding of us in the next. I'm sure Bruce will, at some point in the future, turn up in the Sky Sports studios as a pundit for our game against Man Utd. "Ah well, y'know, great fans, nothing but positive to me on the streets, wish them well, but that should have been a penalty to United and Giggseh will need them to dust themselves down and roll up their sleeves"

I don't think he should win Manager of the Year, but if we were to rank the PL manager's performances, he must be top 5, right? Klopp and Guardiola are both in with a shout of a season of multiple trophies. But they've had years and millions to make it happen. Moyes has turned West Ham from a bit of a joke into a serious top half team, who could win a European title. But he built upon the work he did last season. Vieira and Frank have quietly done very well at Palace and Brentford respectively. But both are bottom half and could be overtaken by Eddie Howe's beautiful black and white bastards. Howe has worked wonders with a team that was among the favourites for the drop, no win in 12, disjointed, disorganised, unfit, unmotivated collection of individuals. They're now a squad that's within a shout of top half, is well-drilled, fit, driven and enjoying themselves. 1.45PpG, 40% Win percentage. Get that over 38 games and in an average PL season it'd get you 8th.

That's great news mate, what's his name?

True enough. I'm trying not to get too ahead of myself when it comes to predicting where we'll end up. Sure we've got a decent manager, some good players and a decent opportunity to spunk some wonga. BUT we're criminally short up front, have little depth outside the first 11, and a bottom half defence on the whole. We're not going to address all those weaknesses in the next window or two. So, I reckon, a reasonable bet would be safely nestled in the beige bosom of midtable early enough to pop on some flip flops and enjoy pressing them down on the throat of whichever team gets promoted until the struggling stops. I think Frank might survive a few games into next season, but if he continues to have a PpG of under 1, he'll be binned off sharpish. They cannot afford another season of struggling against relegation. What I come back to is this; Everton are a bigger threat to us than Fulham, Bournemouth or whoever comes up through the play offs. So if they go down, and Burnley stay up, that's better than the other way around.

All fair points and I guess it's gradations of the same argument. Everton aren't great, they're in financial trouble, they need coaching and short, medium and long term strategies to be drawn up and followed. I think they'll still be somewhere in midtable, and I think that's where we'll be aiming. If Newcastle go off and sign Bruno-level players for a few key positions and continue the improvement then yeah, sure, we could and maybe should be targeting top half. But realistically, not every transfer will be a hit, we still lack quality in defence, midfield and up front. We're a ways behind the other midtable clubs in terms of strength in depth. With Everton, I genuinely think Benitez would have had them grinding out results to have them comfortably further up the table. I think they could attract a standard of manager like Potter, or Hassenhutl (not necessarily them) and that level of manager would get their team playing more effective football than Lampard is. If they do sell Richarlison and DCL, that could be close to what, £90-100m? I dunno, I think if they go down, they're fucked. Stay up and a decent manager will right the ship.

I get it. I just think we're swapping what we'd like to happen, with what is likely to happen.

Jermain Defoe isn't it? Oh....

I think they've lurched from one style to another, they've mismanaged their finances, and haven't perhaps reacted the right way to challenges from other PL teams. However, if they keep Richarlison, DCL, and take advantage of the consistent flow of talent from their academy and so on. Get the right manager in and they could easily finish between 9th and 12th. An area that we will surely be targeting next season? Lampard has only won 3 league games, losing the other 7. In that time they've scored 9, conceding 17. They've lost all their away games in the league and shipped an average of 3 goals in each. I don't think his job is half as safe as some of you do.

When we were criticising Ashley for his neglect of the academy, we were told that we were still producing talent at a decent rate and shouldn't complain. Now that he's gone they've stuck the jalopy in reverse.

He also says we've scored something like 15 goals since Watford, 'Only 9 of them from open play'. Now, my maths might not be great but 9/15 is a pretty significant majority. And for a team plugging away at the tail end of the Premier League, that's not bad at all.

You think? I reckon they'll bin Lampard off at the end of the season. I dunno, I think if they find a good manager, they'll be much better than this season. They've enough quality and a reliable academy.

I bet you're thinking about it though. Aren't you. You're imagining a sweaty hand on top of your head firmly pushing you insistently towards that wrinkled mole rat.

Scans with how every other kid was ruining their nose in their 20s. YOU MASSIVE FUCKING NEEERRRRRDDD!!

That's fair. I guess the way I look at it is this; Everton out of the league strengthens us more comparatively than £10m in the bank. PLUS Everton fans need a season or two in the 2nd tier to realign their expectations.

Hard to talk with his cock in your mouth.

Comedy Dave doesn't seem so bad after all, now does he?

Well, why don't you just marry him if you love him so much?

Aye that throws the cat among the pigeons and no mistake. Not least because Watford and Burnley lost games that, on paper, looked like decent opportunities to pick up at least a point. However, Burnley are capable of grinding out at least a draw from their final 8 games. I think Everton will lose their next 4. If they're still within a couple of points of eachother come the final 3 games, I think it'll be Burnley that survive. I think the away fans will be begging Dubravka to throw one in the net if a Burnley win means Everton go down. Not to get too conspiratorial, but it makes sense for every midtable side to want Everton to go down. With the right manager that club could be comfortably ensconced in the middle of the league. With them out of the picture for a season at least it means an easier season for Southampton, Villa et al.

The problem with all projections, as you undoubtedly know, is that it can only use past performance and 'best guess' as a guide for what is to come. It doesn't necessarily take into account the yearly phenomenon of the form of teams with nowt to play for, suddenly becoming unpredictable. Or the performance uptick we've seen so often in Burnley towards the end of the season. All that is saying is that if things stay largely the same, the have a 1 in 3 chance of going down. But I think things won't stay largely the same. I thnk Burnley will claw their way out of it. Or, more accurately, I think Frank will steer Everton back into it.

He was on a Match of the Day Top 10 thingy and said he was nursing an injury, went off for surgery/treatment after the match. He admits he was god awful and had we been winning he'd have gone off sooner.

Aye, that reminds me of that stat Sky and BT use which makes no sense. "It's been 83 years since Brentford last won a league game at Stamford Bridge" Well, they last played a league game there in 1947 so what question does that stat answer?

I was in the East Stand for this one. Even the miserable old coots in there were tumbling over eachother and ending up three rows down.

The issue with that comes with when the shot is taken. Defender's leading foot and attackers trailing foot are slightly overlapping, therefore no daylight. I think Gemmil is right, outside the box, the lines have to be thick and drawn from feet. Inside the box, it's any body part you can legally score from.

I keep going back to their 6inarow shit. Didn't we win something like 5 in a row, and it barely registered? Because, it wasn't a season defining achievement. For them it makes up for everything else going on at their club. Finished 17th? doesn't matter we beat the Mags 6 in a row. Got relegated? doesn't matter we beat the Mags 6 in a row. Got relegated again? doesn't matter we beat the Mags 6 in a row. Choked at the play offs? doesn't matter we beat the Mags 6 in a row. Lowest finish in the club's history? doesn't matter we beat the Mags 6 in a row. Newcastle been taken over to become the richest club on the planet? doesn't matter we beat the Mags 6 in a row. It's fucking weird.