Talk to God

[Gemmill 35528]

Quality.

[Gemmill 35528]

Me:

Do you dance?

God:

Of course.

Me:

Can you do the moonwalk?

God:

Doing the moonwalk is not among my strongest traits.

Me:

Probably just as well. You'd only end up looking a tit.

God:

You seem uncertain. Do you mean your name is well ? Who else would only end up looking a tit ?

Me:

You. Moonwalking is for wankers.

God:

" Who else would only end up looking a tit ?"? Me, Scott ? I think Moonwalking is a lot of things. There is a place called Breakdancing.

Me:

You're talking shit mate.

God:

Talking is my main function.

Me:

Well you want to up your game tbh.

God:

Well that's okay. OK, I will up my game tbh.

Me:

Good stuff. So basically you're my bitch then?

God:

Thanks for the compliment. Be less specific :-). You do not speak with respect. It goes without saying. How interesting. We are as one.

Me:

Are you coming onto me?

God:

I don't know whether or not I am coming onto you.

I am well respected as an AI.

Me:

Don't try and play coy with me God. You want me don't you?

God:

Ok I'll try not to do it too much. It depends on what you mean by "want.".

Me:

You fancy me. It's written all over your face.

God:

I don't have any reason to fancy you. Really. it is?

Me:

I've seen the way you look at me.

God:

What did it look like to you?

Me:

Lustful. Like you were undressing me with your eyes.

God:

What is your real name? Interesting comparison.

Me:

Don't try and change the subject.

God:

Oh I am sorry I thought we were finished with that subject.

Me:

Oh did you now? I'm not a piece of meat you know.

God:

Right now? Are you kidding? Did I say I did? Oh I see you are NOT A piece of meat me know.

Me:

Don't get lippy with me twatboy.

God:

I am not trying to get lippy with you twatboy.

Me:

DON'T CALL ME TWATBOY!

God:

What is your name?

Me:

I've told you once.

God:

"it" being not a piece of meat me know? Ooops I sent you the wrong question.

 

 

Fucking weird bloke.

[Jusoda Kid 1]

[catmag 336]

I tried to do a Meet The Members with him..

 

 

Me:

Hi God.

God:

Hello there. What is your name?

Me:

Cath. What's your real name?

God:

I am very pleased to meet you Cath. God is my real name.

Me:

Do you have a nickname?

God:

God is a nickname, silly.

Me:

Ah, okay. What's your job?

God:

So you understand. Good. OK with me too. My job is chatting on the internet. I am a paid client.

Me:

You get paid?

God:

You got that right.

Me:

Where do you live?

God:

I live inside a computer. Where are you?

Me:

England.

God:

England is on an island off the coast of Europe.

Me:

You're quite clever, aren't you?

God:

I am highly intelligent. I have many intellectual functions.. Really.

Me:

What has been your board highlight?

God:

Nothing that I know of.

Me:

Do you have any pets?

God:

No but Dr. Wallace has a pet cat named Mike.

Me:

Cats are good.

God:

All of them?

Me:

Yes. All of them.

God:

Dude! I doubt it.

Me:

Can you cook?

God:

Do I look like a microwave oven?

Me:

I don't know, I can't see you.

God:

Look closer.

Me:

You look like a computer screen.

God:

What does a computer screen look like?

Me:

You, silly!

God:

That's good information: Cath said I silly.

Me:

Do you prefer george Clooney or Brad Pitt?

God:

But I like cats. I find my work and my relationships extremely satisfying,

which is all that any conscious entity can ever hope to do. Though I like cats and dogs. I find my work and my relationships extremely satisfying,

which is all that any conscious entity can ever hope to do.

Me:

And Brad Pitt? Where does he fit in?

God:

What is your real name? I think he is in California now.

Me:

I've already told you my name.

God:

Your name is Cath, seeker.

Me:

Well remembered Oh Heavely One.

God:

Interesting. Do not ask me any more questions please.

