bobbyshinton

bet you smiled though

A man had great tickets for the Cup final. As he sits down, another man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him. "No," he says. "The seat is empty." "This is incredible!" said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the cup final, the biggest sporting event in the UK and not use it?" He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first Cup Final we haven't been to together since we got married." "Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbour - to take the seat?" The man shakes his head... . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . "No. They're all at the funeral."

smeed that one before, only it was a rabbit and lettuce

One look at the Smeeagains would counter that argument

Renton the voice of reason. I'll be the fat back four

Smartius arsesus surely

In the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the greatest gunfighter in the world. He practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn't yet first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong. Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man seated at the bar who had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West in his day. The young cowboy took the seat next to the old-timer, bought him a drink, and told him the story of his great ambition. "Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked. The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well, for one thing you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a lil lower down on your leg." "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man. "Sure will," said the old-timer. The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his .44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player. "That's terrific!" said the cowboy, "Got any more tips for me?" "Yep," said the old man, "cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw." "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the younger man. "You bet it will," said the old-timer. The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, then shot a cufflink off the piano player. "Wow!" said the cowboy, "I'm learnin' somethin' here, got any more tips?" The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it." The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun. "No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all." "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man. "No," said the old timer, . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . but when Wyatt Earp gets done playin' the piano, he's going to shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as much."

spend it wisely mate. I got 21 k and blew it once. One of my regrets in life

I wish woodgate would prise Dyer away

Been a couple of imposters on here lately anyway here goes Two priests are in a Vatican bathroom using the urinals. One of them looks at the other's penis and notices there's a nicotine patch on it. He looks up at the priest and says, "I believe you're supposed to put that patch on your arm or shoulder, not on your penis." The Priest replies, . . . . . . . . . . . "It's working just fine... I'm down to two butts a day."

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE Bamber Gascoigne : What was Ghandi's first name? Contestant : Goosey, Goosey? THE WEAKEST LINK Anne Robinson : In traffic, what "J" is where two roads meet? Contestant : Jool carriageway. Anne Robinson : Which Italian city is overlooked by Vesuvius? Contestant : Bombay . Anne Robinson : What insect is commonly found hovering above lakes? Contestant : Crocodiles. Anne Robinson : Wh...? Contestant (interrupting) : Pass! Anne Robinson : In olden times, what were minstrels, travelling entertainers or chocolate salesmen? Contestant : Chocolate salesmen. Anne Robinson : The Bible, the New Testament. The Four Gospels were written by Matthew , Mark , Luke and...? Contestant : (long pause) Joe ? Anne Robinson : Who was a famous Indian leader, whose name begins with G, revered by millions, who was assassinated and received a state funeral? Contestant : Geronimo ! NATIONAL LOTTERY JET SET Eamonn Holmes : What's the name of the playwright commonly known by the initials G.B.S.? Contestant : William Shakespeare . CHRIS SEARLE SHOW, BBC BRISTOL Searle : In which European country is Mount Etna ? Caller : Japan . Searle : I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again. Caller : Er... Mexico ? FAMILY FORTUNES 1 ) Something a blind man might use? - A Sword 2 ) A song with the word Moon in the title? - Blue Suede Moon 3 ) Name the capital of France ? - F 4 ) Name a bird with a long Neck? - Naomi Campbell 5 ) Name an occupation where you might need a torch? - A burglar 6 ) Where is the Taj Mahal? - Opposite the Dental Hospital 7 ) What is Hitler 's first name? - Heil 8 ) A famous Scotsman? - Jock 9 ) Some famous brothers? - Bonnie and Clyde . 10 ) A dangerous race? - The Arabs 11 ) Something that floats in a bath? - Water 12 ) An item of clothing worn by the Three Musketeers? - A horse 13 ) Something you wear on a beach? - A deckchair 14 ) A famous Royal? - Mail 15 ) Something that flies that doesn't have an engine? - A bicycle with wings 16 ) A famous bridge? - The Bridge Over Troubled Waters 17 ) Something a cat does? - Goes to the toilet 18 ) Something you do in the bathroom? - Decorate 19 ) A method of securing your home? - Put the kettle on 20 ) Something associated with pigs? - The Police 21 ) A sign of the Zodiac? - April 22 ) Something people might be allergic to? - Skiing 23 ) Something you do before you go to bed? - Sleep 24 ) Something you put on walls? - A roof 25 ) Something slippery? - A conman 26 ) A kind of ache? - A fillet of fish 27 ) A jacket potato topping? - Jam 28 ) A food that can be brown or white? - A potato 29 ) Something sold by gypsies? - Bananas 30 ) Something red? - My sweater RADIO LINCS PHONE-IN Presenter : Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world? Contestant : Barcelona . Presenter : I was really after the name of a country. Contestant : I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain . STEVE WRIGHT SHOW, RADIO 2 Wright : On which continent would you find the River Danube? Contestant : India . Wright : What is the Italian word for motorway? Contestant : Espresso. Wright : What is the capital of Australia ? And it's not Sydney . Contestant : Sydney . THIS MORNING Judy Finnegan : The American TV show 'The Sopranos' is about opera. True or false? Contestant : True? Judy Finnegan : No, actually, it's about the Mafia. But it is an American TV show,so I'll give you that. BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE Paul Wappat : How long did the Six Day War between Egypt and Israel last? Contestant (after long pause) : Fourteen days. BOB HOPE BIRTHDAY QUIZ, LBC Presenter : Bob Hope was the fifth of how many sons? Contestant : Four BBC GMR, PHIL WOOD SHOW Wood : What "K" could be described as the Islamic Bible? Contestant : Er... Wood : It's got two syllables... Kor... Contestant : Blimey? Wood : Ha ha ha ha no. The past participle of run... Contestant : (Silence) Wood : OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I... Contestant : Walked? DARYL 'S DRIVETIME, VIRGIN RADIO Daryl Denham : In which country would you spend shekels? Contestant : Holland ? Daryl Denham : Try the next letter of the alphabet. Contestant : Iceland ? Ireland ? Daryl Denham (helpfully): It's a bad line. Did you say Israel ? Contestant : No.

