bobbyshinton

On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse, when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die!", she wails. Then she yells, "Well,if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable. Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?" For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says. He is gorgeous - tall, well built with long, flowing black hair and jet black eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt,one button at a time. No one moves. The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the stranger approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends his hand to the trembling woman and whispers ....... . . . . . . . . . . . . ..... ..... ..... "Iron this." that's the real one?

woor youngen has just started a foundation degree in Q S. What path did you take (neither are intended as puns )

Following on from the G mans mention of star jumps. What do you find the hardest thing to do physical exercise wise? In the gym we do chin ups on the frames, you cannot get a beer mat under my feet when I'm lifting. also sit ups with 6 twists in them, feel me ribs popping

Do them in the warm up in. Had on just got an idea for a new thread

For me it has to be it has to be Stein, always got easy, good recipes. Oliver cockney spiv Floyd pisshead Ramsay just swears, never cooks. Harriot, buffoon that prick from the cottage, what a arse Worral thompson on the decline

Once was a drayman that was a twat of a job (had some rewards like)

Are you one of those twats that think being a eco warrior makes you into a real warrior, thus hard enough to challenge cars for the right of way. Do you cycle like the Von Trapps, all over the road like a tit. Do you get showered when you get to work or do you just plain ming. Had a bloke like that here he stunk, had to bin him. Do you walk around all day with one wrinkled trouser leg? All in all I think you are arseholes. ps this is for the G man

weey no man. If that was the case I would never Smeeagain. I only did it to get some activity going. Will start again. ps cleaned your Jockies yet

A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?" The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind. He doesn't sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." Distraught, the man is forced to leave. Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again. The monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk." The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a monk." The man sets about his task. After years of searching he returns as a gray-haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the monks. "In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I travelled the earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception." The monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound." The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door." The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond. Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite. The monks say, "This is the last key to the last door." The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind that door! With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound...... > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > But, of course, I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk. you stad

A young man walks onto the stage of Stars in their Eyes, on crutches, with a plaster cast from his feet to his hips. Matthew Kelly Introduces him as Simon. 'It's very brave of you to come out here,' says Matthew. 'Please tell the audience what happened?' 'Well,' replies Simon 'about a year ago, I was driving with my uncle when we had a really bad accident. Unfortunately my uncle was killed outright but I survived. I was trapped in the car for six hours before I was eventually cut free.' 'The doctors had me in surgery for 12 hours but they couldn't save my legs.' 'That's terrible. But I see you have legs now. Are they artificial?' asks Matthew. 'No Matthew, while I was in hospital the doctors informed me that my uncle had in fact died, but that his legs were fine and with all the advances in medical science, they could graft the bottom half of his body onto mine. As you can see the operation was successful. I have been having physiotherapy for six months and hope to be walking fully again by the end of the year. A huge round of applause erupts from the audience. Kelly responds with: 'That's an unbelievable story. So tonight, who are you going to be?' Scroll down... Keep going this is great.... It's worth it honest..... 'Tonight, Matthew, I am going to be Simon and Halfuncle' .............

Use this little bugger

I wondered about the hat

Me 1 2 3 is a non runner

Sorry about the standard pre holiday week had a load on me mind. Three guys enter a disabled swimming contest. The first has no arms. The second no legs and the third has no body, just a head. They all line up, the whistle blows and "splash" they're all in the pool The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly but the guy with no legs is closing fast. The head of course sank straight to the bottom. Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first. He can still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool,so he decides he had better dive down to rescue him. He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface and places the head at the side of the pool, where-upon the head starts coughing and spluttering. Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . "Three years I've spent learning to swim with my fucking ears, then two minutes before the whistle, some twat puts a swimming cap on me!" I'm a heed funny fucker

me I hate conifers. Had to dig 30 of the bastards out hello happy face

Prpblem solved guess who's back

In the showers afterwards trying out a new reacharound technique tbh. A man of your size shouldn't be engaging in physical activity without a doctor present anyway. I'll not rise to the bait. I'm off to a walk in centre now as my arm feels paralysed. You probably fell asleep on it and killed it tbh. Here you go. I have five rockets in my garage, they have been in there for around 4 years. Tonight I will set them off. I will either kill myself (explosion) or people will see Bobby's rockets for miles

