bobbyshinton

A Copper pulled a car over for speeding. When the Copper asked the driver why he was traveling 95mph, the driver answered that he was a juggler on his way to do a show for a birthday party and didn't want to be late. The Copper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him that he wouldn't give him a ticket. The driver told the Copper that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The Copper told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his cop car, and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler stated that he could, so the Copper got three flares, and to make it more spectacular lit them and handed them to the juggler. While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the copper car. A drunk got out, watched the performance briefly, went over to the copper car, opened the rear door and got in. The Copper observed him doing this, and went over to the copper car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing. The drunk replied, "You might as well haul my arse to jail, . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . cause there's NO way I'll pass that test."

Funniest thing you've said on here yet. Typical isn't it? Mind your business you get abused ta fuck. ASK people, rudely, to abuse you and you get nowt. uncharitable iyam Thanks for the compliment lads, this is a nice thread no slagging off. Well done

This is going well.

A Mackem walks into the Scumberland Club shop. He picks out a scarf and brings it to the counter to pay for it. When he gets home, he turns right back around and takes it back to the shop. The lass in the shop asks why he's returning the scarf. "Because," he says, . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . "it's too tight!"

Sam Allardyce Newcastle that bloke at pompey (french gadgie)

Ditto.

Where as we all look like world beaters now

And when Owen is fit does he have to wait for the chance to prove himself?

Family of prostitutes talking, The daughter says I got £50 for a blow job today.. The Mother says it was a £5 in my day The Granmother says in my day we were . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .. glad of the warm drink

terrible I know

This guy joins a riflry cub. And he's very excited because all the buzz is about the big, upcoming hunters convention coming to town. This is big medicine to him because he loves to swap hunting stories. So, the big day finally arrives and he finds the oldest man in the room; this guy is ninety-six years old. And he says, [into charactor] "I remember hunting the African Savana back in '36". "Lion hunting, we was". "Well, we couldn't find any lions, so I sat to rest near a tree and fell asleep". "When I woke, there was a huge lion standing in front of me and he said, ... Rooooaaarrr !" "Well, I just shit my pants". And the other fella says, "I can't blame you; I think that, if I woke to a lion standing in front of me, I'd probably soil myself too!" Then the old man said, "No, no. Not then ... . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . just now when I said Rooooaaarrr !".

Allardyce level. You must be joking. Birmingham have played better football than us this season, and they certainly did in January at St James'. Not saying Bruce is Rinus Michels though. I hate fat Sam, there I said it. We are getting exactly what I thought we would

A wife in Waaaaaaalsend had twins, and gave them up for adoption at birth. One of the twins went to a family in Egypt, and was named "Amal." The other twin went to a family in Spain, and they named him "Juan." Years later, Juan sent a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she told her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responded, "But they are twins. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

A mother is with her 5 year old boy at the zoo when they reach the elephant cage. The 5 year old boy looks with amazement at the large beast and says to his Mom, "What's that long thing hanging down from the elephant?" Mom replies "That's his trunk." The little boy goes, "I know that, the thing to the other side of the trunk." The Mom replies "Oh, that's his tail." The boy goes, "I know that! No, what's that big thing hanging down in between the trunk and tail." Mother, wanting to avoid this subject at all costs, just says "Oh, that's nothing" and whisks him off to the next exhibit. Two weeks later he goes to the same zoo with his dad. They are at the elephant exhibit and he asks his dad "What's that long thing hanging down from the elephant?" The dad replies, "That's his trunk." "No, behind that!" says the kid. "Oh, well that's his tail" replies the father. "NO, in-between the trunk and the tail!" yells the kid. Dad replies, "Son, that's the elephant's penis." The kid, a bit puzzled, tells his dad, "But Mom said it was nothing." Dad replied, . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . "Well, your mom's been spoiled."

STAYING

Really the message was in the title sorry

There was a mouse in my telly, telly needed replacing anyway, so I took it to the skip at the waste refuse place about a mile away, but you have to take them "a good distance" from the house, or they somehow find their way back, someone was on about it on NO ages ago, but I want to know what a good distance is. they reckon the downer is far worse than any upper you have using those stimulants

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer now,' or, 'That's Michael. He's a doctor.' " A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher. She's dead."

Good place to watch the match no fucking smart arses. I'm the only funny bloke on here

A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station, when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet and has the wagon tied to a dog and a cat. The fire fighter walks over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration. "Thanks," says the little girl. Yet as the fire fighter looks a little closer, he notices the girl has tied the wagon to the dog's collar and to the cat's testicles. "Little partner," the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster." The little girl replies, "You're probably right, . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . but then I wouldn't have a siren."

I see Jones a s our one threat based on skill and tachnique. I see Gordon being critical, but Chopra is nailed on, that's the way it normally crumbles

A new young monk arrives at the monastery. He's assigned to help the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. The new monk goes to the Abbot and points out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up. In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies. The Abbot says, "We've been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my Son." So he goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscript is held in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old Abbot. Eventually, the young monk gets worried and goes downstairs to look for him. He sees the Abbot banging his head against the wall, sobbing uncontrollably. "Father, what's wrong?" asks the young monk. With a choking voice, the old Abbot replies . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . "The word is 'celebrate'."

Edinburgh

Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Seamus, were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard. "Come have a look over here," says Paddy, "It's Michael O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87." "That's nothing," says Sean. "Here's one named Patrick O'Toole, it says here that he was 95 when he died." Then Seamus yells out, "Good God, here's a fella that got to be 145!" "What was his name?" asks Paddy. Seamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . "Miles, from Dublin."