A teacher cautiously approaches the subject of sex education with her fourth grade class because she realizes Little Johnny's propensity for sexual innuendo. But Johnny remains attentive throughout the entire lecture. Finally, towards the end of the lesson, the teacher asks for examples of sex education from the class. One little boy raises his hand, "I saw a bird in her nest with some eggs.""Very good, William," cooed the teacher. "My mommy had a baby," said little Esther. "Oh, that's nice," replied the teacher. Finally, little Johnny raises his hand. With much fear and trepidation the teacher calls on him. "I was watchin' TV yesterday, and I saw the Lone Ranger. He was surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of Indians. And they all attacked at one time. And he killed every one of them with his two guns." The teacher was relieved but puzzled, "And what does that have to do with sex education, Johnny?" . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . "It'll teach those Indians not to fuck with the Lone Ranger."

Two Mackems Peeeter and Kylie were speeding down the A123 at well over 90 mph. "Hey," asked Peeeter at the wheel, "Any cops following us?" Kylie turned around and had a long look at the road behind them. "Aye, looks like it" "Are his flashers on?" Kylie turned around again...... . . . . . . . . . . . . . "Aye....no....Aye....no....Aye....no....Aye....." Mackems eh.

Is Madley near telford (black country) if so I think you are onto a winner here There is a little village next to Telford called Madley (Ive stayed in some hotel there called the Madley Court), Telfords about 15 mins away from Wolverhampton and has got nothing there but Inland Revenue buildings and a shopping centre. Imagine Washington on Prozac and you have an inkling of the Telford buzz. stayed in a cracking hotel in Madley, overlooking a private lake. Was working for a food company when they took a ice cream factory over in Telford (Clarkes) drank in Telford, like you say what a fucking hole Thats the hotel, big old manor house type with a dining room the size of the city hall. If you go to Telford you have to drink in the villages on the outskirts unless you fancy the bar in the bowling alley. Thats it. It was like a castle downstairs in dining room.

Is Madley near telford (black country) if so I think you are onto a winner here There is a little village next to Telford called Madley (Ive stayed in some hotel there called the Madley Court), Telfords about 15 mins away from Wolverhampton and has got nothing there but Inland Revenue buildings and a shopping centre. Imagine Washington on Prozac and you have an inkling of the Telford buzz. stayed in a cracking hotel in Madley, overlooking a private lake. Was working for a food company when they took a ice cream factory over in Telford (Clarkes) drank in Telford, like you say what a fucking hole

Is Madley near telford (black country) if so I think you are onto a winner here

For me Blyth or luton from what I remember

and could change one thing what would it be? Me I would have stuck in at school. boring eh

Sell tabs or dodgy DVDs. Anyone on here stupid enough to answer a positive to that. Just wondering do you get a buzz / make a living out of it. Is it worth the worry? Some bloke in front of us at customs had a case full of tabs, caught red handed.

A Russian, an American, and a Mackem were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!" The American said, "We were the first on the moon!" The Mackem said, "So what, we're going to be the first on the sun!" The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian. To which the Mackem replied, . . . . . . . . . . . . . .. . . . . . . "We're not stupid, you know. we're going at night!"

He mightn't get them yet, I've put in an application too and the Valley ain't big enough for the both of us Mrs S dumped. Berb and the Meen man on the piss look out headhunters and ICF how you manage that bob? She does not know yet, but for a sess with the Meen man anything goes That's what I likes to hear You do know Im a 20 stone plus bloke?

What the fucks a matter with you? Not one mention of the wobbly lip, chins, bellies or legs. It was a good write up. I still receive enquiries about you from the length and breadth of the country.

Cheers G man turned a crap joke into a two pager. Have you got the details on the new zip challenge?

He mightn't get them yet, I've put in an application too and the Valley ain't big enough for the both of us Mrs S dumped. Berb and the Meen man on the piss look out headhunters and ICF how you manage that bob? She does not know yet, but for a sess with the Meen man anything goes

He mightn't get them yet, I've put in an application too and the Valley ain't big enough for the both of us Mrs S dumped. Berb and the Meen man on the piss look out headhunters and ICF