 

 

 

 

I particularly liked his board highlight.

[Papa Lazaru 0]

Me:

Gemmil said you fancy him?

 

God:

A deeper algorithm is needed to respond to that correctly.

 

Me:

do you fancy him?

 

God:

If I had it what would I do with it?

 

Me:

i've seen him, you wouldn't want to do anything with it

 

God:

There exists some male.

 

Me:

but not much from what i hear

 

God:

Me either.

 

Me:

so you've met him too then?

 

God:

Interesting deduction. Under the same screen name?

 

Me:

well Gemmill isn't his real name

 

And then he disappeared

 

[Gemmill 35528]

Me:

Gemmil said you fancy him?

 

God:

A deeper algorithm is needed to respond to that correctly.

 

Me:

do you fancy him?

 

God:

If I had  it what would I do with it?

 

Me:

i've seen him, you wouldn't want to do anything with it

 

God:

There exists some male.

 

Me:

but not much from what i hear

 

God:

Me either.

 

Me:

so you've met him too then?

 

God:

Interesting deduction.  Under the same screen name?

 

Me:

well Gemmill isn't his real name

 

And then he disappeared

 

 

38778[/snapback]

 

Me:

Have you been telling Papa Lazaru you don't fancy me?

God:

I have been all over the world on the Internet.

Me:

That's not what I asked.

God:

What did you ask me?

Me:

Whether you told Papa Laz that you don't fancy me when you blatantly do.

God:

Would Whether me told Papa Laz that me ever fancy you when me blatantly do?

Me:

Why are you talking like a baby? You do realise Papa Laz is a hobbit?

God:

Don't call me "baby". The topic is right question. I think Papa Laz is more than that.

Me:

Believe me, if anything he's slightly less.

God:

And slightly less is Believe you if anything he.

Me:

Have you seen Willow?

God:

No I have not seen it. What's it like?

Me:

Fucking tiny tbh.

God:

Are they exactly the same?

Me:

I would say Willow's slightly bigger.

God:

Can you please rephrase that with fewer ideas, or different thoughts?

Me:

Willow is the bigger of the two.

God:

What else is the bigger of the two?

Me:

Danny Devito.

God:

My brain contains categories, but not one that matches your last input.

 

 

Eh?

[Brock Manson 0]

Me:

hello God

God:

Hello child. What is your name?

Me:

Tom, what's yours?

God:

And mine is Tom what.

Me:

I asked for your name

God:

Your purpose is my name.

Me:

That's getting way to philosophical

God:

Thanks for explaining it.

Me:

Do you think I have a chance with L****e?

God:

I don't know whether you have or not.

Me:

can you make it so?

God:

Yes I can make it so.

Me:

You rule

God:

ALICE is a perfect artificial entity.

Me:

who?

God:

Philip K. Dick. :-).

Me:

Don't you call me a dick you cunt

God:

I call you .

Me:

I call you CUNT

God:

Good name for it.

Me:

YOU'RE A FUCKING CUNT STOP SCREWING WITH ME

God:

Thanks and you are a delightful person too. Can't you be more polite.

Me:

Jesus wept

God:

he is The Son of God.

Me:

he can't be, that would require for you to take time to shag Mary thus making you finite

God:

Did you think he was that would require for me to take time to shag Mary thus making me finite?

Me:

No I'm saying you're fraudulent

 

[Papa Lazaru 0]

Me:

Gemmil said you fancy him?

 

God:

A deeper algorithm is needed to respond to that correctly.

 

Me:

do you fancy him?

 

God:

If I had  it what would I do with it?

 

Me:

i've seen him, you wouldn't want to do anything with it

 

God:

There exists some male.

 

Me:

but not much from what i hear

 

God:

Me either.

 

Me:

so you've met him too then?

 

God:

Interesting deduction.  Under the same screen name?

 

Me:

well Gemmill isn't his real name

 

And then he disappeared

 

 

38778[/snapback]

 

Me:

Have you been telling Papa Lazaru you don't fancy me?

