BigWalrus

Or just a sexy, waterless bath

I remember the day we played Villa and went down. An 8 hour binge followed. However, at that point, I was coming round to the idea of clearing out a load of players who I absolutely despised. This time around I actually like most of our team, so I'd be gutted if we went down.

Nowt I can do to influence any of the games, so I'll watch like a true self-masochistic NUFC fan.

If I was you, I'd skip the pictures on the projector screen - it ends up being filler. The best speeches I've seen were 10 minutes or under. The pictures on the screen only serve to divert attention away from you, which only ends with people missing jokes or not hearing an important detail as they've been focussed on the pictures too much. It's a speech like no other. I remember doing presentations and speeches at school, university, work etc and you know that at least 25% aren't really paying attention. With a best man speech, you have the entire audience in the palm of your hand. They're paying attention like never before and you need to make the most of it. Don't divert attention away from what you're saying with too many other things going on.

I agree. I rewrote mine the night before.

Yep, Taggart is banning journalists every week. More concerned that 3 or 4 players have deemed it acceptable to run to the press with such a story. Whose side are they on, and which players are they?

I started with... "Fornication. For an occasion like this..." Went down really well. I found it best to avoid the cliched jokes as much as possible. Once you've decided what stories you're going to use, you can easily fit in little jokes now and again. Also, I didn't practice it. I just rattled it off after a quick read through the night before and went for it. I hate the sound of it being too rehearsed. Have a bit just before your last story where you are nice to the groom, before hammering him with the most embarrassing story to close. The one thing (other than the opening) that I nicked from the internet was my closing line: "As (groom's name) said to (bride's name) the first time she saw him naked, thanks for laughing!"

It's a cock out

How do you distinguish between dream and reality?

I like the blue

Retardew

The mackems have had their appeal against Sessegnon's red card refused. He will now miss their entire run in.

Type in "Alan Shearer naked" into google image search...

So shite that he can only succeed against armless players.

I don't think the Sunderland game is up there - we were knackered and leggy, but we've won games playing far worse.

Cabaye clearly hates his face too..

I must say that it looks like someone is tampering with his rectum.

Can't think of any more. If they've got thousands, then that's weird, but ultimately something to be congratulated for.

Sounds like someone trying to plug their own story.

These stories are pointless. They always start with "Telegraph Sport understands..." which is code for, we don't really have any evidence of this, nor will our source allow themselves to be named, so we're just going to fill the page with rumour and subjecture. So there was a row in the dressing room after the 6-0 game? Too bloody right! I'd be more worried if there wasn't a row as there was so much wrong. I hope everyone has cleared the air, expressed their thoughts and set their sights on preparing for the next game.

How do you know that they're just going to the shops? Have you been following them?

Is that a euphemism for slyly attempting anal sex last night?

The ignore feature stops anyone from being too annoying. If they're dicks I can always ignore them and pretend they don't exist.

Fucking sick of these fakes. I'm astounded how many people don't even question it every time it comes up.