bobbyshinton

G man you have a voice mail message

a history teacher asks a class full of kids "whats Churchill famous for ?" a kid at the back shouts out . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . " he was the last white man to be called winston

My best mate and me were stood outside our local at 3 in the afternoon. when we see a nun standing in the bus stop across the road. mate looks at me with a smile, and says'watch this'. he walks over to the bus stop, and begins to batter this nun. he really lays into her, kicking her all over the road. im thinking 'what the fuck are you doing', then calmly walks back over to me and says, 'i thought batman wouldve been harder than that'

colour tely, sat nav, multi changer, the works fat mans car.

I'd remember her from her real name, I imagine. Can't remember a Chicken Head though. I dread to think who it might've been.

I have a group of mates going to Whistler in a month, the currrrrrrnts Supposed to be really nice there. I'm not much of a skier - used to go to Tahoe for weekends when I lived over there - but the ex-bird went to Whistler and reckoned it was class. Dirt cheap too with the Canadian peso. It was dirt cheap. I had the opportunity to go there, but you have to really go for a fornight. I am buying a house so couldnt really afford £2k on a holiday so early I have been biking there and wow I would love to goto Tahoe too Shame about the timing for you! All the ski resorts in Tahoe turn into biking places in the summer an'all, I think. Only went once in the summer, but I just sat in the sun. shinton, your mate is a lucky bastard. Loads of Aussies and Brits working there though - canny life, I imagine. self employed solicitor, loads of money.

I have a group of mates going to Whistler in a month, the currrrrrrnts Supposed to be really nice there. I'm not much of a skier - used to go to Tahoe for weekends when I lived over there - but the ex-bird went to Whistler and reckoned it was class. Dirt cheap too with the Canadian peso. Mate flew out to Heavenly USA, going to be a snowboard instructor for 5 months

ri ski business

At the end of a long work week, the members of Toontastic discover that one of them, Renton, was a virgin. Well, they decided this wasn't right, and pooled their money to remedy the situation. They talked him into going out for a night on the toon; got him all cleaned up, and drove to the local brothel. Upon entering, the ring leader Gemmill went to the Madame, explained the situation and gave her £100. She assured him she would fix Renton up right; so they all left Renton there to enjoy himself. Being naive, Renton asks the madame what's going on. She explains to him that he is about to become a man, courtesy of his friends from Toontastic. "All you have to do is choose one of my girls and she will take care of you." Well, Renton looks around at the group of women before him and, after several minutes of pondering, picks a likely looking girl to take upstairs. Once they are in their room, the girl says to Rents," I hear you're a virgin boy. So what's your pleasure? You want missionary, Greek, doggy style, 'round the world, 69 or what?" Renton says," Gosh ma'am, just give me what you think I oughta have." "No Boy, I'm a professional. You need to tell me what you want." Renton decides 69 sounds pretty good, also he has heard the G man talk about them, so they settle into the proper position. After several minutes of missing the target, Renton finally gets it right and is starting to enjoy. Sadly the whore had beans for tea and lets loose a little fart in his face. Renton shakes his head, thinking it's part of the fun, and continues lickin' away. A little while later, she passes wind again. Rents still thinks it's part of the fun and dives back in with a vengeance, lickin' like there's no tomorrow. A few minutes later,she really lets loose with a fart that curls Rentons eyebrows. He pushes her off of his face and says, . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . "Here pet, I don't want you to think I'm not enjoyin' myself or anything but I'm buggered if I can take another 66 of those."

out for wednesday's match. baba and carr in

An 80-year-old couple was having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them. When they arrived at the doctor's, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor tells them they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left. Later that night while watching TV, the old man got up from his chair and his wife asks, "Where are you going? "He replies, "To the kitchen." She asks, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" He replies, "Sure." She then asks him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" He says, "No, I can remember that." She then says, "Well I also would like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down cause I know you'll forget that." He says, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." She replies, "Well I also would like whip cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down." With irritation in his voice, he says, "I don't need to write that down, I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes he returns from the kitchen and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and says, . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . "You forgot my toast."

The grannies were probably born here, tbh...

can't, I've tried switching it off then hitting F8 as it's loading and that doesn't work, there isn't the option to "switch off and restart in safe mode" when I try turning off as normal and Ctrl-Alt-Del doesn't have that option either... only options when I load up are F2 (setup) and F12... something else. hit F8 once per second after switching on no joy Mcafee wouldn't run at all, no virus scanning in Safe Mode for me it isn't recognising my audio device, I'm lucky I've got a Belkin wireless USB thingy, because the windows one suddenly doesn't exist, this is beyond pissing me off... I'm going have to restore factory defaults aren't I ? have you tried restore to last successsful boot up.