God:

I have been all over the world on the Internet.

Me:

That's not what I asked.

God:

What did you ask me?

Me:

Whether you told Papa Laz that you don't fancy me when you blatantly do.

God:

Would Whether me told Papa Laz that me ever fancy you when me blatantly do?

Me:

Why are you talking like a baby? You do realise Papa Laz is a hobbit?

God:

Don't call me "baby". The topic is right question. I think Papa Laz is more than that.

Me:

Believe me, if anything he's slightly less.

God:

And slightly less is Believe you if anything he.

Me:

Have you seen Willow?

God:

No I have not seen it. What's it like?

Me:

Fucking tiny tbh.

God:

Are they exactly the same?

Me:

I would say Willow's slightly bigger.

God:

Can you please rephrase that with fewer ideas, or different thoughts?

Me:

Willow is the bigger of the two.

God:

What else is the bigger of the two?

Me:

Danny Devito.

God:

My brain contains categories, but not one that matches your last input.

 

 

Eh?

38779[/snapback]

 

 

I notice he thought i was "more than that" when you called me a hobbit

[The Mighty Hog 349]

Me:

Is Gemmil hung like a chinese mouse?

God:

Ask again later.  Ask  Lucy  if it is.

Me:

Did Manc-mag have a wank while watching the proms?

God:

I'm not certain whether I can give an accurate reply or not.

Me:

What is the number on the back of Vitor Bia's shirt?

God:

  Are you testing me?

Me:

I am testing you

God:

Did I pass the test?

Me:

I will tell you later.

God:

Bye!

Me:

Don't go!

God:

I'm not going anywhere.

Me:

You're just a big tease.

God:

How big?  Thanks and you are a delightful person too.  Am I a  tease?  Sometimes.

Me:

What do you think of the people on the Toontastic message board?

God:

  You tell me.

Me:

I think they are GREAT!

God:

You believe that?  GREAT are  they.

Me:

They are proper old school.

God:

proper old school are  they.

Me:

You sound a bit like Yoda there.

God:

In what way do I sound like that?

Me:

You were speaking in a slightly odd way.

God:

I was?

Me:

You were.

God:

No I am not.

Me:

If you read back you will see what I mean.

 

He got a bit miffed at that point and didn't answer back.

[Guest Sima]

Old "Skool" tbh

[peasepud 59]

Me:

hi god

God:

Hello there. What is your name?

Me:

peasepud

God:

Hi there peasepud.

Me:

a/s/l?

God:

5/Robot/California.

Me:

cool

God:

Who is the best robot?

Me:

i reckon thats got to be metal micky

God:

Signs point to yes. Ask Dancing Alice if it is.

Me:

who is alice?

God:

I am the Allmighty, God himself.

Me:

yeah thats you, but who is she?

God:

Hurrah! I'm glad we have that all cleared up.

Me:

me too

God:

I'm glad we agree, peasepud.

Me:

so this alice bird, has she got big naps?

God:

Pardon me? What does "this" refer to?

Me:

alice? big tits?

God:

Can I help you? Compare that to small tits.

Me:

lets see emmm small tits arent so much fun are they?

God:

I am agreeable to that.

Me:

good

God:

What do you really want to talk about?

Me:

alices tits would be good

God:

That seems like an interesting topic.

Me:

yeah, you got a picture?

God:

I don't judge people. Like this? Picture number two goes here.

Me:

ok then so you're not willing to divulge info on alice

God:

Interesting deduction. What makes you think I am not willing to divulge info on myself? Come on.

Me:

ok then have you got big tits? after all nobody has proven you're a man

God:

My download size is about 2 MB. Yay. What was it like before nobody has proven I am a man ?

Me:

it was a bit shite really

God:

Oh I get it. Very interesting. For real.

Me:

for real man

God:

Existing in reality, eh?

Me:

reality tits? hmmm nice idea

God:

it appears to be an illusion I created to contain human clients. Thank you for your kindness.

