Real first name: Martin.
Nickname: Don't really have one...
Age: 26.
Occupation: Freelance translator.
Location: Hamburg, Germany.
Language(s) spoken? English, German, rusty French, dodgy Swedish.
Avatart - why? Alf Poier, Austrian surrealist and singer, cruelly robbed of victory at Eurovision 2003. Total legend.
Previous avatarts? I know I had some sparkly rainbow versions of Sparks' various avatars for a while. Other than that, it's mostly been Alf, I think.
Tell us when you first joined the boards? Mid-2003 as Meenzer, after an earlier (and mercifully brief) incarnation as the pitifully-named Jorman Geordie.
Board highlights? The original waves of Medina-bashing.
Board lowlights? Medina outstaying his welcome.
What would you be doing if you weren't doing your current job? Probably living as a hermit on the top of a mountain somewhere, sipping whisky and worrying the sheep.
Pets? None, though I claim a part-share of the family cat back in Newcastle.
I play a bit like.... Ali Dia.
Football heroes? Keegan, Beardsley and Sir Les I suppose. Sentimental value.
Football villains? The top-flight gayers who won't come out of the closet.
Best advice given? All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.
Ideal partner? My current one. He'd slap me if I said anything else.
Ideal dinner date? For the conversation? Someone like Stephen Fry or the late, great Douglas Adams I guess, though entertaining authors aren't automatically good at small talk...
Ideal meal? A steady stream of Málaga-style tapas all night.
Can you cook? Yeah, a bit. I can follow recipes and improvise a bit, which is all you need really.
Current wheels? My monthly travel pass.
Biggest influence? Various family friends when I was growing up, I s'pose... no one in particular.
TV programmes? The Eurovision Song Contest.
Burger and chips or fish and chips? Fish and chips, definitely... can't get a decent battered cod over here...
Chinese or indian? What do you order? Indian. Nothing challenging, maybe a lamb biryani.
Favourite tunes? Wanky post-rock seems to be my plat du jour.
Abi Titmuss or Jodi Marsh? Neither!
George Clooney or Bradley Pitt? Brad. Marginally better actor and more pleasing on the eye.
Favourite film? Clerks
If I won a million pounds.... I'd entertain wild dreams of travelling and living the high life, but probably end up just buying a nice house and settling down.
Age first drunk alcohol? First drink? Occasional sips of wine and home-brew as a bairn, but didn't get properly drunk till I was 16. Beer at first, then developed a taste for whisky and ginger, of all things...
Ever suspended/expelled from school? Nope... got into shit for co-writing offensive songs about a lass in our year, but the threat of action soon dissipated when the head confessed he thought they were funny.
Favourite insult? "Bastard" à la Geordie. Straight to the point.
Not a lot of people know that...... I went through a long and disappointingly mundane hetero phase.
Most you've ever spent on an item of clothes? 60 quid or thereabouts for a proper winter jacket last year. Fashion diva or what?
How many pairs of shoes do you own? Three.
I'm obsessed with..... The current boyf.
In 5 years time, I hope to be.... Living with the aforementioned boyf... somewhere... doing something... ah, gawd knows really. That's what keeps life interesting.