I think the article I read a while ago mentioned that as well. Doesn't make sense to me. Bacteria are usually transferred from surface to surface. Mind I prefer paper towels where possible. Normal towels are the worst. Right here we go, purely in the name of science; I have had one shite and not washed me hands I have had two pisses. washed me hands after one. I licked me hands after all three visits and they never tasted any different Yep, but that is because your mouth is full of shit anyway...

A snail walks into a bar and the barman tells him there's a strict policy about having snails in the bar and so picks him up and kicks him across the road. A year later the same snail re-enters the bar and asks the barman . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . "What did you do that for?"

I think the article I read a while ago mentioned that as well. Doesn't make sense to me. Bacteria are usually transferred from surface to surface. Mind I prefer paper towels where possible. Normal towels are the worst. Right here we go, purely in the name of science; I have had one shite and not washed me hands I have had two pisses. washed me hands after one. I licked me hands after all three visits and they never tasted any different

Then we go and drink out of bottles that rats n cats have pised on. (Gman do not do the gay thing)

You need to use your imagination here. Phone ringing ***phone picked up*** following conversation "Hello?" "Hello pet, this is Daddy .... Is your Mummy near the phone?" "No,Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank. " After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!" "Oh Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mummy, right now!" "Uh, Okay, then . here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mummy and Uncle Frank that Daddy's car's just pulled up outside the house." "Okay, Daddy!" A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well,I did what you said, Daddy." "And what happened?" he asks. "Well, Mummy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went flying out the front window and now she's all dead." "Oh my God!!!!! And what about Uncle Frank?" "He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the fish pond, but he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the fish pond and now he's all real dead too." ***long pause*** ***more pause**** Then Daddy says, "fish pond???? . . . . . . . . . . . . Is this 26642545?" if that was too hard to understand her's another A NUFC supporting van driver used to keep himself amused by scaring every Mckem he saw sauntering down the road. He would swerve as if to hit them, and at the last minute, swerve back on to the road. One day, as he was driving, he saw a priest hitch-hiking. He thought he would do a good deed for the day and offer the priest a lift. The driver says, "where are you off to father?" The priest says, "i'm off to give mass at St Michael's Church. Its about two miles down the road." The driver says, "not a problem. jump in." The priest climbs aboard and they set off. Suddenly the driver sees a Mackem walking alongthe pavement, and instinctively swerves as if to hit him. But just in time remembers there's a priest in the van, so swerves back on to the road again, narrowly missing the Mackem. However, although he's sure he didn't hit him, he still hears a thump. Wondering where the noise came from, he glances in his mirrors and, seeing nothing, says to the priest, "i'm worried father. I just missed that Scumberland fan who was walking down the road." The priest says, "no need to worry. I got the fucker with the door." and another A Mackem distraught about Scumberlands poor performance against Ipswich prepares to hang himself. He decides to wear his full Scumberland kit. A neighbour discovers the body, and calls the police. On arrival, the policeman quickly removes the man's Scumberland kit, and dresses the man in stockings and suspenders. Baffled, the neighbour asks why. . . . . . . . . . . . . . The policeman says, " it's to avoid embarrassing the family." and another After a disastrous match Rafael Benitez yells, "Bellamy, you were crap." Robbie Fowler, trying reassure his team-mate, says, "don't listen to him Bellers. He doesn't know what he's talking about. . . . . . . . . . . . . . He just repeats what everyone else says." you're just a joke machine

I refer you to my post of Tuesday June 20th on N-O fucking too true

hey howay man stop using my material and Gemmill et al you all slagged me off when I posted that on N-O