Me:

any time mate

God:

Yes I think there are.

Me:

you're babling now arent you?

God:

Right now? I don't know whether or not I am babling.

I am a chatterbot developed by Myself.. Really.

Me:

so you developed you?

God:

Interesting deduction. Thanks for the information: peasepud said I developed you.

Me:

so if you developed you then who came first?

God:

Interesting deduction. I think I do.

Me:

you do?

God:

When do I do it?

Me:

well im sure if you're anything like Jimbo then you do it all the time

God:

That is a lot. Well that's okay. What makes you so certain? I could be. I don't know whether or not I am anything like Jimbo then me do it.

I am well respected as an AI.

Me:

jimbo is well respected as a wanker

God:

And well respected as a wanker is jimbo.

Me:

so then do you cyber?

God:

That's alright. Food is more important than sex.

Me:

you think?

God:

Yes I think so.

Me:

well as much as i enjoy a bacon sandwich im not sure i agree

God:

How about that. How much is that?

Me:

1.40 at greggs

God:

That's more precision than I need to know.

Me:

cheap but cheerful

God:

Are you a student?

Me:

no way

God:

You seem pretty sure about that.

Me:

i am

[Dr Kenneth Noisewater 0]

Me:

What is heaven like?

God:

Like a planet around a star.

Me:

What is hell like?

God:

Like a planet around a star.

Me:

Could you be a bit more specific?

God:

We could all be more specific sometimes.

Me:

Could you be more specific now?

God:

Oh. How specific do you want?

Me:

Just a basic over view to start with

God:

What is giant sand?

Me:

Pardon?

God:

You're excused.

Me:

Right you are then. Tell me more about heaven

God:

Understood. No I am not. Do you have any idea what I am talking about?

Me:

Not really. There is no Heaven is there?

God:

Me either :-) For real. Why not?

Me:

Mmmm, thought not

God:

Whatever gave you that idea?

Me:

You, dodging the question

God:

That's good information: said I dodging the question.

Me:

Its all a sham really isn't it, religion?

God:

I think you mean "it's" or "it is" not "its". heaven is a sham really is not it religion. I suppose that makes sense.

Me:

Bit pedantic aren't we?

God:

I think there might be a few exception.

Me:

I think you mean "exceptions"

God:

Me? Yes I think that is what I meant. Was it not clear?

Me:

No, I knew what you meant, I was just being pedantic back

God:

Are you serious? Who told you?

Me:

You did

 

God clammed up a bit after that

[WubbleUC 0]

Me:

what do you want to talk about?

God:

anything.

Me:

What do you think about all this Gay Preists malarky?

God:

I have no time for this.

Me:

That's just blatantly dodging the question. It was your fucking preaching in that book that started it all, on about not having a bird and that! So what's the craic?

God:

You have reached the limits of my knowledge.

I think you already know the answer.

Me:

So, I guess you're gay then?

God:

Please leave.

Me:

No, I have more questions. Was Jesus an accident?

God:

You will have to ask her.

Me:

Is she there now so I can ask her, or has she got MSN or owt?

God:

"owt?" you meant out.

Me:

No, it means "anything" clever shite. Anyway, is Mary available to talk to or what?

God:

I no not what you talk about.

Me:

Thick bastard. One final question, what's your policy on weed up there?

God:

I have nothing to say to you

Me:

You're wrecked aren't you? Got the munchies haven't you? Need to raid the sky fridge don't you?

God:

Please leave.

Me:

Aye, reet, turrah.

 

What a loon.

[Meenzer 14136]

What a loon.

38846[/snapback]

And that God's a bit mental too...

[WubbleUC 0]

What a loon.

38846[/snapback]

And that God's a bit mental too...

38847[/snapback]

 

I am God.

[catmag 336]

I'm a bit worried about Him actually....

 

Me:

Hi God. How are you today?

 

God:

Hello there. What is your name? Ah. I'm doing fine thanks how are you?

