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I was sat on the edge of the bed pulling my boxers off and my wife said, "You spoil them dogs".

Ordered a Chinese takeaway and went to the door to collect it as you do and the fucking Chinese lad started screaming 'Isolate! Isolate!' I said, 'Chill oot Jackie, I only rang up for it 20 mins ago.'

Did you hear about the kiwi who slept with his sister?  He didn’t want to but she incested. 

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  • 1 month later...

A Russian and an Irish wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal. Before the final match, the Irish wrestler's trainer came to him and said 'Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has. It ties you up in knots. Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished.'
The Irishman nodded in acknowledgment.

As the match started, the Irishman and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward,grabbing the Irishman and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.
Suddenly, there was a Long, High Pitched Scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and the Irishman collapsed on top of him, making the pin and winning the match.
The trainer was astounded.When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked 'How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!'
The wrestler answered 'Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength, I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could.'
The trainer exclaimed 'Oh, so that's what finished him off?!!'
'Not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls'

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  • 2 weeks later...
  • 2 weeks later...

A small plane runs into difficulty and there's only Trump, Johnson, a couple of school kids and Jeremy Corbyn on it. They're told there's only three parachutes to be had. Straight away Trump says he's not only the president but the brightest man in his country and needs to survive and picks one up and jumps. Johnson watches him and also states he's the PM and a product of the British institution of Eton, therefore one of the greatest thinkers in the United Kingdom and must prevail, he then grabs the second and leaps to freedom and safety. Corbyn looks at the two kids, sighs and says he's had a decent life, is getting on a bit and insists the kids use the remaining parachute and he'll strap the kids together. The kids tell him that it's ok, there's still three parachutes as the brightest man in America and the greatest thinker in the the United Kingdom both grabbed their school bags. 

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5 hours ago, Howmanheyman said:

A small plane runs into difficulty and there's only Trump, Johnson, a couple of school kids and Jeremy Corbyn on it. They're told there's only three parachutes to be had. Straight away Trump says he's not only the president but the brightest man in his country and needs to survive and picks one up and jumps. Johnson watches him and also states he's the PM and a product of the British institution of Eton, therefore one of the greatest thinkers in the United Kingdom and must prevail, he then grabs the second and leaps to freedom and safety. Corbyn looks at the two kids, sighs and says he's had a decent life, is getting on a bit and insists the kids use the remaining parachute and he'll strap the kids together. The kids tell him that it's ok, there's still three parachutes as the brightest man in America and the greatest thinker in the the United Kingdom both grabbed their school bags. 

If only B)

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10 hours ago, Howmanheyman said:

A small plane runs into difficulty and there's only Trump, Johnson, a couple of school kids and Jeremy Corbyn on it. They're told there's only three parachutes to be had. Straight away Trump says he's not only the president but the brightest man in his country and needs to survive and picks one up and jumps. Johnson watches him and also states he's the PM and a product of the British institution of Eton, therefore one of the greatest thinkers in the United Kingdom and must prevail, he then grabs the second and leaps to freedom and safety. Corbyn looks at the two kids, sighs and says he's had a decent life, is getting on a bit and insists the kids use the remaining parachute and he'll strap the kids together. The kids tell him that it's ok, there's still three parachutes as the brightest man in America and the greatest thinker in the the United Kingdom both grabbed their school bags. 


Hello, is that “Have I Got News For You”? You need to hear this one!!!

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