The Bad Taste Joke Thread....

[Smooth Operator 10]

While I was driving down the A55 today, (going a little faster than I should have been) I passed under a bridge only to see a copper on the other side with a radar gun laying in wait. The copper pulled me over,walked up to the car, and with that classic patronising smirk, asked:"Runway too short?"

To which I replied, "I'm late for work."

To which he asked, "What do you do?"

"I'm a rectum stretcher," I responded.

The copper was surprised and confused. "A what...? A rectum stretcher?? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

"Well," I said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. Work side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch the hole, until it's about 6 feet."

Then the copper asked questioningly and cautiously, "And just what do you do with a six-foot @rsehole?"

To which I politely replied, "You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."

[Lazarus 0]

While I was driving down the A55 today, (going a little faster than I should have been) I passed under a bridge only to see a copper on the other side with a radar gun laying in wait. The copper pulled me over,walked up to the car, and with that classic patronising smirk, asked:"Runway too short?"

To which I replied, "I'm late for work."

To which he asked, "What do you do?"

"I'm a rectum stretcher," I responded.

The copper was surprised and confused. "A what...? A rectum stretcher?? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

"Well," I said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. Work side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch the hole, until it's about 6 feet."

Then the copper asked questioningly and cautiously, "And just what do you do with a six-foot @rsehole?"

To which I politely replied, "You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."

84360[/snapback]

 

 

that bit had me in stitches

 

the rest was crap.

Edited January 25, 2006 by Lazarus

[WubbleUC 0]

AFRICAN CUP OF NATIONS SCORE UPDATE: Egypt 8 Ethiopia Didn't.

 

Reports from Manchester City this evening are that David James has been axed. A statement from Joey Barton and his Family said 'IT'S GOT FUCK ALL TO DO WITH US THIS TIME!'

[Brock Manson 0]

A tramp walks into a bar and walks up to the barman.

 

"Scuse me mate, do you have any cocktail sticks I could have?" He asks.

The barman nods and hands him a cocktail stick, the tramp thnaks him and leaves.

 

A few minutes later, another tramp walks in, and also asks for a cocktail stick. The barman suspiciously hands one over.

 

Again, another tramp walks into the bar.

 

"Hey, you don't have a drinking straw I can borrow?" He asks. The barman gives him a quizzical look and says:

 

"Hang on, two guys like you have come in here and asked for cocktail sticks and you want a straw? What's going on?"

 

The tramp shrugs and says:

 

"Someone's been sick outside and all the solid bits are gone."

 

[Wor Al 0]

AFRICAN CUP OF NATIONS SCORE UPDATE: Egypt 8 Ethiopia Didn't.

 

Reports from Manchester City this evening are that David James has been axed. A statement from Joey Barton and his Family said 'IT'S GOT FUCK ALL TO DO WITH US THIS TIME!'

84596[/snapback]

 

[Guest Toplass-101]

An Australian, an Irishman and a Glaswegian are in a bar.

They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner.

He's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad.

They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: "My God, it's Jesus!"

Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint.

Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a bottle of Becks.

Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another.

After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio.

He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness.

When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: "My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!"

Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager. As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock.

"Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's a miracle."

Jesus then approaches the Glaswegian who knocks over a chair and a table in trying to get away from the Son of God.

"What's wrong my son?" says Jesus.

The Glaswegian shouts, "f***off, I'm on disability benefit!"

[Happy Face 29]

A bloke is in a bar. He's so drunk he throws up all over himself. He tells the bartender, "What am I doing? When I go home my wife's going to kill me..." The bartender puts twenty pound in his shirt pocket and says, "Go home and tell your wife you were in a bar and a guy came up... he was drunk, threw up all over you, but put £20 in your shirt pocket." He goes home, walks in and his wife says, "look at you. You threw up all over yourself!"

He goes, "Honey, a guy got drunk and threw up on me and he put £20 in my shirt pocket." She reaches in and pulls out £40 and says, "What's the other £20 for?" He says, "He shit in my pants, too!"

[luckyluke 1]

The creme de la creme of bad taste jokes:

 

Two men are in a pub.

"I could have sex with any woman in this room if I wanted to" says the first.

"Really?" says his friend. "How come?"

"I'm a rapist".

[Mags 1]

Man walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm while his wife is lying in bed reading.

 

Man says: "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache."

 

Wife replies: "I think you'll find, that is a sheep."

 

....

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Man replies: "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."

[BlueStar 0]

Gary Glitter was asked to wear a skinny tie for his court appearance.

 

Unfortunately, she was attached to his cock.