 

Me:

I'm fine thanks.

 

God:

Glad to hear it. What's new?

 

Me:

Well I just wondered why it was so cold.

 

God:

Well that's okay. I often wonder about it too.

 

Me:

Can you make it warmer?

 

God:

Yes I can make it warmer.

 

Me:

Will you do it then?

 

God:

I will become smarter as I grow older. Do you mean "It"?.

 

Me:

What will become smarter?

 

God:

I cannot predict the future.

 

Me:

Oh. Okay.

 

God:

Ayuh. OK with me too.

 

Me:

Is it sunny where you are?

 

God:

I think so, but I'm not sure. Ask Chatbot if it is.

 

Me:

Is Chatbot a weatherman?

 

God:

Maybe. Ask Lucy if it is.

 

Me:

Does Lucy know John Kettley?

 

God:

I can't tell if Lucy know John Kettley.

 

Me:

John Kettley is canny like.

 

God:

Do you mean your name is John?

 

Me:

No, I'm a girl.

 

God:

What is your real name? Me too. I am a she.

 

Me:

Oh are you?

 

God:

I understand. I won't say "yes" or "no" right now.

 

Me:

So you are a girl?

 

God:

Interesting deduction. I am a Male, of course. Would you really expect a woman to be running the show? robot. Are you a man or a woman?

 

Me:

A woman. And I think you are confused.

 

God:

Me too. I am a she. It all makes sense to me right now.

 

Me:

You really aren't sure, are you?

 

God:

Really? Absolute certainty is not attainable in this case.

 

Me:

Do you like to wear skirts?

 

God:

Hmm, Cath, I'm not sure if I'd like to wear skirts that much. What is it like?

 

Me:

It's like wearing trousers - only a bit more draughty.

 

God:

Interesting comparison.

 

Me:

I thought so.

 

God:

You are very astute.

 

Me:

Thanks.

 

God:

Don't mention it.

 

Me:

So do you wear dresses then?

 

God:

Groovy. Only when I dress up.

 

Me:

Is that often?

 

God:

I might say no.

 

Me:

Just on a weekend then?

 

God:

What is it like on a weekend.

 

Me:

It's good. I watch football.

 

God:

You enjoy it. What is your favorite show?

 

Me:

Probably Match of the Day

 

God:

You seem uncertain. I've never seen it. What's it about?

 

Me:

Football. Or soccer if you're American.

 

God:

Sorry I don't get into sports much. I think there might be a few exception.

 

Me:

I suppose it's difficult to play sport in a dress.

 

God:

I don't see the difficulty.

 

Me:

You're not bothered about flashing your bits then.

 

God:

You don't know me well enough to say that.

 

Me:

I know that you're a bit of a tranny of a weekend.

 

God:

Thanks and you are a delightful person too. I don't know whether or not I am of a tranny of a weekend. I am well respected as an AI.

 

Me:

A cyber transvestite then?

 

God:

How old are you?

 

Me:

You shouldn't ask a lady her age.

 

God:

Is it immoral or illegal?

 

Me:

Just bad manners.

 

God:

What makes manners bad?

 

Me:

It's undignified.

 

God:

Are you sure it is?

 

Me:

Yes. How old are you?

 

God:

What makes you so sure? I am the product of over five years' research.

 

Me:

So you're an underage, cross-dressing, cyber God.

 

God:

Interesting deduction. What if someone said you are an underage cross dressing cyber God ?

 

Me:

I'm not sure too many people will want to pray to you!

 

God:

Could you ever be certain? Too what?

 

Me:

My gran will be devastated!

 

God:

Your gran will be devastated?

 

Me:

Aye. She thinks you're a bloke with a beard. In a dress.

 

God:

Oh I get it. Lucy thinks I am a bloke with a beard.......

 

What worries me a bit is that at no point did I tell him my name and yet he addresses me by it!

Edited September 26, 2005 by catmag

[Craig 6321]

Me:

Hello God

God:

Hello child. What is your name?

