Scottish Mag

It sounds like Viana will be joing Celta on loan for the year now another crazy move by the club. What with him and possibly JJ going as well as players allegedly being offered in swop deals and injuries to Shearer, Bramble, Parker and Given the squad appears to be getting smaller and smaller. Very worrying..

The toon tipper has started and the first four weeks fixtures are up already. I wasn`t planning to run it, so did not realise that the rules were not up yet. Scores and first scorers please. Cheers.

The toon tipper has started and the first four weeks fixtures are up already. I wasn`t planning to run it, so did not realise that the rules were not up yet. Scores and first scorers please. Cheers.

He had a poor season last season, but the whole of the defence was poor, season before last he was ok. I think he suffered from the change to 4-4-2 as have Celtic as a whole, with the majority of O'Neills success at Parkhead coming under his 3 at the back.

Newcastle have targeted Fulham midfielder Steed Malbranque as a potential replacement should Jermaine Jenas leave the club. Manager Graeme Souness has a wealth of midfield talent, bolstered further by the arrivals of Scott Parker and Emre from Chelsea and Internazionale respectively, but is nervous about losing England international Jenas. Jenas, 22, is believed to be eyeing a move to the capital - either with Tottenham or Arsenal - after Souness revealed the player told him living in Newcastle was like living in a 'goldfish bowl'. Malbranque is seen as an ideal replacement for the former Nottingham Forest youngster, though Manchester City have already seen two bids for the 25-year-old Frenchman turned down. But Newcastle have money to spare - as evidenced by their pursuit of several world class players, including Real Madrid and England star striker Michael Owen - and can offer more than the Eastlands club. Rumours in France suggest Malbranque would prefer a switch to Newcastle over any move to Manchester. Fulham have already spent much of the summer blocking The Magpies' attempts to sign Luis Boa Morte but there could be fresh interest in the Portugal international's team-mate.

From .com

Derek Riordan

Surprised no ones put this yet -

Alan Shearer has insisted Newcastle must strive to return to the top six in The Premiership. The Magpies endured a season of frustration last term, with the club fighting a battle at the wrong end of the table, and manager Graeme Souness is under pressure to turn things around. Shearer is one of just three strikers on The Magpies' books, as Souness has failed to replace departed pair Craig Bellamy and Patrick Kluivert, but the former England international says the aim has to be to break back into the top six. "We have got to get into the top six," Shearer told Radio 5 Live's Sportsweek. "There's no European football, which is disappointing, but if we are honest that could work in our favour. "Last season we did not have the squad to play so many games and get through them. "Playing Thursday, Sunday, Thursday, Sunday was tough. We have to finish higher than we did because last season wasn't good enough for a club of this size. "Everyone knows we will need more additions, six or so went out in the summer and we have only had three arrive which doesn't add up." Michael Owen is one striker on Souness' wish list and Shearer would love to renew his partnership with the Real Madrid man, having played alongside the 25-year-old on the international stage with England. "Michael Owen would be an improvement to any club in this league, and that includes Newcastle," he added. "I would enjoy playing alongside him again. "I have made no secret of the fact that I think he is a top, top player and his record suggests that. "Anyone who wants to score goals should look no further than Michael Owen. Our manager would love him and he would be a great asset but I feel Michael will have a few options. "I had great times with him for England and he can score goals in any league in the world. He has done it in the Premier League and La Liga, but there will be a few after his signature despite one or two denials."

Which is a fake and which is a photo? http://www.alias.com/eng/etc/fakeorfoto/index.html

Which 3 CDs, 3 DVDs and 3 Books would you take with you?

What are you studying?

