bobbyshinton

Absolute Garbage. the whole fucking club. Bastard Freezing watching shit

It must be fucking old then watch it

That's older than Rob Also I posted that one

That reminds me - have you been to your traditional Pogues gig this year? Never have I received so many texts without a single coherent word therein. missed out this year so you'll be spared the usual abuse. btw did you hear the nonsense with the beeb's decision to bleep 'faggot' out (later rescinded). Apparently Ronan Keating's absolutely disgusting version goes '...old and you're haggered'. As if anyone needed another reason to hate him?! I went

A wig and a turd walk into a bar the wig orders two beers barman goes i aint serving you wig says whats your problem barman says well . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .. . . . . . . . . you're off your head and your mates steaming! Have a good one, even those I do not like Might see you on the 23rd

Works party tomorrow, yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeha. Boxing club do saturday yee hur Match sunday err

Should have blocked your nostrils

My thanks to all those who have sent me emails this past year....... I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat shit in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing. Also, I now have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason. I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown); who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time. I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program. Or from the senior bank clerk in Nigeria who wants me to split $7 million with me for pretending to be a long lost relative of a customer who died intestate. I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish. I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day. Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes. Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca-Cola because it can remove toilet stains. I no longer can buy petrol without taking a man along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I 'm filling up. I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me. I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan. Thanks to you, I can't u se anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my ass. And thanks to your great advice, I can't even pick up the $5.00 I found dropped in the car park because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg. If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00pm this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician. By the way...a South American scientist after a lengthy study has discovered that people with low IQ who have infrequent sexual activity always read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse. Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late!

Thanks I wish you a merry christmas I wish you a merry christmas and a happy new year

Whats Red white orange and comes down the chimmney. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Fanta clause.

It's not just that. Zog is more effective in a forward role. The bull in LB and Zog left wing

Happy Birthdays

Stupidest question I've heard. (and I've asked a few) What else could I have been . Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaalsend.

Disarming means I wasn't carrying the knife. Chair was just a reflex thing. I'm normally very non-violent. where?

No exculpatory statements allowed. I once stole a car and parked it down a subway cool. i used to be a bit of a teenage rogue. saturday nights sleeping rough would end up with us taking acid, stealing milk from outside people's house and kicking in people's fences/gates/for sale signs One of the funniest thing I've done

No exculpatory statements allowed. I once stole a car and parked it down a subway

One day, a pirate ship is cruising the seas off the coast of England when the scout yells, "There's a English ship on the horizon." Immediately, the crew looks to the captain, Myron, who valiantly says, "Bring me my red shirt." Myron dons the shirt and the British ship commences the attack. Myron and his men fight valiantly and crush the british attackers. A few days later, the scout yells, "There are three English ships on the horizon." Immediately, the crew looks to Myron, and again he says (in his most manly voice), "Bring me my red shirt." Again, the English ships begin their attack and the pirates fight off all three of the attacking ships. After the battle is over, one of the mates Steve, sheepishly approaches Myron and asks, "Sir, why do you keep asking for your red shirt?" Myron replies, "I ask for the red shirt so if I am injured in battle, you will not see my blood, and will continue to fight." The crew is in awe with these words. The following week, the scout yells, "There are ten English ships on the horizon." T he crew again looks to Myron, waiting for him to ask for his red shirt.......................Myron is silent for a moment.................... and then says, . . . . . . . . . . . .. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . "Bring me my brown pants."

shieldfield / wallsend

I do not make my own jokes up

Yup but will be closer to 1 for me by the time I get in. Need to work out where I am going to dump my bag though... Oooh Errr

