Gemmill

Imagine how desperate you must be for paid work to take that gig. You know you're gonna get rinsed by pretty much everyone but you can't say no.

You mean you missed them playing the Tory Party conference, the absolute bellends?

How are you at getting jokes, would you say?

She seemed fine on the Uncloaked show. They're still pals. But aye while it was going down, I was saying to my lass that she's gonna have PTSD.

I've got Uncloaked on now.

That didn't even occur to me. I'd have been as flummoxed as her.

Unreal telly, the Traitors.

Whatever, Van Morrison.

Oof, I'm sorry to have to report that they all look the same to PaddockLad!

VAR's back and chatting shit again. Bobb offside by maybe 2 inches. A goal in any decade prior to this one.

Udogie's a full back isn't he?

Targett can't be on £100k a week surely. That dopey smile must be absolutely irresistible in a negotiation setting.

I'd have no issues with Hojbjerg on loan. Just in case anyone at the club needed my approval.

The better the player we have, the more of this is gonna go on, so people better get used to it. Good players know their worth and they make you pay for it, and they'll run the negotiations down to the wire to get what they want. The other side of this is that we'll no longer be handing ridiculous contracts to players that are doing nothing but stinking up the squad. No more pictures of some can't believe their luck no-hoper with a pen in their hand and a wtf grin on their face.

Ah fuck, sorry to hear this mate. Hope you can find something new sharpish. Absolute bullshit that a genuine skill of being multilingual has been banjaxed by technology.

As far as criminals targeting my family, it's not what any of them want to hear but I'm afraid my strict policy is that I don't negotiate with terrorists.

The thing to do is don't tell anyone and don't make any changes to your lifestyle. Stay in your job, maybe upgrade your cutlery and a couple of your power tools. But otherwise keep it entirely on the DL.

Anyone on RTG suggested they should make a play for him to replace Beale yet?

I hope they blow the title on the last day of the season. Try and see him do his farewell three pump salute to the fans in those circumstances.

Either way....

Honestly, the best thing to do is to see a financial advisor. They'll do a "financial health" type review and make sure you've got sensible life/illness insurance in place to look after your family if anything happens to you. But then they'll go through current retirement plans (hopes!) and tell you whether a) you're on track or b) you need to do x, y and z to get there. It doesn't cost you anything cos they make their money from commissions on, for example, you taking out the insurances that they recommend you to. But they'll go through and show you how your pension would kick in post retirement and what level of lifestyle it would support and for how long etc. It just means you're informed - it might be that they tell you that you're set fair and you can get whatever car you like, but at least you know. I've got a mate who does all this shit for me if you were ever interested and didnt know where to go. My advice is get all the insurances in place when you're younger and definitely BEFORE you've got a pacemaker. It doesn't matter how much I explain that my pacemaker cured my issue and I'm not at any risk, they have a box that they tick that says pacemaker and your premiums go WILD.

If he wins this tonight, the army should be promoting him to some sort of intelligence role.

Choosing a car lease payment over your pension is OK if you're in your 20s. I mean it's still wrong, but it's understandable. At your age, @Kid Dynamite, it's pension all the way I'm afraid. Join the Ford Focus club with yours truly.

I'd take it to the top of his golden escalator and let him sign out in style with a rattly luge run.