bobbyshinton

Sorry

A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for help. I think I have doe this one before The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments tells the man that his dog, regrettable, is dead. The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion. The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog's body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail poking and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at the vet and meows. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead too." The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead. The vet brings in a black labrador. The lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too." The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, "£650. "£650 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaimed the man.... "Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you £50 for my initial diagnosis. . . . . . . . .. . .. . . . .. . .. . . . The additional £600 was for the cat scan and lab tests."

No mate 63% tastes like Havana club or Appletons but far stonger. Nice drink. I'm a vodka man myself but if I'm drinking too much I go for the stronger one to slow me down. By the way too much is a bottle a night.

Cuba Libre? Love it but I cannot stand ice in a drink. I keep my spirit in the freezer. Anyone tried that white rum out of Tesco. Overprooof. Its lovely. Toontastic will never die just evolve into something different.

I simply don't believe that we approached KK before HR. I know it is the official line, but I just don't believe it. He was. I know you told me before remember... But logically why offer a massive contract to HR if KK was already being felt up? Or am I talking shit? thats shit

Who the fucks that? A spare from village People?

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employees home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?" Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?" "Yes", whispered Little Johnny. May I talk with him?" the man asked. To the surprise of the boss, Little Johnny whispered, "No." Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?" "Yes", came the answer. "May I talk with her?" Again Little Johnny whispered, "No." Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child. , "Is there any one there besides you?" the boss asked the child. "Yes", whispered Little Johnny, "A policeman." Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?" "No, he's busy", whispered Little Johnny. "Busy doing what?" asked the boss. "Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman", came the whispered answer. Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?" "A hello-copper", answered the whispering Little Johnny. "What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed. In an awed whispering voice Little Johnny answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper!" Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, "Why are they there?" Still whispering, Little Johnny replied along with a muffled giggle, . . . . .. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . "They're looking for me!"

A man is in a bar and speaking to the bartender about marriage. He says "I’ve been married for 3 years now and the sex just isn’t happening anymore". The bartender says "well then, tonight when you get into bedput your hand down by your wife’s ladies parts, feel around then rub your hand all over your face and this will get you both in the mood". so when the man gets home he does what the bartender says and his wife rolls over and shouts . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . "holly crap were you in a fight there’s blood all over your face?"

There was a tour bus in Egypt that stopped in the middle of a town square. The tourists are all shopping at the little stands surrounding the square. One tourist looks at his watch, but it is broken, so he leans over to a local who is squatted down next to his camel. "What time is it, sir?" The local reaches out and softly cups the camel's genitals in his hand, and raises them up and down. "It's about 2:00", he says. The tourist can't believe what he just saw. He runs back to the bus, and sure enough, it is 2:00. He tells a few of the fellow tourists his story, "The man can tell the time by the weight of the camel's genitals!" One of the doubting tourists walks back to the local and asks him the time, the same thing happens! It is 2:05.p.m. He runs back to tell the story. Finally, the bus driver wants to know how it is done. He walks over and asks the local how he knows the time from the camel's genitals. The local says "Sit down here and grab the camel's genitals." "Now, lift them up in the air. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Now, look underneath them to the other side of the courtyard, where that clock is hanging on the wall."

I nearly pissed mesel with this one Paddy & Seamus are flying a plane, as they approached the Dublin airfield, the tower heard: PILOT - Bejeesus will ya look how fookin shart dat runway is? CO-PILOT - Yer nat fookin kiddin, Paddy PILOT - Dis is ganna be one a de trickiest landings I ever did, Shamus. CO-PILOT - Yer nat fookin kiddin, Paddy !! PILOT - Royt, Shamus, when I say 'go' put de engines in reverse !! CO-PILOT - Royt, I'll do dat !! PILOT - An den ya put de flaps down full !! CO-PILOT - Royt, I'll do dat too, Paddy !! PILOT - An den stomp an der brakes as hard as ye can an pray ta de Holy Mudder a Gad !!! CO-PILOT - I'm prayin already, Paddy, but I'll hit de brakes as hard as I can. So, as the wheels touched the ground, Shamus put the engines in reverse, put the flaps down, stomped on the brakes and continued to pray to the Holy Mother with all of his soul. The brakes screeched, the tires squealed, and there was smoke everywhere. But, to the relief of all the passengers, as they untangled themselves from the overhead baggage and, not least of all, Paddy and Shamus, the aircraft came to a stop just a few meters from the end of the runway!!! As Paddy and Shamus sat in the cockpit regaining some composure, Paddy looked out of the window and said to Shamus, "Dat has gat ta be deshartist fookin runway in de world!" Shamus replied, . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . "Yes, Paddy, but da ya see how fookin wide it is?"

I know someone did Who the fuck is Alex

Alex, Alex,

Two Irishmen were out shooting ducks. One took aim and hit a bird which tumbled out of the sky to land at his feet. "Ah, you should have saved the bullet," said the other. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . "The fall would have killed him, anyway."

Cannot think of any reason why Smith should be playing

Fairy Hannies

Fucking Numb Nuts why stir the shit

Good Boozer outside Liverpool Street normally has all the games on. Flying Scotsman?

Bellamy if Shearers not coming

10/10

The complexs are brilliant. I just take a load of books. Read Swim Drink and Relax.