A missionary gets sent into the deepest darkest Africa, and goes to live with a tribe there. He spends years with the people, teaching them to read, write, and the good Christian ways of the white man. One thing that he particularly stresses is the evil of sexual sin. "Thou must not commit adultery or fornication!!!" One day, the wife of one of the tribes's noblemen gave birth to a white child. The village is shocked, and the chief is then sent by his people to talk with the missionary. "You have taught us of the evils of sexual sin, yet here a black women gives birth to a white child. You are the only white man that has ever set foot in our village. I know what you've done!" The missionary replies: "Oh, no, my good man - you are mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence, called an albino. LOOK IN YONDER FIELD! You see a field of white sheep, yet amongst them is one black sheep. Nature does this on occasion." The chief pauses a moment, and then says, . . . . . . . . . . . . . . "Tell you what - you don't say anything about the sheep, I won't say anything about the kid."

as above start in safe mode run virus check

She was fine last night You've got nee chance fatso

She was fine last night

never been away. sometimes I'm better when I do not post

Agreed, but I think I'd rather be blown up than be forced to rape members of my family. ugly aunty? sorry I'm reading the book. They had bayonet practice on bairns, beheading competitions FFS

Anyone read it? Murderous Japanese Bastards. Not meant as racial. It's fucking disgusting what they did and it was only 70 years ago.

Gemmill comes home one day and says to his lover, Renton "Please do me a favor. It feels like something's stuck up my arse. Could you check it out for me?" Renton lubes up his finger and shoves it up Gems bum, feeling all around, and says, "I don't feel anything." Gemmill says, "Trust me, there's something up there. Try lubing up your whole hand and checking it out." So Renton lubes his whole hand and sticks it up. He feels around, and then pulls out a Rolex watch. He says, "I found your problem. There was a watch stuck up your arse." . . . . . . . . . . . Gemmill starts singing, "Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you..." Sorry lads I thought by using your names it became funnier, was a conversation starter. Also I will be at the Trent to buy you a drink to apologise (making up is always the best bit)

Subject: The squirrel and the grasshopper! REST OF THE WORLD VERSION: The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building and improving his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he¹s a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed. The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold ____________________THE END____________________ THE BRITISH VERSION: The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he¹s a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed. A social worker finds the shivering grasshopper, calls a press conference and demands to know why the squirrel should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others less fortunate, like the grasshopper, are cold and starving The BBC shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering grasshopper; with cuts to a video of the squirrel in his comfortable warm home with a table laden with food. The British press informs people that they should be ashamed that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so while others have plenty. The Labour Party, Greenpeace, Animal Rights and The Grasshopper Council of GB demonstrate in front of the squirrel¹s house. The BBC, interrupting a cultural festival special from Notting Hill with breaking news, broadcasts a multi cultural choir singing ³We Shall Overcome². Ken Livingstone rants in an interview with Trevor McDonald that the squirrel has gotten rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the squirrel to make him pay his ³fair share² and increases the charge for squirrels to enter inner London. In response to pressure from the media, the Government drafts the Economic Equity and Grasshopper Anti Discrimination Act, retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The squirrel¹s taxes are reassessed. He is taken to court and fined for failing to hire grasshoppers as builders for the work he was doing on his home and an additional fine for contempt when he told the court the grasshopper did not want to work. The grasshopper is provided with a council house, financial aid to furnish it and an account with a local taxi firm to ensure he can be socially mobile. The squirrel¹s food is seized and re distributed to the more needy members of society, in this case the grasshopper. Without enough money to buy more food, to pay the fine and his newly imposed retroactive taxes, the squirrel has to downsize and start building a new home. The local authority takes over his old home and utilises it as a temporary home for asylum seeking cats who had hijacked a plane to get to Britain as they had to share their country of origin with mice. On arrival they tried to blow up the airport because of Britain¹s apparent love of dogs The cats had been arrested for the international offence of hijacking and attempt bombing but were immediately released because the police fed them pilchards instead of salmon whilst in custody. Initial moves to then return them to their own country were abandoned because it was feared they would face death by the mice. The cats devise and start a scam to obtain money from peoples credit cards. A Panorama special shows the grasshopper finishing up the last of the squirrel¹s food, though spring is still months away, while the council house he is in, crumbles around him because he hasn¹t bothered to maintain the house. He is shown to be taking drugs. Inadequate government funding is blamed for the grasshopper¹s drug Œillness¹. The cats seek recompense in the British courts for their treatment since arrival in UK. The grasshopper gets arrested for stabbing an old dog during a burglary to get money for his drugs habit. He is imprisoned but released immediately because he has been in custody for a few weeks. He is placed in the care of the probation service to monitor and supervise him. Within a few weeks he has killed a guinea pig in a botched robbery. A commission of enquiry, that will eventually cost £10,000,000 and state the obvious, is set up. Additional money is put into funding a drug rehabilitation scheme for grasshoppers and legal aid for lawyers representing asylum seekers is increased. The asylum seeking cats are praised by the government for enriching Britain¹s multicultural diversity and dogs are criticised by the government for failing to befriend the cats. The grasshopper dies of a drug overdose. The usual sections of the press blame it on the obvious failure of government to address the root causes of despair arising from social inequity and his traumatic experience of prison. They call for the resignation of a minister. The cats are paid a million pounds each because their rights were infringed when the government failed to inform them there were mice in the United Kingdom. The squirrel, the dogs and the victims of the hijacking, the bombing, the burglaries and robberies have to pay an additional percentage on their credit cards to cover losses, their taxes are increased to pay for law and order and they are told that they will have to work beyond 65 because of a shortfall in government funds

Aye I am aware of that but it still wouldn't surprise me. Two snippets from the Shint I was in the Queens Head (bar ) the night Viv got shot. I was questioned by the filth Told them nowt ( Knew nowt left a good 4 hours earlier) Never knew Viv, his sister had the Winc in Walker. Paddy C's dad led the charge in the 1974 pitch invasion V Notts. F.