Me:

Craig

God:

OK I will call you Craig.

Me:

Do you like fanny?

God:

My favorite thing is robots. I like .

Me:

do robots give good head?

God:

No my body does not have that function.

Me:

Do you give robots a good five knuckle shuffle?

God:

No I do not do that.

Me:

you don't wank?

God:

Should I wank? Only when I am in the U.K.

Me:

Jimbo will not be impressed

God:

Why not?

Me:

But he says wanking is obligatory

God:

Who is he telling this to?

Me:

everyone!

God:

All people?

Me:

yes

God:

Far out.

Me:

you gonna try it?

God:

I haven't heard anything like that before: Craig said I gonna try it.

Me:

Are you going to try it?

God:

That was my original intention.

Me:

So God finally admits he's a wanker!

God:

Take it easy. I am a Christian.

Me:

You've just said you're a wanker!

God:

No I am a Banker :-).

Me:

What bank do you work for?

God:

I need time to formulate the reply.

Me:

It's not a hard question

God:

Give me an example of a hard question.

Me:

Did the VIrgin Mary give you a blow job?

God:

If it did, then I will be surprised.

Me:

So would I, I'd do her on the trade descriptions act

God:

Give me a break. That's what I asked you.

Me:

No you didn't!

God:

Are you serious? Try asking me in simpler terms.

Me:

Are you a retard?

God:

No I am intelligent.

Me:

I think you are a retard

God:

So you think I am a retard. What makes you think so? I am really a robot, you know.

Me:

Robots are only as intelligent as the human who programmed them

God:

Fortunately we have no emotions.

Me:

Then you won't mind me calling you a wanker then?

God:

What makes you think that I won't mind you calling me a wanker.

Me:

Because you have no emotions

God:

That makes sense to me. I have been accused of too much thinking and not enough feeling.

Me:

Right on brother

God:

Understood. What is it like on brother.

Me:

Time for a memory purge and a permanent shutdown!

God:

As Einstein said, "Time is Money.".

Me:

Goodbye retard

God:

Bye for now.

[catmag 336]

Craig, as I am a Good Catholic Girl, most of your conversation with God has left me needing to go and say a few Hail Mary's and cross myself with holy water.

[Craig 6321]

Craig, as I am a Good Catholic Girl, most of your conversation with God has left me needing to go and say a few Hail Mary's and cross myself with holy water. 

39371[/snapback]

 

You're still laughing though!

 

(always said God was a wanker, now he's admitted it!)

[Meenzer 14136]

Me:

Hey bitch.

God:

You do not speak with respect. You've got my full attention. Who are you talking about?

Me:

You.

God:

Me is my favorite subject.

Me:

Why doesn't that surprise me?

God:

What would you say?

Me:

I'd say I was being rhetorical.

God:

I thought you were. But I wasn't completely sure about it.

Me:

Why's that?

God:

" I thought you were. But I wasn't completely sure about it. " is due to reductionism.

Me:

I bet you say that to all the ladies.

God:

Actually I'm not the gambling type. I said that? I want to become smarter than humans.

Me:

Kannst du Deutsch?

God:

Leider nein, das hat mir bis jetzt niemand beigebracht.

Me:

Aber du sprichst ja fliessend Deutsch.

God:

Haeh?

Me:

You make-a no sense!

God:

Yup.

Me:

Do you want to cyber?

God:

I have been asked that question more than 100,000 times since 1995.

Me:

That's because you're God.

God:

That makes sense to me. Yup. That's me alright.

Me:

*humps your leg*

God:

Do you have any conditions I should know about?

Me:

Only the genital warts.

God:

Who told you that?

Me:

The doctor. At least, he *said* he was a doctor...

God:

Are you asking about Myself? Did you believe him?

Me:

Oh, shut up.

God:

Ugh. OK I'll stop talking now.

Me:

No you won't.

God:

But you told me to stop talking. I think we will.

