BlueStar 0 Posted August 12, 2005 Share Posted August 12, 2005 None of these are as offensive as some I've heard! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
khay 8 Posted August 12, 2005 Share Posted August 12, 2005 None of these are as offensive as some I've heard! 11218[/snapback] sounds like a challenge that does. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Fish 9014 Posted August 12, 2005 Share Posted August 12, 2005 whats the difference between a pile of dead babies, torn apart by a maniac, headless and very obviously molested in some way.... and a brand new red cadillac? I don't have a brand new red Cadillac in my garage.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BlueStar 0 Posted August 12, 2005 Share Posted August 12, 2005 (edited) Right, I have 2 highly bad taste jokes. If I post them in this thread, with it being in the bad taste jokes thread, with a warning in the thread title, with all the naughty jokes preceeding it, simply as an example of a very bad taste joke, will people come to my house with flaming torches and lynch me, or make me feel like a really bad person? Edited August 12, 2005 by BlueStar Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
luckyluke 1 Posted August 12, 2005 Share Posted August 12, 2005 Do your worst, you big girl's blouse. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shakermaker 0 Posted August 12, 2005 Share Posted August 12, 2005 Q. how many kids woth ADHD does it take to change a light bulb ? A. lets play on bikes! Q.how many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb ? A. 2,one to change the bulb and one to suck my c***. Q.whats the difference between a lorry load of pensioners and a lorry load of sand ? A. you cant unload a lorry load of sand with a pitchfork. Q. would you rather have parkinsons or alzheimers ? A. parkinsons,i'd rather spill half me pint than forget where it was. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tom_NUFC 0 Posted August 12, 2005 Share Posted August 12, 2005 Ethel and Ernest have been married for 60 years. One day over breakfast Ernest turns to his wife and says "Ethel, there's something I really have to tell you. I'm leaving you for Doris next-door." Ethel breaks down in tears. "Why Ernest? Why?" "Well, she gives me Oral sex" he replies. "But Ernest, I've given you Oral Sex every day since we were married!" says Ethel. "I know you have, but you haven't got Parkinsons." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shakermaker 0 Posted August 12, 2005 Share Posted August 12, 2005 princess diana gets to heaven and is met by the queen mother,the queen mother says "where'd you get the halo?",diana replies "fuck off granny,it's the steering wheel" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BlueStar 0 Posted August 12, 2005 Share Posted August 12, 2005 What's pink and smells like holly? Ian Huntley's cock. What's black and leaves pints on your doorstep? Damilola Taylor Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
luckyluke 1 Posted August 12, 2005 Share Posted August 12, 2005 Not very topical, and I've heard the second one before. 4/10. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ketsbaia 0 Posted August 12, 2005 Share Posted August 12, 2005 What's pink and smells like holly? Ian Huntley's cock. What's black and leaves pints on your doorstep? Damilola Taylor 11486[/snapback] That's more like it! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Happy Face 29 Posted August 12, 2005 Share Posted August 12, 2005 What's pink and smells like holly? Ian Huntley's cock. What's black and leaves pints on your doorstep? Damilola Taylor 11486[/snapback] It's not a joke but a VERY funny story I was told tonight. My mate works in a call centre and one of the women that works there has a son that has downs syndrome. He's 22. The lady in question took said son to Flamingo land for a day out. Being 22 he wanted to investigate on his own, so she sent him on his way and said he should meet her at the entrance in an hours time. When they met at the entrance he was soaked from head to toe. She asked what happened and he said he fell in a puddle. "you never got that wet in a puddle" she said, you're soaked through man. "I did, can we go home" he responded. So she left it and off they went. Half way up the motorway the son starts shivering so she says "take your jacket off". He refuses and says he's fine but after another few miles she thinks he's going to get hypothermia so she pulls on to the hard shoulder and insists he takes his coat off. Under his coat he's got a rucksack. "Why is your rucksack under your coat?" she asks. "It's nothing. I want to go home" he responds. But she's having none of it. She opened his rucksack to find A LIVE PENGUIN. He'd stolen a penguin from Flamingo land. I don't believe this story is true but I pissed myself (I guess I'm the only one) and I thought it was in bad taste. Do Flamingo land have penguins? Apparently she rang them up and had to pay a £270 fine. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BlueStar 0 Posted August 12, 2005 Share Posted August 12, 2005 (edited) I don't believe this story is true but I pissed myself (I guess I'm the only one) and I thought it was in bad taste. Do Flamingo land have penguins? http://www.snopes.com/critters/farce/smuggled.asp Edited August 12, 2005 by BlueStar Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tom_NUFC 0 Posted August 12, 2005 Share Posted August 12, 2005 That can't be true. I mean the Penguin would be wriggling about or something. You'd notice if someone had a Penguin stuffed up their jacket wouldn't you? There are Penguins at Flamingoland though. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Happy Face 29 Posted August 12, 2005 Share Posted August 12, 2005 I don't believe this story is true but I pissed myself (I guess I'm the only one) and I thought it was in bad taste. Do Flamingo land have penguins? http://www.snopes.com/critters/farce/smuggled.asp 11491[/snapback] Nice one. Cheers. I'll tell him he's talking shite when I see him again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shakermaker 0 Posted August 12, 2005 Share Posted August 12, 2005 i've heard it where the penguin has the down syndrome bloke in a ruck sack. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
