This is another one of your schemes, isn’t it?
You’ve clearly put as much thought in to this as you have every other scheme you’ve come up with in the past, so let me do the thinking for you- don’t bother
But, like every other past scheme, we know you’ll take any advice with a hefty pinch of salt and totally ignore it, so, to save your poor Mrs from getting another “suspicious activity” alert on the savings account, here’s what you do.…
Your cheapest season ticket is £490, so open your bitchcoin account, find that lump you’ve been “hodling for the bull run”, and cash it all in.
Then, sell the metecting gear- get an add on Craigslist, cash only, and flog it as a “beginner’s set”.
Say it comes with a free lifetime membership of Sunderland Archaeological Diggers ( Boldon And South Tyneside Area Rural Division), and knock up a mug with the above printed on it
( You might want to go initials only to save a few quid on costs)
Meet them in a field, that you’ve previously scattered with some iron filings, hand over the kit, get the cash, and once they’ve got headphones on and get the first BEEP, fucking skedaddle!
So, you’ve bought your ticket.
Firstly, you’re only going to see one of the two derbies- you’ve got no chance of getting a ticket for the SJP game, so you’re stuck with the game at the SoS.
Obviously, you’ll be in the home seats, aka the Toilets, so you’ll need a few tips to blend in with the locals and not be outed as a Maggy Bastid.
DRESS- You’ll need one of their tops, and some Sports Direct bargain tracky bottoms.
Get them now, two sizes too small. and dump them in the garden-don’t wash them before the game.
PATTER- For general patter, look back on your posts in the Brexit and Politics threads from around 2016, memorise them and crack on, you’ll fit right in.
When it comes to past players, unless it’s Bally or Quinny , spit on the ground if anyone mentions any player who has left the club, especially if they’re black.
Also, get some practice in at BEWWING!
You’ll need to do this most of the time you’re in there.
If all else fails, whip out some pocket cheese and offer it around.
Which brings us to…
FOOD- once you hit the concession stand , pre-match, twenty minutes in, at HT, and 50 minutes in, you’re at risk of discovery unless you follow two simple rules;
The only acceptable topping for your bucket of chips is cheeyse.
The only acceptable drink is Blue.
After 50 minutes you can relax as every fucker will have left anyway.
TOILET BREAKS- given your pea-sized bladder, you’ll be pleased to note that you won’t need to leave your seat if you need the bog, in fact, getting up to go to the bog will likely raise suspicions of Magness, so stay put and evacuate in-situ.
Finally, don’t forget to add FTM at the end of everything you say, marra.
Enjoy.