So am I

Trent

A new low. Get in the spirit you miserable bastard Ho ho ho have a good one

It's me Christmas Cracker edition What do you call a man with no shins Tony What do you call a short sighted dinosaur? A do you think he saw us! Where was Moses when the light went off? In the dark... Why do black sheep eat less than white sheep There are not as many of them Why can't you go fishing with a bearded man? Because you need a fishing rod. Q What's brown and sweet and glides around an ice rink? A Bourneville and Dean. Q:What does "DNA" stand for? A:National Dyslexic Association" Q.What's a specimen? A. An Italian Astronaut. Why should husbands make the early morning tea for their wives? Because the Bible says He Brews Why is 6 scared of 7? Because 7 ate 9 Did you know that Santa's not allowed to go down chimneys this year? It was declared unsafe by the Elf and Safety Commission. Q: What did the Spanish fireman call his twin boys? A: Hose A & Hose B What did the digital watch say to the analogue watch? Look! No hands! Why do Giraffes have long necks? Because their feet smell. "What do you call a man with seagulls flying around his face - Cliff." . What do you call a man with brown paper trousers? Russell Q. How do you know that Santa was a ****man? (take your pick of nationalities) A. there are 2 doors and 8 windows in an average house, and he chooses to come down the chimney! The four stages of life for males- You believe in Santa Claus- You don't believe in Santa Claus- You become Santa Claus- You begin to look like Santa Claus. Why did the chicken cross the road softly? Because he was only a baby chicken and he could'nt walk hardly. Who was England's first chiropodist? William the Corncurer Q, How many NuLab MP's does it take to change a light bulb? A, Don't know, but we can report on the inquiy by 2008. Q, How many Conservative MPs' does it take to change a light bulb? A, There arn't enough left to complete the task A male council health & safety officer is invited back for a nightcap at the flat of an extremely sexy, gorgeous, young woman. After preliminary activity, she goes out to slip into something more comfortable and returns wearing a frothy, lacy creation that makes he guest's head swim with passion. "Well darling", she murmurs seductively in his ear, "Do you want to take me in you arms and, sighs, take me". "No thank you. "Why not my little honey bun. Am I not a creature of desire ? "Yes you are. Indeed you are", pant pant, "Then why do you refuse this gift of a lifetime ? "Because there is a one in one hundred thousand chance of having a heart attack. It says so in a leaflet I was handing out today. It may not be fun, but it's safe. Why did the turkey cross the road. Because he wasn't chicken Group of chess contestants in hotel reception bragging about how good they are. Manager asks them to leave as he doesn't want 'chess nuts boasting in an open foyer'... sorry. Q. Why doesn't Santa Claus have any children? A. He only comes once a year and that's down the chimney. Where do sheep get their hair cut? At the baa baa shop. Why do elephants have big ears? because Noddy won't pay the ransom. What's green and goes up and down? a cucumber in a lift. Heard about the Irishman who thought an innuendo was an Italian suppository? An army corporal is standing at a bus stop with a pig on a lead. An old lady says "Where did you get that horrible smelly creature?" The pig replied "Aldershot" Why did the turkey cross the road? Because it was the chicken's day off! Why was Santa's little helper feeling depressed? He had low elf-esteem. What's the most popular Christmas wine? 'I don't like Brussels sprouts!' What does Santa do with fat elves? He sends them to an Elf Farm. Two snowmen in a field, one turned to the other and said. "I don't know about you but I can smell carrots." Man walks into a bar...ouch What do you call a fish with no eyes ..fsh Police arrested two lads, one was eating fireworks the other drinking battery acid, they let one off and charged the other. Man walks into the Docs, with a strawberry growing on his head, Doc says I will give you some cream to put on it. What's grey and has a trunk? A mouse going on holiday What's brown and has a trunk? A mouse coming back from holiday What's grey and can fly straight up? An Elecopter How do monkeys make toast? They put bread under a gorilla. What do you call a man with a pole through his leg? Rodney What do you call a man with a seagull on his shoulder? Cliff Q :What's brown and sticky? A : A stick. Whay are there no aspirins in the jungle? The parrots eat'em all What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot. Why do elephants paint their toenails red? So they can hide up cherry trees What's white, square and heavy and wears a black and yellow checked scarf? Rupert the Fridge. When's a door not a door? When it's a jar. What's the difference between snow men and real men? Snow balls. Whats called Bambi and can't see? no idea. Whats called Bambi and has no legs and can't see? Still no idea. 'I always help my wife at Christmas, I pluck the turkey, truss it and stuff it. Then all she's got to do is kill it.' Why would you invite a mushroom to a Christmas party? He's a fun guy to be with. What did the dog breeder get when she crossed an Irish Setter with a Pointer at Christmastime? A "pointsetter"! What do sheep say to each other at Christmastime? Merry Christmas to ewe! What do sheep say to shepherds at Christmastime? Season's Bleatings! How do sheep say Merry Christmas in Mexico? Fleece Navidad! How do Chihuahua's say Merry Christmas? Fleas Navidog! What's the best thing to put into Christmas dinner? Your teeth! Why should Christmas dinner always be well done? So you can say "Merry Crispness"! Knock Knock. Who's there? Mary. Mary who? Mary Christmas! A definition of Christmas: The time when everyone gets "Santa"-mental. What’s red, white and blue at Christmas time? A sad candy cane! What did one Christmas cracker say to the other Christmas cracker? My POP is bigger than yours! Knock Knock. Who's there? Donut. Donut who? Donut open 'til Christmas! What do you call an elf who steals gift wrap from the rich and gives it to the poor? Ribbon Hood! What comes at the end of Christmas Day? The letter "Y"! What do angry mice send to each other in December? Cross mouse cards! What's the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet? The Christmas alphabet has "no EL"! What did Adam say on the day before Christmas? It's Christmas, Eve! What happens if you eat too many Christmas decorations? You get "Tinsel"-itis! "Do you ever buy any Christmas Seals?" "No, I wouldn't know how to feed them." What is the best key to get at Christmas? A turkey! What's the best thing to give your parents for Christmas? A list of everything you want! Why is it so cold at Christmas? Because it's in Decembrrrr! What kind of Christmas tree comes from Hawaii? "O Tanning Palms"! What do wild animals sing at Christmastime? Jungle bells, jungle bells, jungle all the way! What's the favourite Christmas Carol of new parents? Silent Night! Where do mistletoe go to become famous? "Holly" wood! What did one Christmas light say to the other Christmas light? You light me up! A Christmas thought: STRESSED is just DESSERTS spelled backward. Why do Mummies like Christmas so much? Because of all the wrapping! Did you hear about the two ships that collided at sea? One was carrying red paint and the other was carrying blue paint. All the sailors ended up being marooned. What did the fish say when it swam into a wall? Dam. What athlete is warmest in winter? A long jumper. Why are chocolate buttons rude? Because they are Smarties in the nude. How does Bob Marley like his doughnuts? Wi' Jammin What does Bob Marley say to his friends when he buys doughnuts? Hope you like Jammin too. How do you make a tissue dance? Put a boogie in it. What did the grape say when the elephant stepped on it? Nothing. It just let out a little wine. Why did the man get the sack from the orange juice factory? Because he couldn't concentrate. What did the inflatable teacher at the inflatable school say to the inflatable child caught holding a pin? You let me down, you let your friends down, you let your school down but most of all... you let yourself down. What's ET short for? Because he's only got little legs.

Who you like King of the Geordies?