bobbyshinton

The doctor gave Joe the news. "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one heckuva headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles." Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need - a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said. Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeve and 16-1/2 neck." It fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see...size 36." Joe laughed "Ah ha! gotcha! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old." The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. Size 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one heckuva headache." New suit £400 New shirt £36 New underwear £6 Second Opinion: PRICELESS!

go on then call it a draw

I'm veggie you mong Even when I wasn't though, I would have avoided tinned meat. Name me one chilli eating veggie cowboy Calamity Jane? Name me one straight bloke with 3 cats Tarzan

I'm veggie you mong Even when I wasn't though, I would have avoided tinned meat. Name me one chilli eating veggie cowboy Calamity Jane?

what goes oooooooooooooooooooooooo a cow with no lips what goes aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa a sheep with no lips

Gollyhonkey?

2 canibals eating a clown. The first one says "does this taste funny to you?"

Trueman?

A tin (not lager)

These lads for me

cheese shop in the grainger market

I had met someone on N-O without them nowing who I was. The went to school with woor youngen

I'm always damp when I'm near you Or is it cos I'm incontinent

Bloke with a dog walks into a Seaburn pub one saturday evening and the locals are all watching the results come in on Sky. "How did the Mackems get on?" he asks the barman, and he replies "They lost 3-0 mate" Suddenly the dog rolls over on it's back howling like mad. "What's he doing?" asks the barman. "Don't worry fella" said the dog owner "He does that every time they get beat" "Really?" asks the barman, "So what does he do when they win?" . . . . . . . . . . . . . . "Ain't got a clue fella" says the dog owner "I've only had him 18 months......"

Aye the shop. Full of gadgets etc. Not the travel agents

After her fifth child, Carol decided that she should have some cosmetic surgery "down below" to restore herself to her former youthful glory - cos her gammon was dangling a bit too low and looked like a ripped out fireplace. Time and childbirth had taken its toll and she reckoned that, with five children now being the limit, she'd tidy things with a nip here and a tuck there so it looked more like a piggy bank slot, rather than a badly packed kebab. Following the operation she awoke from her anaesthetic to find three roses at the end of the bed. "Who are these from ?" she asked the nurse, "They're very nice but I'm a bit confused as to why I've received them." "Well" said the nurse, "The first is from the surgeon - the operation went so well and you were such a model patient that he wanted to say thanks" "Ahhh, that's really nice" said Carol "The second is from your husband - he's delighted the operation was such a success that he can't wait to get you home. Apparently it'll be the first time he's touched the sides for years and he's very excited!". "Brilliant!" said Carol. "And the third?" "That's from Eric in the burns unit" said the nurse. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . "He just wanted to say thanks for his new ears."

If it closed. For me it would be Slaters, get most of my suits there. Rob W remember Callers?

Bacon Sarnie Fish n Chips Curry Garlic and it makes me smile. Cannot be any better food smells (not including after recycling)

Oh dear. I was looking to piss off early today but I've just been given a job to sort out that might take me a while. BASTIDS! GOOD!!!! No one should be allowed to leave work early today, no one!! laddered your tights

Stop being a fucking stupid cunt and get on with your weekend. Mine starts 14.00 today off to gym 16.00 Beehive 17.45 Revolution Saturday Town match, drinks in the clock Meal on drink again. Sunday Gym Papers n sarney telly back to monday

thats what I thought....................... nice to be nice

Ramblers. beware some dodgy gadgies on and around. Was there in September and got a machete pulled on me Thats one twat who is going to get a lamping next year.

Mother should have slapped the little bastards. Posh, working class, royalty no need for bad mannered bairns. Brought mine up to respect people and posessions

You've been DYING to say that since you thought of it on the plane, haven't you? What's are you doing in first class btw? Unless Piers and Hugo were slumming it. I only came up with it as I sat down to start the thread man. It was inspired though, so I can see how you thought it was pre-meditated. Hugo and Piers were slumming it tbh. This company I works for will only pay for economy - it's one of the reasons I'm looking for a new job. I'm all about the business class tbh. It's only the KLM flight from Amsterdam to Newcastle though, so the first 4 seats (which are identical to all the others on the plane) are business class. I was in row 5 (seething with jealousy) and as if to rub it in the stewardess comes along and pulls across a 6 inch high curtain that goes from the top of the chair in front to the ceiling, but only pulls across as far as the seats go. I felt like saying "You do realise I can still see what you're getting up to by looking down the aisle don't you? Bitch!" Back Page. jobs section, evening chronicle last nite