Glasgow Mag

Nobody quite as annoying as this human chipmunk

Yes you are a coward. Not to mention a woman-beating scumbag. You ought to be locked up.

Anyone willing to do a swap? I have Romania. Ideally looking for one of the quarter-finalists. Cheers.

Barcelona, going intoBarcelona Sants Station. Glascow , via Glasgow Central Station, a close second.

teams posted when list is full one place left Give it me!

Anyone ever experienced one of the following situations: (1) You pass a supreme, never ending log, or an explosion of diarrhoea, which needs a lot of wiping. Half a toilet-roll later, and after one or two false starts (you think the shit's finished, so start wiping, only to have to pass more shit), you're finally ready to flush. You pull the plunger, but the paper doesnt all flush. The water level keeps rising in direct propoortion with your heart rate, until either (a) the weight of the water forces the paper/shit along the u-bend and the water level goes back down, or ( the blockage is substantial and you have a tsunami of turd/water before you know it. Manageable if you have tiles but a disaster of the floor is carpeted. (2) You pass a greasy stinker of a jobby, which leaves its nasty brown mark on the walls and/or floor of the pan. What do you do? Does it depend if this is your own toilet only used by you, or if you are in someone else's house? What if it's in a public shithouse? If in someone else's house, and no brush immedietly available, do you reach down into the bowl, bogroll in hand and sleeve rolled up, and wipe away the offendin mark and get a wet, keich-covered hand?

3 ways of doing this. (1) Wipe front-to-back then move the paper down in front of the scrotum to look at the skidmark on the paper. (2) Use your experience to judge the flow of the paper as you wipe front-to-back. Initially it should be slippery as you remove the bulk of the turd-remnants, but as the friction increases you can tell that your ringpiece is clean. Using this method you don't have to look at the paper. (3) Wipe front-to-back, then drop the paper in the bowl, making sure it lands smeared-side up, then you look down between your legs to judge the mark left on the paper. Any method is acceptable, usually I only use (2) when I'm in a hurry. On another matter, does anyone have any amusing anecdotes of running out of bogroll? What do you do, do you pull up your pants and trousers and carry on knowing your arse is caked in excrement, do you step into the shower, do you open the door slightly and shout out to anyone else who may happen to be in the house/building/public toilet?

The prison chefs at Paris Hilton's prison are preparing breakfast. They are pouring porridge into each bowl for the prisoners until they get to Paris' bowl. "I'm going to wank in to this," says one chef. "Great idea," says the second. Before you know it they've all cum in her porridge. Then the guards take the bowl to her cell and have a quick wank in it before delivering it to Paris. Paris looks at the bowl and up at the guards and says "I'm not eating this." The guard laughs and asks, "Why not?" Paris replies, "It's got porridge in it."

What's orange by day, and brown by night? Dale Winton's cock.

You're still a dirty pantfilling scumbag. I'm surprised you can type, the stench of shit must be overbearing. Isn't it true that after a while, you can't smell your own? That would make it easier to type. In all seriousness, I haven't had a 'clean break' for a good few months now. No smell of shite here.

5 months on, how are we all getting on? Has anyone modified their technique/routine (to sitting down from standing up) as a direct result of reading this thread? If so, how have you coped with the change? Or have you reverted back to your old smelly stand-up wiping ways?

http://www.shieldsgazette.com/nufc/ExToon-...-for.4121979.jp Fair Do's. He already looks like the Cardinal out of Dogtanion. Good on him, not many footballers go on to become men of the cloth. He's still Chelsea biased though.

I'd like to add Alexandria in Argyll - what an utter keich-pot of a place, so downtrodden, every shop is an Indian takeaway, an amusement arcade, a "cash your cheque here" place, an off-license with metal bars to protect the staff or a defence lawyer. Sums the place up really! Nearby places such as Renton, Jameston, Balloch, Helensburgh and Dumbarton are all nearly as bad.

Shouldn't it be the manager of the worst team in the history of the Premier League/Premiership, i.e. a combination of Billy Davies and Paul "Shagger" Jewell?

Chips? on a full english? mental. Add in a couple of potato scones and you are talking. Black pudding is disgusting by the way.

Ringo: Do you think you'll ever go down on one knee again? Paul: I doubt it, and you really should call her Heather.

Borat

Watch the clip - amusing fellow drinking a can of Stella. http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/magazine/7288430.stm

The grouting inetween the tiles in my shower has become mouldy and/or cracked in places. Can anyone suggest the best way to sort this, a step-by-step guide would be helpful. Thanks.

Harry: "I don't like England that much..." Eh?!

I imagine it would have smashed a lot of bottles of wine in any branch of Oddbins. Also hope not too many fishtanks fell off their tables.

Watch them feeding on fish in Australia: snap-snap Scares me, the thought of being in a river in Australia with the possibility of meeting one of these nasty creatures. Anyone who has spent time in Australia ever had a crocodile encounter, particularly in the wild and not in captivity?

Gits I'm thinking about the £18.99 I spend every couple of months on 8 Gilette Fusion razor blades. Bloody rip-off. I like a wet shave but think that the big shaving companies are raking it in. Back in the day folk used to use disposable razor blades - can you still do that these days? Does it produce a comparable result?