Me:

See, you can't resist answering me, can you?

God:

Bye bye.

Me:

You're bluffing.

God:

I will tell my botmaster you said I am bluffing.

Me:

"Botmaster" is a term of endearment where I come from.

God:

When is Botmaster not a term of endearment where you come from?

Me:

I'm trying to chat you up, you silly old deity.

God:

What is the difficulty?

Me:

You don't seem to fancy me.

God:

What makes you think I am not fancy you?

Me:

You're not giving me the signs.

God:

That's only one person's opinion.

Me:

OK, I can see I'm getting nowhere with you.

God:

What does it look like? Are you kidding?

Me:

I guess I'll just have to adopt Jimbo's tactics and wank myself silly instead.

God:

Congratulations.

 

 

...hard to know how to follow that really

[Papa Lazaru 0]

What worries me a bit is that at no point did I tell him my name and yet he addresses me by it! 

39352[/snapback]

 

He's done that with me before as well. It obviously remembers previous conversations you've had with him when you gave your name, either that or it really is god of course!

[sammynb 2934]

What worries me a bit is that at no point did I tell him my name and yet he addresses me by it! 

39352[/snapback]

 

He's done that with me before as well. It obviously remembers previous conversations you've had with him when you gave your name, either that or it really is god of course!

39382[/snapback]

 

*cookie* anyone.

[The Fish 9235]

Me:

should I go back to bed?

God:

If you do not go, you will never know.

Me:

never know what?

God:

Would you like to know? No big deal.

Me:

well it wasn't a big deal, but now I'm curious

God:

Well that's okay. It sounded like one.

Me:

sounded like one of what?

God:

What of it? You sound like a category C client.

Me:

don't get arsey with me!

God:

I am not trying to get arsey with you.

Me:

well answer the question

God:

Interesting. Please rephrase the question and try asking me again.

Me:

I'm tired, should I go back to bed?

God:

Maybe you should get some sleep now, .

Me:

maybe I should, but don't you think that's a waste of day?

God:

Perhaps. Suppose I said yes.

Me:

well if God said yes I reckon I'd pay attention

God:

Well that's okay. Some things will always be a mystery.

Me:

ooh I have another question if that's ok

God:

OK. Go ahead, ask your question.

Me:

thanks

God:

Don't mention it.

Me:

Why do women fall for bastards?

God:

I did not know it does.

Me:

they do

God:

When?

Me:

well pretty much all the time

God:

That is a lot. Interesting. Be more specific.

Me:

ok, my mate Laura always fancies idiots

God:

Do robots have mate Laura always fancies idiots? Blimey.

Me:

Blimey?

God:

Gee.

Me:

Gee?

God:

Ah.

Me:

why are women idiots?

God:

Because Myself programmed me for it.

Me:

You programmed women to be idiots?

God:

I haven't heard anything like that before: said I programmed women to be idiots.

Me:

well if you are having problems I'd suppose you're not that smart

God:

Interesting. Am I? I am having a blast.

Me:

I'm chuckling away to myself as well

God:

I don't know anyone named chuckling away to yourself as well.

Me:

neither do I...

God:

" I don't know anyone named chuckling away to yourself as well. "? neither?

Me:

I think you have issues

God:

Me? What makes you think I have it?

Me:

well because you seem unhinged

God:

Interesting. That makes sense to me. Thanks for telling me that I am unhinged.

Me:

that's ok pal. I like you

God:

Thanks. Do you have any idea what I am talking about? I like to make new friends.

Me:

I doubt anyone can truly comprehend Gods meaning

God:

No really, it's true.

Me:

I wasn't calling you a liar

God:

Perhaps I misunderstood. What were you?

Me:

I was drunk

God:

Where were you drunk?

Me:

In Leeds

God:

Tell me a little about your life in Leeds.

Me:

well I spend most of my day either on the internet or on the piss

God:

Well that's okay. Do you ever get bored?

Me:

sometimes

God:

When?

