Monkeys Fist

You been self isolating before it was cool?

Have you seen the cunt that set up a full rig of decks and speakers… at night. Then blasted out shitty fucking Corona found it.…

Miserable git.

If at some point you encounter a bloke in his fifties, fighting off the fit nurses with a stick, be gentle with me.

Aren’t you likely to get called up to the coalface? ( I’m not being snarky, btw, just from what’s going on in Italy, it seems it’s all hands on deck in healthcare).

Mackems must sick of their lives- League 1club, only employer in the village going down, and no gummy-blows off Granny for the foreseeable future. FTM

Homicide- Life on the Straße?

I asked for 2/6 of a tiger loaf at Morrison’s and they told me to fuck off.

They’ve been planning which one gets to eat your balls when you die alone.

He wanks his dogs, so he does.

Early?

What will you do in week 2?

Never mind that shit, how’s the tentacle porn coming along?

It’s almost as if you were baiting him in to a negative response.

Euro 2020 binned. Euro 2020 postponed until next summer, Uefa confirms https://www.bbc.co.uk/sport/football/51909518

Did you see the way they enforced the lockdown over there? Nit even the Tories would try that shit

By the end of this, Renton will be a tin-foil hat wearing, flat earth, steel-beams-can’t-melt loony, massively overweight and with a crippling addiction to extreme tentacle porn. A man has to fill his time

I look forward to my means-tested £15 per fortnight, paid after a three month wait due to the corona virus outbreak.

Does he think the virus can count?

Since I’m now mildly shiting it, I had a look at NHS 111 site. “The NHS will contact you from Monday 23 March 2020 if you are at particularly high risk of getting seriously ill with coronavirus. You'll be given specific advice about what to do.“ So, just the full week of not knowing wtf is going on then.

Like I said earlier, they’re issuing edicts with hugely vague conditions, making it very easy for Joe Public to be screwed over. Colour me surprised.

Interested? Here’s a sneak preview of my honking passage of freaky fun.

If you’d all sign up to my private snapchat, Fist Fist’s Fistula, I’ll be offering the following from next week.… Man Boob Mondays - £20 for 10 minutes of private mammary manipulation. Wank Off Wednesday -£50 a pop, very limited availability, get in quick… I mean really quick. Fat Cunt Friday - £10 free for all, last man standing gets the biscuit. Cheers lads, in these trying times I’m sure we’ll all come together in the spirit of …blah blah.

So, fuck all then.