Gemmill

Aye, a proper fucking weirdo. Would delight in telling me how they used to have a dog called n-word and how it was fine back then cos that was an actual colour and you could order a sofa in that colour etc. Most of my time at their house was me doing Tim from The Office reaction-shots-to-camera for my own amusement/sanity.

Forest have got Brentford on Thursday night. Brentford have only lost 3 in the last 10 and are no pushovers (drew away at Arsenal this month). Hopefully they can do us a bit of a favour.

I don't have the heart. On the rare occasions that my wife and mother in law get sucked into one of these monologues, the mother in law in particular does these massive audible sighs and will go "deeeear me..... Oh god." under her breath, and he looks so fucking hurt by it when he catches her. My wife will go as far as exchanging looks with her mam but never says anything. My lot is to just fucking accept that I am in a one way conversation and try to drum up a reaction that is as non-dismissive as possible for when it all ends. He had to retire early due to stress and I think in part it's him saying "I used to be somebody you know?", so telling him he's boring the tits off me would be quite brutal. It's an improvement on my previous father-in-law who would try and co-opt me into jokes at the dinner table about how fat the mother in law was, and when his step-granddaughters came round (all bonny lasses in their teens) he'd go "come and sit on your granddad's knee". 🍭 That was meant to be a lol, but the lollipop might be more appropriate.

Up yours, Crocadillos!

Same story. Wife and mother in law know what he's like and don't want to hear his shit so I get isolated with him.

That's what talking to my father-in-law is like. Really long stories about a job he hasn't done for 20 years, and genuinely we'll be 10 minutes into one of these things where he's described in detail the drive to Scotland, the walk from the car to the office, including incidental details about "and if you look right, you can see this other building"... Bit of detail about that building, cos why the fuck wouldn't I want to know about that, and I suddenly have this crisis where I can't remember what we were talking about that made him set off on this fucking odyssey, where this ramble is going to end, and how the fuck I'm supposed to react when it peters out to nothing. It's horrendous. He basically wants to tell me a story about his old job every time I see him, and it doesn't matter whether it's relevant to current conversations, he'll just go "well that's a bit like when I used to work at...." and off we fucking go. They all end with me going "Ah right", and then turning to my wife and the mother in law and trying to get into their conversation. He must think I fucking hate him.

It's a fucking ludicrous measurement system. I mean they measure solid ingredients in cups. How the fuck am I supposed to know in advance of buying mushrooms, what a cup of chopped mushrooms looks like. A half a cup of chopped parsley. Like am I squashing the fucker down? Just give me a weight ffs. No wonder they ended voting Trump in twice.

"Back on form". We're watching a man wet himself in real time.

Londonderry, please.

Eh? This is absolutely ridiculous patter.

The probability of beating a team 4 times in any given season improves dramatically when you've already beaten them 3 times.

One of the worst things about VAR is a referee not making a decision on the pitch because he knows VAR will check it, and then VAR deciding there isn't enough to overturn the referee's "decision". But the referee has explicitly made no decision. So you end up with them both opting for the "no decision" route and now it's somehow no one's fault that a decision got missed. I t's fucking idiotic. If the ref isn't sure, he should be able to say "lads I missed that one, could you please review and let me know."

He'd get Pickford these days.

The new Bridget.

I've just accepted my role as the parent of a serial killer.

We got her a collar with a bell on it when she was relentlessly murdering just mice. There was about a week of no murders, and then they resumed so she obviously worked out a new technique - I assume holding the bell still with her front paws and wading in on her hind legs.

A CLASSIC British funny man at the top of his game, is what it is.

Political correctness put the Golightly Family out of work. Nobody talks about that when they're accusing people of fat shaming.

Here we go.

Remember the Golightly Family on Beadle's About. Parading through fine China shops knocking everything off the shelves cos they were all massive. Same joke every week - watch theese fat cunts knock stuff over or break things in furniture shops by sitting on them. Ahhh the good old days.

Ray Comfort btw. Like a name Bob Mortimer would make up.

Aye so was this lad...

I hope they have a promising start to next season (let's say 7th after 5 games) and then completely fall off it again. Will be gratifying to hear how "United are back!" from all these emotional fanboys masquerading as pundits and journalists, only to have to watch it all go tits up again.

Aye I have ZERO faith in Fulham pulling out results at this stage of the season. Them and Brighton have been playing hot potato with 8th spot for weeks now.

I'm sure they're just working on a piece. We should wait and see.