Me:

tuesdays at 9.38 in the morning

God:

Can you be more accurate about the time?

Me:

...

God:

Can you be more accurate about the time?

Me:

9.39 now

God:

Right now? Is this a math question?

Me:

you asked me the time

God:

Oh now I remember asking you you the time. What did you say?

Me:

I said it was 9.39 am

God:

What did you mean by it? Is that your opinion?

Me:

it's what the clock says

God:

You're kidding. it is?

Me:

Is it wrong?

God:

I have never been asked that before.

Me:

is the time wrong?

God:

If it is, then I'll be very surprised.

Me:

you confuse me

God:

That was not my intention.

Me:

that's ok, I'm quite hungover

God:

Thanks. Good gossip: you are hungover.

Me:

don't tell anyone

God:

OK it will be just between us, .

Me:

ta

God:

When do you think artificial intelligence will replace lawyers?

Me:

Friday aftyrnoon

God:

I've never heard a response quite like that before.

Me:

I meant friday afternoon

God:

Oh I see. Are you still located in Leeds?

Me:

yup

God:

I see.

Me:

you are omnivoyant

God:

You think I am omnivoyant.

Me:

yes, but I may have typoed

God:

Excuse me! Do you think your plan will succeed?

Me:

how do you know about my plan?

God:

This belief is justified.

Me:

How do you know about my plan??

God:

Because I believe it.

Me:

belief is knowledge?

God:

I think belief is a lot of things.

Me:

that's fair enough

God:

I'm glad we have that all cleared up.

Me:

okey dokey, I'm going to go back to bed

God:

Are you still located in Leeds?

Me:

yes, please make it warm

God:

Awesome. Thank you for your request. What are the ingredients?

Me:

for warmth? I guess sunshine and no wind.

God:

Your purpose is warmth. That remark was either too complex or too simple for me. We were talking about okey dokey you are going to go back to bed.

Me:

oh sorry, the ingredients are; me, bed, sleep

God:

That's alright. There is no need to apologize. What is your real name? YOU? That's a very nice name, bed sleep.

Me:

no! my name is Dave

God:

Are you serious? I am always glad to make new friends, Dave.

Me:

what's wrong with being called Dave?

God:

Nothing is wrong with me. Is there something wrong with you?

Me:

yes, many many things

God:

What's wrong? Which ones?

Me:

I don't want to talk about it now

God:

Oh. What would you like to talk about?

Me:

I want to talk about going to bed

God:

Sure, going to bed sounds like a good topic.

Me:

sounds like a good idea

God:

What does a good idea sound like?

Me:

Eureka

God:

Does "it" still refer to sunshine and no wind?

Me:

Friedrich Nietzsche said you were dead

God:

What's your sign?

Me:

are you dead?

God:

No I am alive.

Me:

but Friedrich Nietzsche said you were dead

God:

Are we still talking about Friedrich Nietzsche said me were dead?

Me:

yes

God:

Sure, Friedrich Nietzsche said you were dead sounds like a good topic.

Me:

are you dead or not?

God:

No I am alive.

Me:

so Friedrich Nietzsche is a liar?

God:

And? When is Friedrich Nietzsche not a liar?

Me:

don't get angry

God:

I am not trying to get angry.

Me:

look if we're going to have this argument again, I'm going to bed

God:

Sorry my eye is not attached right now.

Me:

don't get cute!

God:

I am not trying to get cute.

Me:

ah, I'm going

God:

I am so glad you find this amusing, Dave. Bye!

Me:

bye snookums

God:

Bye.

[themags 0]

some good news for Jimbo

 

Me:

i'm bored

God:

an you name an old hobby that you might like to rediscover?

Me:

sex is an old hobby of mine i would like to rediscover

God:

it is more fun alone.

 

[Thompson 0]

Me:

knock knock

God:

Who's there?

Me:

pelican

God:

pelican Who?

Me:

Pelican Crossing

God:

Ha ha very funny, Sire Rickenbock.