bobbyshinton

One day, JANE met TARZAN in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and during her questions about his life she asked him how he engaged to have sex. "What's that?" he asked. She explained to him what sex was and he said, "Oh, I use a hole in the trunk of a tree." Horrified, she said, " Tarzan, you have it all wrong but I will show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothes, lay down on the ground and spread her legs. "Here," she said, "you must put it in here." Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, "What the hell did you do that for?" . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . "Just checking for bees," said Tarzan.

Boycott the Times

posted that ages ago

have a good one

Thats all.

Berb in grooming scandle! You just cant spread rumours like that! Lies

Im offski. Gym Swimming Beer for today

I've been married for four years, its me wooden aniversary. I asked woor lass for a blow job and . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . she wooden give me one.

I will not buy a paper

we know something you don't

Thought that was good in a off the wall kind of way (or fence)

A man is waiting while his wife gives birth. The doctor comes out of the theatre afterwards and informs the father that his son was born without arms, legs, or even a torso - his son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion. After 18 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the pub and tearfully tells his son he is proud of him. Dad orders up the biggest strongest drink for his son. With all the patrons looking on curiously and the barman shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoosh - a torso pops out! The bar is dead silent, then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Drink! Drink!Drink!" The barman still shakes his head in dismay. Swoosh - two arms pop out! The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Drink! Drink! Drink!" The barman ignores the whole affair. By now the son is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink, and guzzles the last of it. Swoosh - Two legs pop out! The bar is in chaos. The father thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left... then to the right... then through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs into him and kills him. The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. And the barman cleans his glasses and whistles an old Irish tune. The father looks at the barman in disbelief and asks, "How can you be so cold and callous?" . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . "That boy should have quit while he was a head," the barman replies

A man was walking along the road, when he heard chanting coming from behind a tall wooden fence. "13 13 13 13 13 13," the people were saying. "13 13 13 13 13 13," they were getting louder. Intrigued, the man tried to see over the fence, but it was too high. "13 13 13." The people had speeded up. "13 13 13." The man was now desperate to see what was happening. "13 13 13." There, a small knot hole. "13 13 13." The man pushed his face against the fence, and looked through the hole. "13 13 13." Then a finger poked him in the eye! . . . . . . . . . . . . . "14 14 14 14 14 14."

On Film on four tomorrow 9pm

A man walks into a bar and orders a 12-year-old scotch. The bartender, believing that the customer will not be able to tell the difference, pours him a shot of the cheap 3-year-old house scotch that has been poured into an empty bottle of the good stuff. The man takes a sip and spits the scotch out on the bar and screams at the bartender. "This is the cheapest 3-year-old scotch you can buy, it tastes like piss. I'm not paying for it. Now, give me a good 12-year-old scotch." The bartender, now feeling a bit of a challenge, pours him a scotch of much better quality, 6-year-old scotch. The man takes a sip and spits it out on the bar. "This is only 6-year-old scotch, it tastes like piss. I won't pay for this, and I insist on, a good, 12-year-old scotch." The bartender finally relents and serves the man his best quality, 12-year-old scotch. An old drunk from the end of the bar, who has witnessed the entire episode, walks down to the finicky scotch drinker and sets a glass down in front of him and asks, "What do you think of this?" The scotch expert takes a sip, and in disgust, violently spits out the liquid yelling "Why, this tastes like piss," The old drunk replies, . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . "That's right, now tell me how old I am."

well beat it

A teacher was saying to the class: "Children, we are all descendants of Adam and Eve." A pupil puts his hand up and says: "But miss, my mummy and daddy said we came from the apes!" To which the teacher replied: . . . . . . . . . .. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . "Stay out of this one Stevie, I'm not talking about your fucking lot!"

But younger than the berb

A man charges into a bank wearing a balaclava and wielding a handgun. He shouts 'this is a raid - everyone get on the floor!!', and proceeds to empty the cash drawers. As he runs towards the door with the loot, a brave customer yanks off his balaclava. The robber immediately shoots the customer in the head and shouts.. 'Did anybody else here see my face?'. The robber notices another customer peering from behind a counter and goes over and shoots him in the head also. 'Did anybody else see my face?' he shouts again, waving his gun around. There is silence for a few seconds before an elderly male voice is heard from a distant corner...... . . . . .. . . . . . . . . . 'I think my missus caught a glimpse....'

you will be like a Nana on the coach have fun

The man Went to the paper shop - it had blown away. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any. I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years. Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up the pillow was gone. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off. A woman told her doctor, 'I've got a bad back. 'The doctor said, 'It's old age. 'The woman said, 'I want a second opinion. 'The doctor says, 'OK. you're ugly as well. ' 'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine. 'So that was nice.' A man walked into the doctor's, The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time' The man replied, 'I know I've been ill' A man walked into the doctor's, he said 'I've hurt my arm in several places' The doctor said 'well don't go there any more' I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already. Went to the corner shop - bought 4 corners 'So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said, 'You are.' 'So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said ' Is that the local swimming baths?' He said ' It depends where you're calling from.' I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'have you got anything for wind' , so he gave me a kite. I went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, 'Go to Bournemouth, it's great for 'flu. So I went, and I got it.' I was in the attic the other day with the wife. Damp and dusty.........but she's great with the kids! So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house'. He said 'I'm not stopping you.'