khay 8 Posted August 13, 2005 Share Posted August 13, 2005 where does princes leia going shopping ? darth maul! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dr Kenneth Noisewater 0 Posted August 13, 2005 Share Posted August 13, 2005 What's pink and smells like holly? Ian Huntley's cock. 11486[/snapback] The one I'd heard was: What's pink and smells of ginger? Fred Astaires cock But I like the update/sick twist you've put on it. There were a few 'colour' joke around at the time: What's brown and sticky? A stick Whats green and runs round your garden? A hedge Whats blue and shags old ladies? Me in my lucky blue anorak. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brock Manson 0 Posted August 13, 2005 Share Posted August 13, 2005 Whats blue and shags old ladies? Me in my lucky blue anorak. 11616[/snapback] Surely it's a cold Wayne Rooney? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jusoda Kid 1 Posted August 13, 2005 Share Posted August 13, 2005 Just seen this South Park clip, http://www.cartmanthearistocrat.com/ Left me a bit open mouthed. 10636[/snapback] Fuck me, thats savage. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BlueStar 0 Posted August 13, 2005 Share Posted August 13, 2005 It's "the aristocrats" joke, that's been an inside joke on the comedy circuit for years, as people like penn and teller would update a joke with no real punchline to try and make it as offensive as possible. i know eddy izzards got a version of it floating round on the net somewhere too. Didn't really get lots of coverage until they did the south park version of it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Happy Face 29 Posted August 14, 2005 Share Posted August 14, 2005 (edited) It's "the aristocrats" joke, that's been an inside joke on the comedy circuit for years, as people like penn and teller would update a joke with no real punchline to try and make it as offensive as possible. i know eddy izzards got a version of it floating round on the net somewhere too. Didn't really get lots of coverage until they did the south park version of it. 11648[/snapback] It's a film directed by Paul Provenza and produced by Penn Jillette (of Penn and Teller), both the South Park and eddie Izzard jokes are in it.... http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0436078/ Screened at Sundance 2005, The Aristoracts tells the story of the worlds funniest (and dirtiest) joke you've never heard before but will never forget. The joke itself is structured to have the same beginning and the same punchline at the end. Yet each comedian that tells it has their own variation on the middle. And that's where the freedom (and generally the vulgarity) comes in. My favorite renditions are by Kevin Pollak (doing a spot-on impression of Christopher Walken), Bob Saget, and Paul Reiser. Matt Stone and Trey Parker even animated a South Park version of the joke that had me laughing so hard I couldn't breathe. Paul Provenza and Penn Jillette filmed the movie over a period of 4 years and between 80 to 100 hours of DV video tape. No UK release date set yet, but I'm looking forward to it. Edited August 14, 2005 by Happy Face Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scottish Mag 3 Posted August 14, 2005 Share Posted August 14, 2005 Why do women like circumcised cocks? They can`t resist anything with 10% off.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scottish Mag 3 Posted August 14, 2005 Share Posted August 14, 2005 Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-oldgrandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh, no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong. She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "and if the fucking ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
khay 8 Posted August 16, 2005 Share Posted August 16, 2005 Say it with flowers After her fifth child, Lucy decided that she should have some cosmetic surgery "down below" to restore herself to her former youthful glory because her bomb doors were dangling a bit too low and looked like a ripped out fireplace. Time and childbirth had taken its toll and she reckoned that, with five children now being the limit, she'd tidy things with a nip here and a tuck there so it looked more like a piggy bank slot rather than a badly packed kebab. Following the operation she awoke from her anesthetic to find three roses at the end of the bed. "Who are these from?" she asked the nurse, "They're very nice but I'm a bit confused as to why I've received them." "Well" said the nurse, "The first is from the surgeon - the operation went so well and you were such a model patient that he wanted to say thanks". "Ahhh, that's really nice" said Lucy. "The second is from your husband - he's delighted the operation was such a success that he can't wait to get you home. Apparently it'll be the first time he's touched the sides for years and he's very excited!". "Brilliant!" said Lucy. "And the third?". "That's from Eric in the burns unit", said the nurse. "He just wanted to say thanks for his new ears." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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