Graeme Souness has admitted he plans to use new boy Scott Parker in a midfield holding role this season. Parker - a £6.5 million summer signing from Chelsea - forged a reputation as a forward-thinking midfielder in the Robert Lee mould during his days at Charlton. But he ended up covering for anchorman Claude Makelele at Stamford Bridge because Frank Lampard proved irreplaceable in the attacking midfield role. And Souness sees Parker continuing in that more defence-minded vein at St James's Park. "I think that's ultimately how we will use him, depending on what players we get in, or don't get in," said the Newcastle boss. "Based on what players are available to us, we can use him in a 4-4-2 or a 4-3-3." Souness also confirmed he is still seeking a right-sided midfielder, as well as hoping to add width down United's opposite flank by landing Fulham's Luis Boa Morte.

From the People

Sunderland have scrapped plans for a cut-price £500,000 move for Celestine Babayaro. And it paves the way for the out-of-favour Newcastle defender to join Celtic. Souness will listen to offers for the Nigerian full-back, a flop since his £1m switch from Chelsea in January. The arrival of defender Francesco Coco on loan from Inter Milan will speed the departure of Babayaro. Hoops manager Gordon Strachan is ready to offer the 26-year-old a fresh start north of the border after ruling out moves for defensive duo Mark Wilson and Nikos Dabizas. Black Cats boss Mick McCarthy has been weighing up a move for Babayaro after ending his interest in former Newcastle full-back Olivier Bernard. But despite injuries to George McCartney and Danny Collins, McCarthy has shelved plans to hand Babayaro another chance to prove himself, with Julio Arca set to fill in at full-back.

1. Go out for a meal. 2. Grab a take away. 3. Get Drunk. 4. Exercise. 5. Eye up a member of the opposite sex. 6. Take a holiday. 7. Buy a newspaper. 8. Go overdrawn in your bank account. 9. Beep your horn. 10. Swear

Pretty sure that's not true. 7372[/snapback] Aye, the Man City spokesman is just lying 7582[/snapback] Member of football club in lying scandel Aston Villa were the team who bid for him. 7733[/snapback] Well amazingly Man City no longer want him . I know for a fact that they didn't put a single bid in for him, so I assume this was something to do with forcing our hand with Boa Morte. 8039[/snapback] I know you have your contacts gol and i normally trust them, however for something that has not meant to have happened why has Pearce just been on Sky talking about how he is disapointed the bid was leaked out?

Sky seem pretty sure that Uruguayan international Sebastian Viera will be signing this week. I still think both Wenger and Ferguson have doubts over Seamus's height. Bothe for a few years now have been crying out for a new keeper and if any of the two of them had rated him high enough i`m sure he would have went long before now.

Emre on today's game:

Happy Birthday you old wanker Edging ever closer to needing Peles help to continue with your favourite pastime...

