bobbyshinton

I thank you

A jet is just coming into Newcastle Airport (cos the Mackems haven't got one) on its final approach. The pilot comes on over the intercom. "This is Capt. Johnson, we're on our final descent into Newcastle. I want to thank you for flying with us today and enjoy your stay in Newcastle." Well the Capt. forgets to switch off the intercom. The whole plane can now hear the conversation from the cockpit. The co-pilot says to the pilot, "Well skipper, wotcha gonna do in Newcastle?" Now all ears in the plane are listening in to this conversation. "Well", says the skipper, "First I'm gonna check into the hotel and go for a mega-huge dump. Then I'm gonna take that new stewardess out for supper, you know, the one with the huge tits. I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and slip the old salami to her all night." Well, everyone in the planes trying to get a look at the new stewardess. She's so embarrassed she runs from the back of the plane to try and get to the cockpit to get the intercom off. Half way down, she trips over an old ladies bag - SPLAT and down she goes. The old lady leans over and says, . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . "No need to run dearie, he's got to go for a shit first."

One day a man dies and goes to hell. He is greeted by the devil, who allows him to choose one of three rooms where he will remain for eternity. In the first room, the man sees a room full of fire. The man decides to pass and look at the second room. The second room has demons whipping and beating the crap out of everyone in the room. The man passes and looks at the third room. In the third room he sees people standing knee deep in shit drinking coffee. The man says to the devil, "I choose the third room." So the man goes in the room, thinking to himself, "This isn't so bad," as he sips on his coffee and standing knee deep in shit. Ten minutes later, the devil comes back in the room and say, . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .. . . . . ."OK, coffee break is over! Everyone back on your heads!"

Anyone seen the Pogues in concert

This morning a suspected Mackem armed robber was shot 68 times in a raid on his Hendon home. When interviewed, Detective Chief Inspector Thomas, who led the investigation was asked "Why 68 bullets on 1 man?" He replied "Yes sorry about that, . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . we ran out of ammo".

Bastards I thought it was Poser of the year

your wish is my command Lad says to his girlfriend can we play a little game tonite, I have three flavored condoms. I will put one on and you tell me which flavor I'm wearing. Girlfriend jumps in bed, head straight under the covers and shouts out cheese and onion He shouts .......... . . . . . . . . . .. . . . . . . . . gimmie a chance

gotcha

Man sitting on a train across from a blonde in a mini skirt, eyeing her up. He soon realises she's going commmando. Are you looking at my fanny she asks? Yes Im sorry says the man. Its ok. she says its very talented, watch this I can make it blow you a kiss and wink at you. He stares in amazement as the fanny first blows him a kiss and then winks at him. Come sit next to me - would you like to stick two fingers in ? Fucking Hell he says - . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . can it whistle as well.

better than to be honest

Promise? no

Tom and Tim were having gay sex. "Ive got AIDS" said Tom. "Oh fuck" said Tim "Only kidding" said Tom . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .. . . . . . . . . . . "I just love the way you tightened your arse when I said it"

Old twat.... old fucking twat Just goes to show. Some I think are shit and people say that was canny, some I think are cracking and I get the hook

last fucking time

Two old drunks were lapping them up at a bar. The first one says, "Ya know, when I was 30 and got a hard-on, I couldn't bend it with both hands. By the time I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard. "By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem. I'm gonna be 60 next week, and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand." "So", says the second drunk, "What's your point?" "Well", says the first, . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . "I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get!"

made me smile

That from .com and That taken from Sky Sports. Now I know to the majority its obvious. Cause and effect. Reaction to reaction etc. But surely, surely people have to start to realise that when we are shit (and fuck have we been of late) we need to get behind the team and not entertain the away support just because its panto season. The second Joey Barton. He still had the cheek to indicate to a section of the ground that they should up their suppport. I hate Allardyce, but I have never and will never boo the team But for fuck sake except for a couple of flashes this season they deserve the negative reaction. fucking sick of the lot.

I agree

A man and woman are sitting next to each other at a bar. After a few drinks, the man turns to the woman and asks why she looks so down. “My husband just left me,” she says. “He thinks I’m too kinky in bed.” “What a coincidence! My wife just left me,” the man replies. “She said I was too kinky for her!” Ten minutes later, back at her place, the woman says, “Let me slip into something more comfortable,” and she goes into the bathroom to change into a leather dominatrix outfit. But when she returns, the man is walking out the door. “Where are you going?” she asks. “Didn’t you want to have kinky sex?” “Well,” he says. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .. . . . . . .. . . . . . . . . . “I just screwed your dog and shit in your purse. I’m done!”

I did is it in there? sorry

I bought a teddy bear for ten quid, just sold it on ebay for twenty, now I got the fucking Sudanese Muslims after me for making a prophet out of a teddy.

Also it proves we apprieciate a bit of effort if nowt else. You have to earn appreciation and respect. Barton still does not look the real thing, bottled a few and seemed slow, but thats me being picky.

Sure I have done this one before but here goes. Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to show them what's happened. A Detective Inspector is sent and is taken Straight to the first body. "Englishman, 60, died of heart failure whilst making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile Inspector", says the Coroner. The DI nods understandingly and is taken to the second dead man. "Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile." "Nothing unusual here", thinks the DI, and asks to be shown the last body. "Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Mackem, 30, struck by lightning. "Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . "Thought he was having his picture taken," replies the coroner.

I want rid of the fat B now. I have never liked him. Never wanted him. Also I expected him to do better than this.