[Mags 1]

Can't remember if this has been posted here... too bad if it has

 

A guy goes into an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll.

 

Guy behind the counter says, "Male or female?"

 

Customer says, "Female."

 

Counter guy asks, "Black or white?"

 

Customer says, "White."

 

Counter guy asks, "Christian or Muslim?"

 

Customer says, "What the hell does religion have to do with it?"

 

Counter guy says, "The Muslim one blows itself up!"

 

 

Edited March 11, 2006 by Mags

[catmag 336]

Simon Weston is arranging a reunion for any burns victims across the country.

 

For information check out www.friendsreignited.com

 

Sorry

[Radgina 1]

Simon Weston is arranging a reunion for any burns victims across the country.

 

For information check out www.friendsreignited.com

 

Sorry 

107565[/snapback]

 

I was sent that the other day and when I forwarded it on I got loads of abuse

Here's another one i received;

 

A woman set her fanny on fire by mistake, her husband says " Quick, jump on the balcony and the wind will blow it out " so she does but slips and falls,

Paddy and Murphy were stood below and Paddy says to Murphy " look....is that a comet ? " Murphy says " Don't be ferkin stoopid man ...that a twattalite ! "

 

sorry

Edited March 16, 2006 by Radgina

[Radgina 1]

Have you heard about the gay carpenter ???

 

 

 

He always leaves a "saw" behind....

[Radgina 1]

Elton and Furniture spent the whole week of their honeymoon in bed havin sex. On the Sunday Elton says to David " I'm going to the shop, don't you be wanking while I'm away " and off he trots. When he gets back David is lying face down on the bed and there is cum all over the ceiling. Elton says " I told you not to wank while I was away " David says " I didn't I just farted......"

Edited March 16, 2006 by Radgina

[Radgina 1]

A scientist has invented a bra that stops boobs bobbing up and down and nipples sticking out when it's cold.

 

 

His colleagues have kicked his ferkin head in !!!

[Radgina 1]

If a farmer grew a field of dildos what would his biggest problem be ????

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

SQUATTERS......

[Radgina 1]

Recent scientific study has found that women find different male faces attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle.

For example when ovulating she prefers a man with rugged masculine features.

When she is menstruating she prefers a man doused in petrol, set on fire with scissors stuck in his eye and a cricket stump rammed up his arse !!!

 

 

I think that may be about it for now.......

Edited March 16, 2006 by Radgina

[Guest Toplass-101]

Catmag... tut tut *Cant be arsed to look for the tut tut waggy finger smilies

 

 

lol @ twattalite though.

[Mags 1]

What's the most common pick up line in a gay bar?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Can I push in your stool for you?

[luckyluke 1]

A man is in a bar, and has had far to much drink. His vision is so blurred he can barely see the person sitting next to him. He leans over and says to the stranger "Do you want to hear a blonde joke?"

 

"Listen mate," replies a harsh female voice. "I'm the women's world weightlifting champion, and I'm blonde. My two friends here are the female all-in wrestling and female heavyweight boxing champions. They're also both blonde. Now, think again, do you really want to tell this joke?"

 

The drunk assimilates all this information, thinks about it for a second, then shakes his head.

 

"Not if I'm gonna have to explain it three times!"

[Radgina 1]

man goes into Superdrug and asks " have you got any K Y Jelly ? "

"no, sorry " says the assistant , "Have you tried Boots ? "...the man says " I want to slide in not fuckin march in !!! "

Edited March 23, 2006 by Radgina

[Radgina 1]

A bus load of nuns die in a crash and they all go up to the pearly gates. St Peter asks the first nun, " Have you ever had contact with a penis ? ", she replied " I touched one with my finger ". St Peter says " dip it in the Holy water and you shall pass through the gates", he then asks the next nun who replied that she had fondled one and he instructs her to dip it in the water and pass. Suddenly theres an unholy commotion and a nun pushed to the front. St Peter asks " What's wrong, why did you push to the front? "....she replies " If I'm going to gargle that water I want to do it beforesister Anne sticks her arse in it ! "

[Radgina 1]

A woman was in a coma for several months. One day the nurses noticed a slight response whilst washing her vagina. They rushed to her husband and explained , suggesting oral sex may bring her round to which he agreed. A few moments later the nurses were alerted by the alarm from her room. The monitor had flat lined and there was no pulse..." what happened !!" they cried...the husband replies " I'm not sure, I think she may have choked ...."

[Radgina 1]

last one for today..... ( for the women !!!)

 

If you think your bloke is too fat make him walk five miles in the morning and five miles in the evening......by the end of the week he may not have lost weight but at least the fat twat will be 70 miles away !!