Monkeys Fist

Have you bought him a … Hang on, that’s 5-0!!!! so, buy the poor cunt a pint

4-0 We’re going for double figures before half time here.

Still only 3-0 here.

He missed

We haven’t scored for 3 fucking minutes. HOWE OUT.

3 fucking nil

Joooooooooooooelinton

Fucking pick that out

I think he’s predicted a home win without realising.

Still makes me hoot

I got a call from the police saying the wife had been in a crash and was in hospital. I asked how she was and he said “ I’m afraid she’s critical” I said, “ Aye, tell me about it mate”

IN HERE IN HERE IN HERE

“ Congratulate our agent in Bilbao please, that tweet has registered on the Richter scale in Pennywell” ” Erm, we don’t have an agent in Bilbao” ” Lolz! Laters”

If the ball comes off a passing Red Deer stag in the lead up to a goal, is it still offside, if he’s not involved in the play?

Aye, we’ve all been there. Devastatingly accurate tbf.

What if a massive flood washed a forest in to your back doors, then it took alight? Switch that notification on, you never know when you might need to officially shit the bed.

It isn’t hard to do, Marra.

I wasn’t there. Just wanted to clear that up

I’m picturing a few years down the line, Damian Knobfromage, world famous live-streamer and influencer, walking down the street in his home town of Chalfont Saint Fucking Peter, utter chaos and panic playing out in the background as the population of 63 desperately tries to evacuate from the incoming meteor that the NATIONAL FUCKING ALERT SYSTEM has told them is about to destroy their fucking village, and he’s blithely waffling on and asking “you guys” not to forget to like and hit that subscribe button, utterly unaware of what’s about to turn him in to well-done brisket because he disabled the notifications on it. Sorry @wykikitoon, I seem to have briefly become you. On reflection, maybe it’s not a bad idea having that option, after all

So, this govt alert text thing tomorrow- I know it’s been mentioned somewhere already but I can’t be arsed looking for it. If everyone knows it’s going off at 3pm tomorrow, then fair enough, let it go off for 10-30 seconds or whatever, then just crack on. I’m sure if you’re under the age of 30 or so, you get a ping on your phone every 10 seconds anyway telling you some Kardashian has just had a shite, or Taylor Swift’s minge has auto-sealed itself or whatever. What is the point of a national alert system if you can just disable the fucking thing? What am I missing here?