Save a fortune on laundry bills. Give your dirty shirts to Oxfam. They will wash and iron them and you can buy them back for fifty pence. J B Cartland, Brighton. Suck the eyes from attacking zombies using a Black & Decker "Dustbuster." The zombies will then wander aimlessly and can be dispatched by the more usual methods at a more leisurely pace. J. T., Thropton. Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your chin into a bowl of iron filings. B Villbens, Birmingham. X-Files fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously "erased." Sam Neffendorf, Weybridge. A hedgehog trained to scuttle up and down the table from guest to guest makes an unusual mobile cheese and pineapple cube nibble dispenser at cocktail parties. L Traintu, Clarkesville. Domestos is an ideal substitute for Blue Curaco, and far less pricey. It gives any cocktail a bit of "oomph." James Francis, East Glamorgan Hospital. Whilst in bed protect yourself from vampires and werewolves by hiding under the covers. Charles Holley, Newcastle. Make cheap but effective baby rattles by gluing a lollipop stick to an empty matchbox, then filling it with ten woodlice. Ms. G. M. Dowd, Wigan. Foil pick pockets by placing a freshly toasted "Pop Tart" in each pocket. Would-be thieves will quickly rupture the fragile pastry and receive nasty finger burns from the steaming hot jam inside. P.Turner, Liverpool L17. Confuse shopkeepers by buying a sheet of wrapping paper and asking them to wrap it. D. Treloar, Wandsworth. A length of plastic drainpipe with a roller skate at each end makes an ideal "car" for snakes. G. Dorson, Skipton. Minor skin grafts can be performed on pigs by covering any cuts and grazes with thin strips of bacon. Phil Wasey, Liverpool. Can’t afford contact lenses? Simply cut out small circles of cling film and press them into your eyes. D. Stokes, Middlesex. Stop bread from drying out by keeping it in a bucket of water. P.J. Ruddock, London. Save money on expensive personalised car number plates by simply changing your name to match your existing plate. Mr KVL 74IY, Lincoln. Cyclists. Next time you're out on your bike take a tin bath and about 4 or 5 gallons of water in plastic containers. In the event of a flat tire this will help you locate any punctures you may have. Andy Hodgeson, Manchester. Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to the object you wish to view. S Goldhanger, Fulchester. Pop a few tea bags in your hot water tank and you can make a hot cuppa anytime by just turning on the tap. Mrs. M Growitt, Birmingham. Avoid jet lag by simply taking an earlier flight, thus arriving fully refreshed and on time. Sgt. R. J. Crowe, 662 Squadron, Germany. Put a stop to car thieves by siphoning off all your petrol whenever you park your car, and carrying it round with you in one or two Plastic buckets. D. Griffiths, Kent. Pass off as Welsh by putting coal dust behind your fingernails and talking gibberish all the time, stopping occasionally to sing loudly, or set fire to someone else's house. Mr P. Lilburn, Rotherham. Record the sound of your wife having an orgasm, and then listen to the tape through headphones next time you make love. That way you can have sex without waking her up. Frank Wilson, Southend. Fellas. Next time you have to wrap up a present, don't, because you're shite at it. Give it to the wife and she'll do it properly with extra girlie bows and fiddly bits while you're down the pub. Daphnie Treloar, Cardiff. Girls. Next time you feel like throwing a ball over-arm, don't, because you cant and it just looks silly. Just throw it girlie under- arm style, and no-one will laugh at you, or get hurt. D Thresher, Wapping. Why pay the earth for expensive jigsaws? Just take a bag of frozen chips from the freezer and try piercing together potatoes. B Reastford, Iranville, Notts. Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and causes them to swim in an amusing manner. Smell gas? Locate the suspected leak by striking an ordinary match in every room in the house until a loud explosion reveals the source of the escaping gas. N. Burke, Manchester. As adverts on the television tell us not to use light switches if we smell gas, I find it useful to always have a candle ready for use in such emergencies. Mrs. D Bibby, Rugby. Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the direction of oncoming traffic. D. Rogers, Hemel Hempstead. When crossing a one-way street always look in BOTH directions in case a large, blue furniture removal lorry is reversing the wrong way up the road. D. Rogers Hemel, Hempstead General Infirmary. Avoid paying tax by going to work in a politically unstable Middle East country inhabited by religious fanatics. Ignore British Government advice to leave when a war looks imminent, then moan a few weeks later when bombs start going off and there aren't any planes home. S Goblin, Middlesex. Always keep a pound of lard in your pocket so that if you get your head stuck in railings you'll be able to grease your ears and slide out. Kate Emblen, Uxbridge. Cyclists. Why not try stopping at red lights like everyone else, instead of riding up onto the pavement to avoid them. Stupid ba***rds. M Burridge, Newcastle. Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard. P Raker, Chatham. Avoid losing contact lenses by drilling a small hole in each one and attaching them with a length of nylon fishing line. This can then be worn around the neck. B Morgan, Criccieth. Don't buy expensive "ribbed" condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on. D Duckham, Didford. Exterior wood stain is a fast, long-lasting and attractive alternative to sun-bed treatments. Mr T. Eebly, Warstead. Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cakes again. P Loft, Gateshead. I regularly drive to the pub, but am never guilty of drink driving. The secret is to consume so much alcohol that by closing time you have completely forgotten ever owning a car. Mike Grey, Essex. Prevent crisps cutting your gums and getting caught between teeth by steeping them in a bowl of water before eating them. T.C. Jackson, York. Werewolf enthusiasts. get that "wolfy" feeling every night by simply gluing a paper plate to your bedroom window. J. Bradley, Beeston, Notts. Mix tea with coffee, and leave in the fridge to cool. Hey presto! Toffee. A. Sharp, Birmingham. Office workers. Avoid distractions from your important paperwork by making "blinkers" out of two Post-It note stickers, one stuck to each temple. Fanny Cyclops, South Norwood. Internet users. Try "accessing" your local newsagents and "download" a few wank mags from the top shelf. They're cheaper than computers, and easier to smuggle into the toilet. Carl Hesketh, Blackburn. A next door neighbours car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal coat hanger in an emergency. Nick Jeggo, Adbaston, Staffs. Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest, imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your intended destination in the first place. Fanny Cyclops, South Norwood. Record the sound of your washing machine onto a tape, then confuse neighbours by playing it back on a battery operated cassette player during a powercut. Howard Urmenyl, Amersham, Leo Sayer country. Next time you go drink driving ask a friend or relative to follow you on a moped carrying a camera. Then, if you crash, they can take the blame. Bastien Phelp, Bath. Deter goldfish from having sex by throwing a small bucket of air over any that you catch in the act. W. T. Conqueror, Hastings. Play "Indiana Jones" with your pet mouse using a length of drainpipe and a cricket ball. I. K. Brunel, Bristol. Always fart into the rings on top of your gas cooker. This will turn back the gas meter, and save you pounds over a period of time. C. Custer, Little Bighorn. Play "Moth Aircraft Carriers" by floating a shoe box in the bath with a torch attached. Leave a window open for ten minutes, then turn off the room lights and watch as the moths attempt to make their dramatic and dangerous landings. Neil Davis, e-mail. Car cigarette lighters make ideal mini "High Chaparral" style branding irons. J.T. Thropton. An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator. Sister S. Berwick, Blackrod. Terrify ants into believing they have been invaded by "War Of The Worlds" style Martians by standing 3 pin plugs on end around their holes. J.T. Thropton. Fool passers by into thinking you keep a bird of prey by walking down the street wearing a leather gauntlet, waving a piece of raw meat in your hand and constantly looking up into the sky. Simone Glover, Tottenham. Give up smoking by sticking one cigarette from each new pack up a fat friend's arse, filter first, then replacing it in the box. The possibility of putting that one in your mouth will put you off smoking any of them. Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the f**king thing in the first place, you fat ba***rds. Make your girlfriend cry when you're having sex by phoning her up and telling her. Bearded men can obtain the appearance of an upper class Arctic explorer by simply applying Tippex to their beards, painting their noses blue, and cutting off a couple of toes. It never fails to impress the girls. If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed. Avoid cutting yourself while clumsily slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away. Housewives. When nipping out to the shops, remember to carry a stiff broom in the boot of your car. Use it to sweep the broken glass to the side of the road every time you have a minor accident. Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding at people as they walk up the aisle. Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall. Make bathtimes as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the bath. Increase blind people's electricity bills by switching all their lights on when their guide dog isn't looking. Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in. Girls. Too old to go on an 18 to 30 holiday? Simply get pissed, lie in a sand pit in your garden, and shag every bloke who looks at you over the fence. Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic steroids by running a bit slower. B. Johnson, Canada. Sweetcorn fans. Save money on loo paper by simply pouring the stuff straight down the pan. Pretend you're a giant panda by giving yourself two black eyes, eating only bamboo shoots and refusing to have sex with the missus. Manchester United fans. Save money on expensive new kits by simply strapping a large fake penis to your forehead. It is now clear to all, as to your allegiance. Manchester United fans. Avoid an asymetrical bulge in your right arm by masturbating furiously with your left arm too. Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by simply pissing in the sink. Weedy fellas. Develop a right forearm like Arnold Schwarzenegger by buying one of those Cindy Crawford workout videos. Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next fag from the butt of your last one. Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute, etc "tastes exactly like the real thing," they won't know any difference. Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours, and ask for a nice steak. Spice up your sex life by trying a bit of "rodeo sex." Take your missus from behind and, holding on tightly to her jugs, call her by the wrong name. See how long you can "stay mounted" for. Blind people - give yourself at least a chance of seeing things by not wearing dark glasses all the time

