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I was sat on the edge of the bed pulling my boxers off and my wife said, "You spoil them dogs".

Ordered a Chinese takeaway and went to the door to collect it as you do and the fucking Chinese lad started screaming 'Isolate! Isolate!' I said, 'Chill oot Jackie, I only rang up for it 20 mins ago.'

Went out birdwatching with Sinead O’Connor this morning.   Saw seven owls and fifteen jays.

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The other day my little boy asked me where poo comes from. 

"Well son," I said, knowing it was only a matter of time before I would have to deliver one of these awkward facts of life lessons.

“Food passes down the esophagus by peristalsis. It enters the stomach, where digestive enzymes induce a probiotic reaction in the alimentary canal. This contracts the protein before waste enters the colon. Water is absorbed, whereupon it enters the rectum finally to emerge as poo."

He said “wow, so where does Tigger come from?”

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A mackem runs home from school and excitedly tells his father that he beat all the Geordie kids at throwing the javelin in PE. 'That, Son, is because you're a mackem. Never forget it' his dad tells him, the lad's chest swelling with pride. Next week he runs home and excitedly tells his old man he came first in the 100 metres sprint, 'Ah beat al the Geordie Kids' he boasted.  'That, Son, is because you're a mackem. Never forget it' his dad again tells him, the lad's chest swelling with pride once more. Last week of term and once more the Mackem runs home all excited. 'Da, Da! A done PE again today! Ah was in the showers and my willy was bigger than al their willies! Is it because I'm a mackem, Da?' The father looks up from his paper, 'No son. It's because you're 48.'

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As there now appears to be a Premier League Provisional Restart Date, I guess that will put an end to Newcastle's all time record of going 3 months in one season without dropping a point.

 

 

Geddit?

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21 minutes ago, The Fish said:

As there now appears to be a Premier League Provisional Restart Date, I guess that will put an end to Newcastle's all time record of going 3 months in one season without dropping a point.

 

 

Geddit?

Did you miss this

 

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12 hours ago, Monkeys Fist said:

Italian bloke rings the docs for a medical, and is asked to bring a specimen with him. 
 

“ ‘Ow am I gonna do tha? I don’t know any astronauts!” 
 

 

 

I Thangew. 

Razzista!

WarmheartedOptimalHorsefly-size_restrict

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My lass just asked me what I was doing on the computer. I said, "Looking for cheap flights."

She got very excited and said, "I love you," then got on her knees & gave me the best blow job I've ever had...

Which surprised me as she's never been interested in darts before!

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