BigWalrus

Our sole tactic should be to win free kicks then blast the ball at Van Persie's head.

Unless we are to be bankrolled by a multi billionaire oil baron, we have no chance of ever competing at the very top. Throwing £20m a centre back is pointless as he'll only be bought by Man City who will offer him even more. The clubs at the top are running off the back of cash injections from their owners. The clubs below are trying to run off the back of the income they generate. We are just about running with the cash we generate. We have one of the lowest season ticket prices in the league and some quality players. Last season some of our goals were up there with the best I've ever seen. The margins are tight in the middle section of the league and a couple of wins can make all the difference. Essentially, we need to accept that we're a mid table club. Some seasons we'll finish near the top of that mid-table area, others we'll not. We're in that group with the likes of Everton, Liverpool, Fulham and Stoke. Fans of other clubs often accuse Newcastle fans of having over the top expectations. Finishing 5th last season was achieved on merit, but it also involved a few things going our way (such as the timing of playing certain teams and a core nucleus of our best players all coming good at the same time). My expectation this season was to finish between 6th and 10th. I still reckon we've got a canny shot at that. There are a few fans who sit around me exactly like LBT and Aeris - constantly negative, whinging and moaning, slagging players off, waiting for mistakes to somehow justify their abuse and then leaving 5 minutes early because the match isn't as important to them as catching the first metro. The season in the Championship was pure bliss for that reason - the miserable feckers didn't bother turning up.

I remember being annoyed that we were signing Craig Bellamy, with his record of 1 in 6.

Shearer conveniently forgot that Spurs also sold players for nigh on £60m. We both had more or less nil net spend, but Spurs sold Modric for silly money.

93% pass completion percentage for Jonas on Saturday. Matched only by James Perch.

Bang on. His first touch is a massive giveaway that he’s not a proper footballer. I remember a moment in the first half on Saturday. I think it was either Jonas or Anita who was in an advanced position. Simpson was in acres of space, roughly in line with the edge of their box, near the touchline. All he needed to do was take the pace off the ball and whip a ball into the box. Instead, his first touch was straight to their full back and they counter-attacked. He’s the master of turning attack into defence.

Zonal marking applies across the midfield as well as the defence, if that's the way you want to play.

Zonal football is incredibly tricky to pull off. Unless you have top quality players in every single position, you'll fail at it. Barcelona can pull it off because their team consists of the best players in the world. Trying to play zonally with our current side is suicide. Danny Simpson, for instance, would struggle to mark a traffic cone, so expecting him to operate zonally with movement may be a stretch too far.

I've consistently achieved decent results with a slab of rump. It's easy to find fairly lean rump steaks too.

24! Looks like she's had a tough (time working her way through all the lads who do the) paper round.

All good points, but he's got a reputation for keeping the balls from going over the line.

Yes I do regard it as an inaccurate observation. We were difficult to beat, we generally were decent at keeping possession and we scored some bloody brilliant goals. I struggle to think of a season when we scored so many first class goals.

That's an incredibly pessimistic view!

I give it it 5-7 years before I pack the game in. I feel less and less association with the players on the pitch with each passing year. When I was younger, losing used to ruin my day. Now I can get over it quite quickly and move on with my life. Maybe my priorities have changed and I have more important things in my life.

I've always found sealing the meat makes bugger all difference. The flour will help thicken the gravy / sauce though.

Sounds class. I did a shoulder of pork over 6 hours in the oven and we just whacked it in the middle of the table and picked at it with a fork. Lovely though.

Our complete lack of organisation the other night left us needing a bit of last minute shopping in. Went to Sainsburys and they'd reduced an absolute shit load of meat. Got a huge chunky 28 day aged ribeye for £1.35 (reduced from nearly £8 originally). It was on it's date, but it went straight in the freezer and was vacuum sealed. Also got a pack of honey marinated smoked mackerel (which is brilliant) for about 80p, reduced from £4. Also on it's date, but whacked in the freezer. Must have spent about a tenner and ended up with about £45 worth of meat / fish. My favourite at the minute is a slow cooked Mediterranean style chicken thing. Pack of chicken thighs, pan fried to brown, whack in a chopped onion and a few chopped cloves of garlic and a bit of seasoning to taste. Once that's done to your liking, stick in a couple of tins of chopped tomatoes, half a glass of red and leave it on a very low heat (or put in the oven) for about 90 minutes. The chicken thighs are juicy and tender and moreish. Plus it's filling enough to the point that you don't really need any rice or pasta with it, so it's reasonably low in carbs. Easy enough to whack in a a chopped pepper, a can of cannellini beans, chorizo or lardons too if you want to spice it up a bit. Plus you can easily make a batch and eat it over a couple of days or take a bit for lunch.

Ah bollocks, just had another crack and you're right. In which case, as it's direct, it counts and it's a goal. Should have read the bloody question.

Proper BOBFOC.

This is not good news. However, on the bright side, once we finally get our core of Coloccini, Tiote, Cabaye and Gutierrez playing together again, we might have the excitement of a relegation battle to look forward to.

7/12 My favourite situation came up - keeper kicks a goal kick into his own net. That results in a corner being awarded. I'd love to see that one tested out!

200% committed to retaining his loyalty bonus when he leaves.

Far from it being a simple solution, but the big issue yesterday was being over-run in midfield. Their five was essentially up against three of us. I don't count Ben Arfa as a proper midfielder as there isn't an awful lot from him in terms of tracking runs, tackling etc. With Ba and Cisse / Shola both playing fairly high up the pitch, there was a huge gap between our front two and the lads behind, meaning long balls were almost inevitable. If Tiote and Cabaye are both in the middle and playing well, we can often get away with such a tactic, but our midfield yesterday simply wasn't up to scratch. Anita has a canny pass on him, but he just isn't the physical presence of Tiote, and against a team like West Ham you need someone who can match them physically. Cisse is an altogether different problem. He looks like a completely different player. Last season (goals aside) his first touch was magnetic, he was taking players on, dropping deep, looking for the ball. Jimmy Savile had a more effective first touch than Cisse has now. I don't envy Pardew though - he has a lot of problems to sort out.

Smooth!

Cabaye has missed Tiote. He looks lost in midfield without his sidekick.