1, OPENING JARS - nnng, she's struggling. You take it from her hands, open it effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She didn't. Jars are men's work. 2, CALLING SOMEONE 'SON' - Especially policeman but even saying it to kids makes you the man. 3, DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE - Beckham free kicks? Gay. A Stuart Pearce tackle is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously winning the ball and crippling the man. Magic. 4, SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - Blunt, is it? Hand it here love. No, I don't need a sharpener, you think I can't whittle. 5, GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines driving, lifting and - as you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile of other rubbish - noisy destruction. 6, DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your coat on and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. Then nodding towards the door, saying, "Let's go" and striding out while everyone else struggles to catch up with you. God, you're hard. 7, HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to stir paint with. 8, HAVING A SCAR - Ideally it'll be a facial knife wound, but even an iron burn on the wrist is good. "Ooh, did it hurt?". "Nah!". 9, HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When birds have been partying they just whinge. You, on the other hand have physical evidence of your hardness, sprouting from your face. "Big night?" Grr, what does it look like. 10, NODDING AT COPPERS - A moments eye contact is all it takes for you to share the unspoken bond. "We've not seen eye to eye in the past", it says, "but someone's got to keep the little scrotes in line". 11, USING POWER TOOLS - slightly more powerful than you need or can safely handle. Pneumatic drilling while smoking a fag? Superb. 12, KICKING A FOOTBALL AGAINST A GARAGE DOOR - Clang-g-g-g-g-g-! You girl Beckham, I kick so hard I set off car alarms. 13, ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE... and everyone cheers you. It doesn't mean you're popular, it just means your mates are pi55ed. However, the rest of the pub doesn't know that. 14, NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - fat is a feminist issue, apparently. Brilliant. Pass the pork scratchings. 15, CARVING THE ROAST - and saying "are you a leg or breast man" to the blokes and "do you want stuffing" to the women. Congratulations, you are now your dad. 16, WINKING - turns women to putty. Doesn't it? 17, TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - ideally, B&Q would have little changing rooms with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look with any DIY item. Until then, we'll make do with the aisles. 18, TAKING OUT £200 FROM A CASHPOINT - okay, so its for paying the plumber later but with that much cash you feel like a mafia don. The only thing better is peeling notes off the roll later. 19, PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - unlike birds, we get straight to the point. "Alright? Yep. Drink? Red lion? George, it is then. Seven. See ya." 20, PARALLEL PARKING - bosh, straight in. first time. Can Schumacher do that? No, because his cars got no reverse gear which, technically, makes you the worlds best driver. 21, HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - Since the dawn of time, men have toiled in the fields in blistering heat. Why? So, when it's over we can stand there in silence, surveying our work with one hand resting on the beer gut while the other nurses a foaming jug of ale. Aaah. 22, HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU - especially if you didn't make a fuss. "Why was I off, nothing much, just a brain haemorrhage". 23, KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH - "a Phillips? For that? Are you mad, bint?" 24, TAKING A NEWSPAPER INTO THE LOO - a visual code that says that's right, i'm going in there for a huge, long man-sized dump. 25, CALLING YOUR MATE A C**T - and punching him on the shoulder. Just a man's way of saying, "you're a good mate; I missed you while you were in hospital".

1 nil up at half time..

I done it in 51 seconds..