bobbyshinton

MERRY CHRISTMAS AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR An Englishman, Irishman and a Scottish are stranded in the middle of the desert. Tired and hungry, they stumble upon a gold lamp. The English man picks it up, and rubs it down. To their shock, a purple mist appears from the nossle and a Genie appears before them. "At last, after 200 years I am finally free!" The Genie exclaims. "For releasing me from my prison, I will grant you each a wish. However, you will remain in a locked cell for 50 years with this wish." Out of nowhere, 3 cells appear in the desert. The Geneie asks the Englishman: "What is your wish?" "I want a gorgeous lady with big tits!" He remarks. "Very well." The Genie replies. With a clap of his hands, a stunning blonde appears in the first cell. The English man rushes in without a second thought. The Genie closes the cell door and locks it. He asks the Scottish man: "I want 50 years supply of wiskey!" Again, the genie claps his hands and stacks of wiskey appear in the second cell. The Scottish man is locked in the cell. The Genie asks the Irish man: "I want 50 years supply of cigarettes!" The cigarettes appear in the cell and the Irish man is then locked in. 50 years pass and the Genie returns to the cells. He opens the door to the English man's cell. The room is full with babies and children. The English man, lying down with the beautiful woman, smiles at the Genie and thanks him for the 50 years. The Genie goes to the Scottish man's cell. The Scottish man is on the floor - mindlessly drunk with wiskey and obviously near death asfter 50 years of hard drinking. The Genie opens the door to the Irish man's cell. The Irish jumps up from the floor and says: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . "Have you got a light?"

drink alco pops (apart from the G man)

im 16 and am aboot 5"3. been small all me life and have waited every summer for my growth spurt. all but given up hope. best i can hope for is 5"5, 5"6 at a push but you're covered in fur and cannot be fed after midnight

Under 5' 6" tall come on titch own up

Begging to be ripped to shreds there mate I'm a domestic god tbh. I don't piss on the toilet seat or ANYTHING! Just had me finance meeting in the Apartment, aged debt seems ok

Three old football fans are in a church, praying for their teams. The first one asks, "Oh Lord, when will Newcastle next win the League?". God Replies, "In the next five years" "But I'll be dead by then", says the man. The second one asks, "Oh Lord, when will the Boro win the FA cup?". The Good Lord answers, "In the next ten years". "But I'll be dead by then", says the man. The third one asks, "Oh Lord, when will Scumberland get back into the Premier League?". God Answers, . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . "I will be dead by then!" go on fuck yourselfs Mackem Bastards

I was paying homage to our Southern friends and no matter how many times you refer to the "Kevin and Perry " photos I can assure you there is no touch of ging in me Mongface ???? would be if you give him halve a chance

Me me me!!! But only if I can take a picture of my cock with a santa helmet on and post it? Clarify, you or the cock with the hat on

Howay man who's up for it?

Not one nomination, I'm gutted.

have a good one G man.

What has Rob W's son got to do with it? Herzlichen Glückwunsch! Is Rob still about?

was the help of the naughty boy's not enough?

Two Irish couples agree to swap partners for the night. After 3 hours of amazing sex Paddy says to Murphy.... . . . . . . . . . . . . "I wonder how the women are getting on!"

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company. One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch. The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?" Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!”, says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!" Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine! Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says, . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . "Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard! Moral of this story.... Don't mess with old farts........age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Brilliance only comes with age and experience.

Gemmill was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful Princess, I will stay with you for one week." Gemmill took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a Princess, I'll give you a blow job whenever you want." Again Gemmill took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally the frog asked, "What is it? I've told you I'm a beautiful Princess, that I'll blow you as often you want. Why won't you kiss me?" Gemmill said, . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . "Look, I'm a ginger accountant. I don't have time for girls, but a talking frog is really cool."

Please god not in town. People have business's to protect.

How about we decide on a day and time (workday) where we all wear santa hats, take pic and post them. We all have a drink at the same time pic n post. Pop a party popper pic n post. or am I just a daft twat

Sorry Rents. Renton is walking along Waaalsend High Streets and a knockout looking Waaalsend pross catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the Pross, "How much do you charge?" Pross replies, "It starts at £500 for a hand-job." Renton says, "£500! For a hand-job! Holy crap. No hand-job is worth that kind of money!" The pross says, "Do you see that papershop on the corner?" "Yes." "Do you see the papershop about a 1/2 mile further down?" "Yes." "And beyond that, do you see that third papershop?" "Yes." "Well," says the pross, smiling invitingly, "I own Those. And, I own them because I give a hand-job that's worth £500." Renton says, "What the hell? You only live once. I'll give it a try." They retire to a nearby hotel. A short time later, Renton is sitting on the bed realizing that He just Experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth Every bit of £500. He is so amazed, he says, "I suppose a blow- job is £1,000?" The Pross replies, "£1,500." "I wouldn't pay that for a blow-job!" The pross replies, "Step over here to the window, Big boy. Do you see them 3 boozers just across the Street? I own them boozers outright. And I own them because I give A blow-job that's worth every penny of £1,500." Renton, basking in the afterglow of that terrific Hand-job, decides to put off the new car for another Year or so, and says, "Sign me up." Ten minutes later, He is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He Can scarcely believe it but He feels he truly got his money's worth. He decides to dip into the retirement Savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience. He asks the pross, "How much for some fanny?" The pross says, "Come over here to the window, I want To show you something. Do you see how the whole of Waaalsend is laid out before us, all those beautiful lights, bookies, and pound shops?" "Damn!" Renton says, in awe, "You own the whole of Waaalsend?" "No," the pross replies, . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . "but I would if I had a fanny."

double invites I hope By the way that was not a joke. True story from Mr S

Driving home to Waaaalsend last night. The Rose Inn at bottom of Rose Hillbank big blackboard with large lettering NUFC V REDDING Tonight

G man you have a voice mail message

a history teacher asks a class full of kids "whats Churchill famous for ?" a kid at the back shouts out . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . " he was the last white man to be called winston

My best mate and me were stood outside our local at 3 in the afternoon. when we see a nun standing in the bus stop across the road. mate looks at me with a smile, and says'watch this'. he walks over to the bus stop, and begins to batter this nun. he really lays into her, kicking her all over the road. im thinking 'what the fuck are you doing', then calmly walks back over to me and says, 'i thought batman wouldve been harder than that'